In desperate need of advice

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I am writing this with a pit in my stomach in need of some serious insight from anyone willing to hear me out and give some sound advice. My journey into the world of nursing started when I attended an info session that my community college was holding for their ADN program. Prior to the meeting, I was dead set on pursuing a career as a nutritionist as I have struggled with body image issues my entire life and was actually hospitalized and diagnosed with anorexia when I was only in 5th grade. But following the info session for the ADN program, I decided to pursue nursing instead.. My then and current girlfriend was completing her undergrad at the time (Public Health) and always talked about how she didn't really see herself pursuing public health and how if she could do college all over, she would pursue nursing and would be doing so following her senior year in college. So maybe her desire to pursue nursing along with my desire to help others was the catalyst for my decision, but I really can't pin point an ah-ha” moment. I had no healthcare experience, no volunteering at a hospital, no family in healthcare and really went into my decision very blindly. Regardless, the following semester, I enrolled in an intro bio class and chemistry course and never looked back. During my second to last semester of prereqs, I was fortunate enough to land an internship at a hospital that provided me direct patient care in assisting the PCAs and RNs with bathing, changing, ambulating patients, etc. While in the hospital environment, I truly enjoyed helping people and seeing the gratitude on their faces and it provided me a sense of pride that I had not felt prior. I gained an insight as to what nurses do in an acute setting and while the idea of taking care of numerous sick patients was terrifying, I thought that these fears would subside and that I would become super confident in caring for people.

As I volunteered throughout the next year and subsequently finished my preqs and applied to my college's ADN program, I began to take note that I was extremely uncomfortable in the hospital environment. I could do certain things while volunteering and not get anxiety, but for the most part, I had such anxiety when it came to helping patients—anxiety that stemmed from me thinking that I was going to hurt them in some way or fashion. I saw all that nurses do and the immense amount of responsibility on their shoulders and constantly thought I don't know if I will EVER be comfortable doing these things on my own.” I eventually landed a job at the same hospital I volunteered at as a sitter and continued to observe what nursing entailed and some days I would get excited thinking I can totally do this and other days I would leave work wondering If I had made the right decision in switching majors. I got into my school's nursing program and while I was somewhat excited, I was also hit with the realization of holy smokes, this is real now.” The days of me putting my fears anxiety aside and focusing on doing well in classes were now over and I had to be ready to start a 2 year commitment for a career I was not 100% certain I wanted to pursue. I got immense anxiety and made a rash decision to withdraw from the program only 2 days before I was set to start. That was January of 2015 and since then, I have been in a downward spiral trying to figure out my next move. My decision to withdraw was based on the fact that I was unhappy with my health seeing that I had gained about 80lbs over the course of 2.5 years, developed hypertension and put on BP medication at only 24 years old. I was a mess. I didn't feel ready to take on nursing school and those feelings lead to me quitting before I even started. I was pretty depressed about my decision but I was able to explain to my DON my situation and state that I would like to petition for re-entry for Fall 2015. I submitted my petition paperwork about a month later and decided to pick up a second job to fill in my free time and this 2nd job was as a caregiver at an assisted living home. I worked at that job for all of 3 months before giving my 2 week notice. It was my first time directly caring for someone by myself and it terrified me. Although I was only helping with ADLs, I was constantly paranoid and wondering if I was keeping the residents clean enough or if I was going to hurt them in any way. I felt like a total freaking psycho with the amount of anxiety the job created. I would literally have mini panic attacks and feel so depressed the days before going into work. Fast forward a few months and I find out I'm accepted into my ADN program for Fall. However, knowing how embarrassed I was for quitting and wondering what my peers would think of me and still not being in the best place mentally/physically, I declined that acceptance as soon as I got it. Again went into panic mode about what I was going to do. Finally decided I would retake my TEAS to get a higher score and apply to a very reputable BSN program where I could essentially start over with no one knowing my past struggles and have the next 7 months before starting to get my physical and mental health situated. However, I put my mental and physical health aside but found peace in knowing I was again pursuing an end goal of getting into the BSN program.

As of a month ago, I was accepted into the BSN program and while excited, I was still apprehensive knowing that I have these immense fears of caring for someone as an RN. I recently completed an internal transfer at my hospital to a tele tech, but quit that position as well as a result of immense anxiety and fear on not catching a critical rhythm in time or not be competent in my duties. I know some of you may be rolling your eyes at my track record of quitting, but I struggle immensely with change and have dealt with anxiety my entire life. If you had made it this far into my post, my question to all of you is what my next step should be? I do not feel I am mentally stable enough right now to take on nursing school and feel it would be in my best interest to seek out a psychiatrist and really deal with my issues. I truly believe that my desire to be a nurse is no longer present and I should seek other career options where fears of uncertainty and anxiety won't result in my bringing harm to my patients. I have a sincere interest in health promotion and health education but I am not sure what avenues I can pursue in school that will provide me a position in such a field. I have thought about social work, going back to pursuing nutrition and maybe even public health. I see myself working with low income individuals who have no idea on how to get and stay healthy and providing them with information on programs, etc. I am really at a loss right now and just need some insight from anyone willing to listen.

