Is my marriage doomed? (very long post )

[lmolvr]

Hi all,

This will be long, but I will try to explain it all as best and quickly as I can....thanks for reading!

My hubby and I (he's 28, I'm 30) met this past June, married this past October, and I'm already beyond frustrated. We both have been married before, and thought when we met we finally found "THE ONE"

Overall he's a great guy....very sweet, caring, would do anything for me (he takes care of all of the house and works as a courier so I can go to school full time...but I do work almost full time too). He tells me I'm the best thing that has happened to him ...thinks I'm prettier than Halle Berry:confused: , and honestly thinks that if he were to look at another woman in a sexual way (ie looking at her and wondering what she'd be like in bed) that would be just as bad as cheating.

What's the prob? He's so insecure!!! He has no reason to be...he's gorgeous (honestly....many people tell him he should be a model....and on his job (he's a courier for a pharmacy...he delivers meds to nursing homes,etc) he get's complements on his looks. Ok....so during our short engagement he did get a little insecure, and his dad strongly urged us to wait because he felt my hubby had "issues" to fix before getting married again (he divorced this past March, but said he felt ready to move on....I can believe that...when my ex-hubby and I divorced I moved on immediately...my feelings had been long gone). Current hubby will constantly ask me if I think of other guys (especially celebrities)in a sexual way, he asks if I think he (hubby himself) is the best I've had (sexually), If I thinks he's so hot..why don't we have a lot of sex:chuckle (hmmm two jobs right now.....I'M TIRED!!!) he asks if I think celebrities are better than us common folk, when I watch movies or read magazines to I see a guy and start to fantasize about him, etc. I got so tired of these questions being asked over and over that I told him to email them to me and I'd answer them. When he felt insecure he could read my answers (because the answer won't change)...I got a 26 question email...some of the 26 questions had more questions to them:( He has even checked on our computer to see what websites I have visited, so he can see if I have been looking at websites that may have attractive men...example...if I look at celebrity gossip (which he hates) he checks to see if any of the gossip were about attractive male celebrities

He has agreed to get counseling, and maybe I should too...as i am very frustrated. I go from being happy when things are good, to being angry, and wanting out of our marriage when he starts in on his insecurities......which by the way can sometimes last all day. He'll ask a question...i'll answer it ....albeit sometimes sarcastically because i'm frustrated, and he gets mad and pouts because it didn't come out the way he wanted to hear it....and a few hours later he's still moping about my answer.

I love him dearly....he's a wonderful man with the insecurity curse...but I'm going bananas.

I don't know what I need....hugs.....a sympathetic ear, a kick in the orifice.....a ...a beer.....

I think I just needed to vent...and get some advice.....the new semester is coming up, and I don't feel like trying to keep up with school, work, and and insecure hubby.

Any advice anyone?

Thanks so much for listening:kiss

Lisa

[BadBird, BSN, RN]

Sounds like counseling is a good start and if it doesn't work out, don't prolong your marriage, annulment or divorce should be discussed. There are so many things to learn about yourself and then be totally honest and decide if you really want to be married to someone who is so insecure. Good luck.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

It takes two. Usually if there's a problem in a marriage it's not necessarily one-sided. I think you both should get counseling. (I know, like when are you going to fit that in? :) )

Communicating through email is a big problem for starters.

Good luck!

[LuvsOB]

I'd run! Sounds like a control freak to me. Has he ever been abusive in his past relationships? My guess would be yes. I feel for you but I doubt it will ever get any better. People do not change. I would definately hold off having kids. It's easier to get out without them.

[lmolvr]

ok....Now that I've had time to read and reflect...and sleep.....I can say a few more things.

I realize we married quickly.....I guess I used my parents as an "it's ok...it can work"...they knew each other two weeks...got married...and have been together for 35 years now....and are still happy and in love. I have dated a lot...been down the marriage road once before, and I am the type of person who knows what I want...for the most part:roll .

I know he's the best man I've been with....with the exception of his insecurity...it's a real drag. I have allowed myself to get so frustrated by it, that it has tainted our relationship. We both realize it's his problem that he needs to fix, and I can and should (and will) be supportive of his getting help. We don't have kids together or from our previous marriages (thank goodness!), and neither of us want any. Yes....he has admitted he's jealous of celebrities..wishes he could be them.....and I was the one to bring up Halle Berry and her beauty ...prompting him to tell me he thought I was prettier. I was attempting to get him to realize that finding other people to be attractive isn't a bad thing...and you don't neccessarily think sexually about them because you find them attractive. I think the point was lost on him

I have never met someone so insecure...it's a mind-boggler.....hard to deal with.....

