I am writing this with a pit in my stomach in need of some serious insight from anyone willing to hear me out and give some sound advice. My journey into the world of nursing started when I attended an info session that my community college was holding for their ADN program. Prior to the meeting, I was dead set on pursuing a career as a nutritionist as I have struggled with body image issues my entire life and was actually hospitalized and diagnosed with anorexia when I was only in 5th grade. But following the info session for the ADN program, I decided to pursue nursing instead.. My then and current girlfriend was completing her undergrad at the time (Public Health) and always talked about how she didn't really see herself pursuing public health and how if she could do college all over, she would pursue nursing and would be doing so following her senior year in college. So maybe her desire to pursue nursing along with my desire to help others was the catalyst for my decision, but I really can't pin point an ah-ha†moment. I had no healthcare experience, no volunteering at a hospital, no family in healthcare and really went into my decision very blindly. Regardless, the following semester, I enrolled in an intro bio class and chemistry course and never looked back. During my second to last semester of prereqs, I was fortunate enough to land an internship at a hospital that provided me direct patient care in assisting the PCAs and RNs with bathing, changing, ambulating patients, etc. While in the hospital environment, I truly enjoyed helping people and seeing the gratitude on their faces and it provided me a sense of pride that I had not felt prior. I gained an insight as to what nurses do in an acute setting and while the idea of taking care of numerous sick patients was terrifying, I thought that these fears would subside and that I would become super confident in caring for people.
As I volunteered throughout the next year and subsequently finished my preqs and applied to my college's ADN program, I began to take note that I was extremely uncomfortable in the hospital environment. I could do certain things while volunteering and not get anxiety, but for the most part, I had such anxiety when it came to helping patients—anxiety that stemmed from me thinking that I was going to hurt them in some way or fashion. I saw all that nurses do and the immense amount of responsibility on their shoulders and constantly thought I don't know if I will EVER be comfortable doing these things on my own.†I eventually landed a job at the same hospital I volunteered at as a sitter and continued to observe what nursing entailed and some days I would get excited thinking I can totally do this and other days I would leave work wondering If I had made the right decision in switching majors. I got into my school's nursing program and while I was somewhat excited, I was also hit with the realization of holy smokes, this is real now.†The days of me putting my fears anxiety aside and focusing on doing well in classes were now over and I had to be ready to start a 2 year commitment for a career I was not 100% certain I wanted to pursue. I got immense anxiety and made a rash decision to withdraw from the program only 2 days before I was set to start. That was January of 2015 and since then, I have been in a downward spiral trying to figure out my next move. My decision to withdraw was based on the fact that I was unhappy with my health seeing that I had gained about 80lbs over the course of 2.5 years, developed hypertension and put on BP medication at only 24 years old. I was a mess. I didn't feel ready to take on nursing school and those feelings lead to me quitting before I even started. I was pretty depressed about my decision but I was able to explain to my DON my situation and state that I would like to petition for re-entry for Fall 2015. I submitted my petition paperwork about a month later and decided to pick up a second job to fill in my free time and this 2nd job was as a caregiver at an assisted living home. I worked at that job for all of 3 months before giving my 2 week notice. It was my first time directly caring for someone by myself and it terrified me. Although I was only helping with ADLs, I was constantly paranoid and wondering if I was keeping the residents clean enough or if I was going to hurt them in any way. I felt like a total freaking psycho with the amount of anxiety the job created. I would literally have mini panic attacks and feel so depressed the days before going into work. Fast forward a few months and I find out I'm accepted into my ADN program for Fall. However, knowing how embarrassed I was for quitting and wondering what my peers would think of me and still not being in the best place mentally/physically, I declined that acceptance as soon as I got it. Again went into panic mode about what I was going to do. Finally decided I would retake my TEAS to get a higher score and apply to a very reputable BSN program where I could essentially start over with no one knowing my past struggles and have the next 7 months before starting to get my physical and mental health situated. However, I put my mental and physical health aside but found peace in knowing I was again pursuing an end goal of getting into the BSN program.
As of a month ago, I was accepted into the BSN program and while excited, I was still apprehensive knowing that I have these immense fears of caring for someone as an RN. I recently completed an internal transfer at my hospital to a tele tech, but quit that position as well as a result of immense anxiety and fear on not catching a critical rhythm in time or not be competent in my duties. I know some of you may be rolling your eyes at my track record of quitting, but I struggle immensely with change and have dealt with anxiety my entire life. If you had made it this far into my post, my question to all of you is what my next step should be? I do not feel I am mentally stable enough right now to take on nursing school and feel it would be in my best interest to seek out a psychiatrist and really deal with my issues. I truly believe that my desire to be a nurse is no longer present and I should seek other career options where fears of uncertainty and anxiety won't result in my bringing harm to my patients. I have a sincere interest in health promotion and health education but I am not sure what avenues I can pursue in school that will provide me a position in such a field. I have thought about social work, going back to pursuing nutrition and maybe even public health. I see myself working with low income individuals who have no idea on how to get and stay healthy and providing them with information on programs, etc. I am really at a loss right now and just need some insight from anyone willing to listen.