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Specializes in Critical Care (ICU/CVICU).

If I were you, i would make my issues with anxiety my *TOP* priority. Please make an appt with your school mental health services ASAP, if you can, because it it clearly affecting your life. After you get that under control, then you can consider deciding on a career option. I would hate for you to miss out on your calling because of anxiety. Good luck!

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Could you summarize into one paragraph or less ? thank you

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Specializes in Pediatrics, NICU.

I know some of you may be rolling your eyes at my track record of quitting, but I struggle immensely with change and have dealt with anxiety my entire life. If you had made it this far into my post, my question to all of you is what my next step should be? I do not feel I am mentally stable enough right now to take on nursing school and feel it would be in my best interest to seek out a psychiatrist and really deal with my issues. I truly believe that my desire to be a nurse is no longer present and I should seek other career options where fears of uncertainty and anxiety won't result in my bringing harm to my patients. I have a sincere interest in health promotion and health education but I am not sure what avenues I can pursue in school that will provide me a position in such a field. I have thought about social work, going back to pursuing nutrition and maybe even public health. I see myself working with low income individuals who have no idea on how to get and stay healthy and providing them with information on programs, etc. I am really at a loss right now and just need some insight from anyone willing to listen.

Your next step is to address your mental health needs! Until you get help for your paralyzing anxiety, there will never be a nursing program or job that you will want to stay for. Your anxiety is also clouding your judgement for what you do or don't want to do. Is it possible for you to start your BSN while going to counseling?

If your heart truly isn't in nursing anymore, it is ok to find another field to work in, but you need to make that decision carefully and after much thought. Again, I would recommend making that decision with guidance from a counselor/psychologist. Good luck to you. I hope you get the help you need to manage your anxiety and get a fulfilling career, whether it be nursing or something else. :)

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I just wanna say that you are not alone when you say you feel like you are going to hurt the patient, make the wrong move, or not catch something you should've. I too have anxiety about those things. I am about to graduate with my BSN in April and every once in a while I honestly think "what am I getting myself into?", or "what if?" this or that. It is not all bad that you worry about those things, being cautious about what you are doing as a nurse is what would make you a great nurse! There are so many nurses out there (unfortunately) who are not cautious, and may only do the bare minimum during their shift. But you, you obviously would not do the bare minimum.

If you feel like nursing is not the right career because of how anxious you get, then that's fine! But also do NOT let it make you feel like you can't do it, because again, you could be the nurse that pays closer attention and gives better care. And also, you may not be a Christian, but if you are, the Holy Spirit will help you through your shifts and help you on whether something is not right. Praying to God that the Holy Spirit will guide you and lead you as a nurse can make a huge difference.

So to wrap that up, you should definitely take care of yourself and your anxiety FIRST and then if you feel ready, I think a person who cares like you would make a great nurse

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Mother-Baby and SCN.

I agree, you need to address the anxiety first. I would suggest 1) Getting an appointment with a psychiatrist. 2) Setting up regular counselling sessions 3) Consider medication if the psychiatrist and you together decide this is the way to go and 4) Do a mindfulness program. This doesn't necessarily address the concerns directly but helps with the underlying overall anxiety and in turn helps change the way you think about things, so in time will help with the anxieties you are having. I did an 8 week program, book and cd set, (actually just completed it this week) and although it requires a fair amount of dedication to do something daily for 8 weeks, I have found it helpful. And it insidiously is changing you without fully realizing that it is :) The one I used was called The Mindful Way Workbook by John Teasdale, et al. I also use an app called gratitude365, and it is basically a daily gratitude journal, writing things you are grateful for each day and you can put a picture. I find this a positive encouragement to do. Especially when it's a hard day, it's meaningful to still find and write out things you were grateful for that day!

Also, top on the priority list is to see your family doctor and get some blood work to rule out any other conditions that may be contributing to the feelings of anxiety such as thyroid etc.

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Specializes in UR/PA, Hematology/Oncology, Med Surg, Psych.

I personally have dealt with and continue to deal with anxiety problems. No matter how much psychotherapy, coping techniques, or medications I have tried or take, I will always be more susceptible to anxiety than those that don't have my biological/psychological makeup. It's part of who I am and maintaining a balance of stress in my life is key. I think you have given nursing/healthcare a strong try and should be very proud of your determination because you've worked so hard, but I think you are driving yourself crazy over this right now.