I know I will remain with him....I do love him, and he's wonderful to me and a good person. I guess I needed to lean on someone (you guys)....I have been trying to deal with him...but not deal with how I was feeling.

I truly appreciate all the advice and support all of you have been providing....it's nice to know someone cares:sniff:

BTW...he has his first counseling appointment next Monday..........

[LuvsOB]

I still say run. Keep a journal and every week / month ask yourself if things have gotten better. Set a time frame and if things are not better by then LEAVE. Of course he probably searchs your stuff and will find said journal and a fight will ensue. Sigh.

[Browneyedgirl]

his (*&^(^(^& of a mother used him as a cover from a young age for her various flings.

He constantly needs affirmations of love, devotion, hs sexiness...etxc

We have been together 10 years and have 3 children. It has been VERY emotionally draining. YOU have to come to a point where you can tell him I DO NOT CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF. you can tell him he is mr. wonderful until you are blue in the face. it will not do any good until he develops SELF-esteem.

Hubby has always hung up on that word SELF.

If only you showed you loved me more...hugged me more...and on and on....I'd feel better about me.

We are working through Dr. Phils Relationship Rescue book. Maybe you could try it?

IN any case, good luck...and try not to be his emotional crutch.....It is very harmful to the afflicted and the crutch.....

[KeriH1]

Glad you have gotten so many helpful replies. It's nice to get these things off your chest from impartial people. I was going to mention that I hope the therapist/councellor you have chosen is the proper person for your situation and truly has the qualifications to benefit you. Make sure to check them out thoroughly or going to someone from recommendation is good as well. It should be someone you and your husband are both comfortable with and feel they can truly help you either work things out or make you realize if need be maybe your better off splitting up. Again, best of luck. Far too many people are too quick to throw in the towel and regret their hasty decisions down the road. If you truly work on this and things don't work out at least you know you've tried and have a clear conscience to make a fresh start. Take Care, Keri:D

[mstewart]

my hubby and I got married rather quickly too. Our first year of marriage was hell! But, we worked out our differences. It was hard-but we made it. We still hit rough spots, just like everyone else.

I think that if he is willing to get help-that is great. If he wasn't willing to seek counseling-i would say "run like the wind". Give your marriage a chance to work though a BIG issue.

((((HUGS)))) I hope everything works out.

[JKostok]

My god!? My boyfriend of three years acts the same way to the T. I stay with him, even though very frusterated, because at heart he is a wonderful, caring guy. I dont think Ill find anyone more perfect but he does have major flaws with insecurity. I look at it this way, time will tell. I am 24 and he is 37. I cant use the excuse he needs to grow up, now can I? Just dont answer his questions. I sometimes get discouraged and say thats none of your business@ In which its not. :kiss

[megamoo1979]

I'm by no means an expert on marriage concidering I've only been married for 3 1/2 months. But I definitely don't think running away and throwing in the towel is the best answer. It seems like people are too quick to give up on marriage these days. But I think you already know that. Counseling is a wonderful idea. Hopefully, it will help him learn how to feel better about himself without using you as a fishing pond for compliments. I agree that it would also be good for you to go to counseling as well. Try to be patient with your relationship...it isn't going to change over night. I do believe that people can change, but only if they really want to. And from what you've written, it seems like he does.

Good luck to you both...I hope things work out for you.

[Rapheal]

My brother went through this and his marriage ended in divorce. He was depressed and acting obsessive compulsive. Could not stop worrying that his wife thought others were attractive. He needed constant reassuring and his wife could not see he was ill and thought he was just doing it because he was selfish. He got on medication for awhile and was a changed man. But he stopped taking his meds. He is now remarried but still obsessive compulsive without medication. Now he collects sports stuff and is obsessive about that and having a perfectly clean room to store his collection. He also keeps meticulous records of his items. The obsession just changed form for him.

I am not saying that your hubby is OC but sometimes OCD and depression are related. If you think he is depressed than maybe treatment and counseling may help. I recommend that you keep on the course that you are going on right now and try to work on this marriage. I feel for you because I know this is probally exhausting to you emotionally. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the both of you.

[paula77720]

to say that i am married for 2 years is great because me and hubby haven't had a major fight. The secret is that whatever issues we have, we always discuss them even if it hurts each other's ego. We promised each other to work things out as civilized people because marriage is sacred -- its just so easy to say I quit but if you love each other you should seek help first. Lots fo prayers help.