I'm the insensitive husband. My wife is a nurse that works in the float pool. She spends a lot time working in behavioral health and the medical floors.
She has been working 3-4 16 hour shifts per 2 week pay period lately.
She feels that since she is working 16 hour shifts, and a nurse that I should be more appreciative.
I see things different than her. I wish I could 16 hour shifts and have more days off. I will 4 days off to her 8-9 days off per pay period. I work 80 hours per pay period and she works 60-70 hours. I wish I could do that.
She will also explain to me how hard nursing is. In my mind, that is what she enjoys and is good at. Most of her issues with being a nurse is dealing with other nurses. It has nothing to do with the work itself.
I basically came her to see if I could get a better understanding of how she feels. To hear from other nurses that have done the same thing and how their spouses were.
Please don't hold back. I want your real thoughts. If I mad you mad, then tell me.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
I'm still here. Didn't think that this post would go on so long.
To answer some questions.
I'm 40. Wife is 41. 3 kids ages 23, 21, 3. Only the 3 year old is mine.
I do the house work. I take care of the 3 year old whem I'm home. When I'm not home my wife takes care of him.
I have a desk job. I enjoy it and its something that I'm good at.
We do argue about money. She does make about 1.5 times what I make. Her pay is good in the union. When she works 16, 8-12 hours is 1.5x pay and 13-16 hours is double time. This is why she likes to work 16 hour shifts.
Those I think were some of the questions.
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If you're fighting, then you shouldn't be talking to us. We can't help you or fix your problems. As mentioned before, you should seek counseling. Money issues are the #1 problem in all relationships. I make more than my husband & work nights but I don't rub it in his face. Since he works days he takes care of our son & runs the house while I'm sleeping. I would do the same for him if the roles were reversed.
Communication is key in relationships. Maybe there is a reason behind why she feels she needs to tell you all of that stuff. We don't know & can't tell you. If you love your wife & your relationship with her, I would get help.
If you're fighting, then you shouldn't be talking to us. We can't help you or fix your problems. As mentioned before, you should seek counseling. Money issues are the #1 problem in all relationships. I make more than my husband & work nights but I don't rub it in his face. Since he works days he takes care of our son & runs the house while I'm sleeping. I would do the same for him if the roles were reversed.
Communication is key in relationships. Maybe there is a reason behind why she feels she needs to tell you all of that stuff. We don't know & can't tell you. If you love your wife & your relationship with her, I would get help.
I'm really not looking for advice. I do appreciate it though.
Was just trying to see if all nurses feel the same way as my wife.
Money is an issue, but not for me. I don't care if she makes more money than me which bothers her.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
I'm really not looking for advice. I do appreciate it though.
Was just trying to see if all nurses feel the same way as my wife.
Money is an issue, but not for me. I don't care if she makes more money than me which bothers her.
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You came to a public forum, you are going to get what you get. If you don't want to fix the issue with her, that's on you. But from the sounds of things I'm starting to see why she might get a little peeved with you.
Also don't generalize with all nurses. Are all men jack holes? Because all nurses aren't female, by the way.
The solution to this problem is easy. Get off the forum, get a counselor & fix your relationship. Or what's that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results.
You came to a public forum, you are going to get what you get. If you don't want to fix the issue with her, that's on you. But from the sounds of things I'm starting to see why she might get a little peeved with you.
Also don't generalize with all nurses. Are all men jack holes? Because all nurses aren't female, by the way.
The solution to this problem is easy. Get off the forum, get a counselor & fix your relationship. Or what's that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results.
Well said. I will take your advice and get off the forum.
This isn't about her job, this is about your relationship with her. She is working to provide for the family, same as you. After a 16 hour shift, anyone would be tired. Until you've actually done the job and walked in her shoes, you have no idea what kind of life can be sucked out of you. My husband would wonder why I was tired and not chatty- I've been up for 20 hours and want to go to bed. I've been talking for over 16 of those hours and really don't want to 'talk' to anyone now. I'm sure she's not always drained (such as the days she had off). Appreciate what she does and show her that you feel this way. Making her feel bad for going to work because she has to will not turn out well. I'm assuming from your posts that your 3 year old gets to grow up at home instead of daycare. My husband and I did the same and he had a reaction similar to yours...truth is, if I didn't work what I did either our child would be raised by daycare or we wouldn't be able to pay our bills. Sometimes with young children we have to make sacrifices. I hope you two can begin to understand each other
Nursing has a uniquely taxing effect upon one's psyche and emotional well-being. It just isn't like other jobs. It's hard to explain unless you've been there. Kudos for trying to understand your wife's feelings!