Take some time to explore your feelings with a trusted psychologist. Nursing is a high stress career for many people that suffer from anxiety because the responsibilities are great, but that doesn't mean that they can't thrive in nursing. But you are not ready at this point to make that decision. Anxiety/depression is clouding your judgement. Take a breath and seek professional assistance. And don't worry about "how it looks" to others. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You need to do what is right for you.

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I personally have dealt with and continue to deal with anxiety problems. No matter how much psychotherapy, coping techniques, or medications I have tried or take, I will always be more susceptible to anxiety than those that don't have my biological/psychological makeup. It's part of who I am and maintaining a balance of stress in my life is key. I think you have given nursing/healthcare a strong try and should be very proud of your determination because you've worked so hard, but I think you are driving yourself crazy over this right now.

Take some time to explore your feelings with a trusted psychologist. Nursing is a high stress career for many people that suffer from anxiety because the responsibilities are great, but that doesn't mean that they can't thrive in nursing. But you are not ready at this point to make that decision. Anxiety/depression is clouding your judgement. Take a breath and seek professional assistance. And don't worry about "how it looks" to others. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You need to do what is right for you.

I can not like this post enough.

I am not giving you medical advice (against AN TOS) however, historically for a person that has dealt with anorexia, this is a control issue. Which for some can lead to anxiety when one has the illusion of no control. Which can and does happen in nursing.

What else can you do in nursing? Informatics. Case management. All things that help people, but in essence is a control that doesn't always happen in bedside nursing. You also can work on with your Psychiatrist how to take that adrenaline and make it work to your advantage. Takes time, but can be done.

Best on your journey.

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"I have these immense fears of caring for someone as an RN".

Don't fight that fight. Find another career. Discuss other options with your academic counselor.

Nursing sucks the life out of mentally healthy people. Take care or yourself, before you try to take care of other people.

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"I have these immense fears of caring for someone as an RN".

Don't fight that fight. Find another career. Discuss other options with your academic counselor.

Nursing sucks the life out of mentally healthy people. Take care or yourself, before you try to take care of other people.

More and more posts like this. I don't get why people are going in to nursing if they have no desire to be a nurse, fear and/or anxiety of taking care of others, even touching others.

I'm not necessarily talking about OP, just following my runaway train of thought.

There are other jobs out there, peeps!

Some people shouldn't be nurses, just like I should never be an accountant!

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More and more posts like this. I don't get why people are going in to nursing if they have no desire to be a nurse, fear and/or anxiety of taking care of others, even touching others.

I'm not necessarily talking about OP, just following my runaway train of thought.

There are other jobs out there, peeps!

Some people shouldn't be nurses, just like I should never be an accountant!

Yes. There seem to be a lot of posts here from people who are considering or recently went into nursing focusing on perceived employment advantages without any or enough focus on what the industry will require. It's all about hopeful economic sense and not enough about wanting/able to work while being pulled in every direction under intense pressure. Or the commitment to stick with it long enough to master it. What high pressure career allows anyone to master it in 2 years. In 2 years you're just starting to breathe and then you move forward achieving more growth and efficiency.

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I personally have dealt with and continue to deal with anxiety problems. No matter how much psychotherapy, coping techniques, or medications I have tried or take, I will always be more susceptible to anxiety than those that don't have my biological/psychological makeup. It's part of who I am and maintaining a balance of stress in my life is key. I think you have given nursing/healthcare a strong try and should be very proud of your determination because you've worked so hard, but I think you are driving yourself crazy over this right now.

Take some time to explore your feelings with a trusted psychologist. Nursing is a high stress career for many people that suffer from anxiety because the responsibilities are great, but that doesn't mean that they can't thrive in nursing. But you are not ready at this point to make that decision. Anxiety/depression is clouding your judgement. Take a breath and seek professional assistance. And don't worry about "how it looks" to others. Who cares what anyone else thinks. You need to do what is right for you.

thank you so much for your post. I have been looking through healthgrades today looking for psychiatrists in my area that take my insurance, so hopefully I'll get an appointment some time next week. And your comment on how I have given nursing a strong try is what is killing me emotionally. I just think back to the countless hours studying and volunteering and how much of a waste it will be if I don't pursue a career in this field. Bedside nursing is not something I see myself being comfortable with, even after 5 semesters of school. The idea of public health nursing interests me so much because of the fact that there is opportunity for me to pursue my interests of health education and health promotion but I know these jobs are few and far between for new grads and I honestly don't know if I'd be comfortable working bedside for 1-2 years gaining experience. It may only be 3x/week, but being stressed to the point of tears for 3x/week for 1-2 years sounds miserable. With the amount of experience you have in healthcare, do you know of any avenues I could pursue where I could kind of take a "behind the scenes" role? I love the field of health science and I don't want to pursue a career in a random field outside of healthcare just because nursing may not be for me. I don't want to make millions, I want to find a job where I can support myself and family one day and one where I can have tangible skills. Again, thank you so much for taking time out to help me. It really means a lot.

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