I'd like to say that it's fantastic you have gone out of of your way to gather information in a bid to understand your wife's experience. The thing is that you already have the means to understand her unique experience living with you- it's her.
Having done many jobs, I think nursing is a tough gig even if you enjoy and are good at it. But it shouldn't matter what we say, even if we all found our jobs astoundingly easy, the only opinion and experience that matters is hers.
I'm very lucky to have a supportive husband who is understanding of the stresses of my work but he understands these because I tell him and he loves me and he listens. If he came on a forum, or asked a group of nurses in a cafe etc. for their opinions in order to somehow judge or validate what I said? I'd be furious.
I wonder often about the term "nursing is thankless," because I think it can sometimes lead to the types of conflicts that this man and his wife are dealing with right now. Nursing is a paid gig, just like any other, and it pays pretty well, comparatively. So that rules out the "thankless portion" really. It also involves a lot of physical and mental work. That's what you know going into it, and you still became a nurse. It's not fair to say that your job is more thankless or harder than other jobs. Like another commenter said above, comparison is the theft of joy. Also, something nobody else pointed out, a huge proportion of women, regardless of their career's difficulties, come home from work (40 or more hours a week) and do a lion's share of housework. Lots of people work 5 days a week and don't get to quit at 8 hours...AND they don't get paid overtime. Lots of people do physically trying work and come home exhausted. But nursing is the only field at which I hear superlatives such as "it's the most thankless job" and "3 12 hour days is harder than 5 8 hour days." It's simply not the way to be, and if you think it is, then you might not be working in the right field because you probably waste all your energy feeling resentful of people close to you who work in different fields.
You're an art director? I agree that there is a lot of elevating nursing into one of the hardest jobs as well when I don't actually experience it that way myself but consider yourself warned. Whatever amount of money, time and energy you end up putting into becoming a nurse you know what you're getting into, at least the tip of it.
I'm still here. Didn't think that this post would go on so long.
To answer some questions.
I'm 40. Wife is 41. 3 kids ages 23, 21, 3. Only the 3 year old is mine.
I do the house work. I take care of the 3 year old whem I'm home. When I'm not home my wife takes care of him.
I have a desk job. I enjoy it and its something that I'm good at.
We do argue about money. She does make about 1.5 times what I make. Her pay is good in the union. When she works 16, 8-12 hours is 1.5x pay and 13-16 hours is double time. This is why she likes to work 16 hour shifts.
Those I think were some of the questions.
I'm assuming the older kids aren't yours? If they are, well that would require a whole new thread.
To be honest, I see it as she married a man with a 3 yr old after raising her own, makes more money than you only working part time and then takes care of your child on her days off. Isn't it obvious that there would be a conflict if you don't demonstrate sufficient appreciation? Just calling her work part time from where you're sitting would be enough for me to drop you.
I'm working my way through reading these responses but I'm certain that I will be echoing many other responses.
A public forum is not the appropriate place to be looking for marital advice. Communication is key between spouses. Once you start keeping score, everyone has lost.
This type of score keeping is one of the reasons I got divorced. Constant competition (which boils down to a power struggle) is exhausting and helps no one.
I got halfway through the thread and the light bulb went on. If somebody else hasn't already pointed this out, I suspect this is all about the money. Who makes more. Who's the bread winner. Who pays the bills. I wonder how old the OP and his wife are.
I could go on and on, but sometimes it's just about the money.
His username has an "85" in it... using my nursing critical thinking... it is a safe bet that he is 30/31.
OrganizedChaos, LVN
1 Article; 6,883 Posts
If you're fighting, then you shouldn't be talking to us. We can't help you or fix your problems. As mentioned before, you should seek counseling. Money issues are the #1 problem in all relationships. I make more than my husband & work nights but I don't rub it in his face. Since he works days he takes care of our son & runs the house while I'm sleeping. I would do the same for him if the roles were reversed.
Communication is key in relationships. Maybe there is a reason behind why she feels she needs to tell you all of that stuff. We don't know & can't tell you. If you love your wife & your relationship with her, I would get help.