I Think I've Just About Had It.......

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

.......with my job. Maybe even my career.

On the surface, I've got it made: a secure, full-time day shift job with a day off right in the middle of the week, and no weekends. I work with many fine professionals and have a multitude of friends, two managers whom I adore (and one whom I at least don't hate), and while there's a weasel or two in every chickenhouse, those hateful, hypercritical perfectionist types are everywhere, and this hospital has fewer of them than any other place I've ever worked. I've worked here several times, once as an aide and twice as a nurse, and this time I've stayed over two years........a record for someone who'd never stuck with one position for longer than 19 months.

Maybe it's that old restlessness again. Maybe I'm just ready for a change. But what I do know is that my body just isn't tolerating the beating of a typical Med/Surg workday anymore.......I've been sick with one damn thing after another since mid-January, been to the hospital three times, admitted once for three days, had surgery, and now am fighting a kidney infection that came on despite two rounds of antibiotics. Why?? I've never been like this before in my life........up until this past year, I rarely if ever got sick, and if I did, it was ONE day, two at most. Now I spend WEEKS trying to get over one thing or another.......flu/bronchitis in Jan/Feb., chest pain and viral myocarditis in Feb., kidney stones and another round of bronchitis in Mar/April, surgery in late April, and now I get pyelo after the stents came out.

So, this has played nelly-hell with my status at work. I've been verbally warned, given corrective action (basically, a write-up), and now denied a promotion because I've been out sick so much that I've had to apply for FMLA (medical leave of absence). All of which, from a management standpoint, I completely understand.........after all, they're in the business of taking care of people, and if I can't be there doing what they hired me to do, they have to find someone who can.

But I can't ignore the very real possibility that, as more than one close friend or family member has told me, the physical stress of my job is more than my body can take anymore. It hurts my back to push beds over carpeted floors, but I do it because everyone is expected to be able to do this. It pains my soul to give the job all I've got and have it not be enough. I come home four evenings a week from my 11AM-7PM shift completely exhausted and ready for bed, not for spending quality time with my family and hearing about THEIR day. I gained all the weight back that I lost last summer and then some (I've since re-shed 23# of it) in no small part because as the 11 o'clock person, I'm seen as the 'break' nurse, and thus I'm assumed to not need lunch or breaks myself.....I rarely, if ever, get lunch before 2:30 PM. (Which in turn led me to snarfing down everything that wasn't red hot or nailed down!)

The weight, of course, only makes everything harder, so while I'm doing what I can to at least lose what I regained, it's going to take some time. In the meantime, my immune system is shot, I haven't felt good in months, and because my family depends on my income, I don't have the luxury of NOT pushing myself to go back to work too soon after an illness or surgery. I'm also trapped in a shift I have grown to dislike intensely......there's too much noise, too many extraneous people to stumble over, too many 'suits', too many families, admissions, post-ops, orders, and busy-work. The other night I was actually asked to work 3-11, and I was reminded of how badly I really do miss my old shift........it's still busy, but so much CALMER than day shift (and will someone tell me why we have to do so much more work for less money?!).

I didn't have to go look for a CNA to keep track of my post-op vital signs or do them myself; the night shift aides just do them without being told. (I'm very anal about this, and it frustrates me that the aides on days always need to be reminded, or they go out to smoke when vitals are due, or they fall behind and 'forget' to tell us nurses until it's too late.) The phone wasn't ringing off the hook. The 'suits' were all gone by 4PM. The noise level dropped so fast at 7 it was like the entire floor had folded up for the night. I had plenty to do, with three very heavy care patients and a post-op, but it was so much more do-able when I didn't have to deal with all the overstimulation and I had actual help with the incontinent patients.......it was delightful, and I went home tired but much more relaxed.

Now, there is officially no 3-11 shift anymore; believe me, if I could go back to it---and I've asked before---I would in a New York Minute. The only way to do it is to go casual, which means losing my health insurance (NOT a good thing, with over $15,000 in hospital/doctor/pharmacy bills racked up this year alone). I've gone so far as to put in a request for a transfer to our corporation's flagship hospital 12 miles away; there's a part-time 3-11 position open there that would allow me to keep my benefits AND probably pay more. It also might not be a bad idea to transfer anyway; the actual floors are set up in 'pods' where you don't have to walk so far just to answer a call light or get supplies, and I've heard their staffing ratios are better than ours (and ours aren't bad).

But I really hate the idea of leaving, even though I know it would likely be for the best. And I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up Med/Surg sooner rather than later, because even though I love the work, the job itself is getting to be more than I can take. I've got to support my family and pay my bills, of course, which is why this decision is going to be a hard one no matter which way I go with this. If nothing else, being ill for so much of the time lately has given me some perspective on humans' endless quest for money and material comforts; even though we have to have at least some to be completely satisfied. Life, I've decided, is too short to be this discontented; the world, too beautiful to be seen only through eyes dimmed by fatigue and tears.

I look forward to any insight you all may have to share with me. :)

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

The same thing you read about on this board on other threads: You HAVE to take care of yourself first before you can care for others.

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Specializes in Everything but psych!.

Please, oh please, consider another job. Pushing yourself to illness, or worse yet, injury is not what nursing should be. There are many of us who are no longer able to do the full time day shift on the nursing units anymore. It doesn't make you any less of a person, or any less of a nurse, just a nurse with a different need. There are a lot of other units that could use you! Hugs and good luck!

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Marla, I'm sorry to hear about all the troubles you've had lately. It's so true that if you don't have your health, you don't have anything. I give you all the credit in the world; I left med-surg after only 2 years because of the stress on my body as well as my mind and emotional well-being. I now work in an oncology clinic (M-F, no holidays or weekends) for more pay and way less stress. I do miss the hands-on patient care and adrenaline rushes of working with the acutely ill, but wouldn't trade my new job for the old one for anything. I think the other position sounds promising, and is worth some serious consideration. Good luck in your decision :)

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Thanks, ladies!

I'm feeling better today......antibiotics are kicking in.......but I checked with the infection-control nurse at my workplace today to see what being a R/O C.diff means in terms of work restrictions. What it means, of course, is no direct patient contact (DUH), wash hands with soap and warm water only (no cheating by using the alcohol gel), and even if I DON'T have the evil weevil (as I call it), I can't work until the diarrhea has resolved.

I'm afraid I'm going to have no choice but to go casual........my nurse manager has worked with me long and hard, but I can't imagine being allowed to stay in this extremely vital (and much-envied) position much longer. I just talked to the nursing supervisor, who told me "NO, don't go casual, we need you too much", but along with my more selfish desire to work a little less hard comes my sense of fair play, which tells me they need someone who's reliable---something I have not been of late, and I'm kind of ashamed of that. I always was so dependable before, I was there every day when I was supposed to be and did extra when asked, and I never called in unless I was so ill I couldn't get my head OFF the pillow or OUT of the john. :rolleyes:

OK, so I'm done being Super Nurse.........all I want now is to just be able to work in the field I love without killing myself. :stone

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

Marla, you're not a cripple on permanent disability. Just a few setbacks recently. Whose to say you're not going get back into good shape and back to the vibrant worker you once were. You're the same age as me and you are not old. Just a bit wore out, beaten and battered, but don't set yourself out to the pasture just yet.

Being realistic and surrendering are two different things. It may be a long slow battle, but you can whip yourself slowly into better shape for the future.

Good luck in whatever you do. All I'm saying is you're sounding like your 100 years old with one foot in the grave and the other on a bananna peel, rather than a vibrant, but middle aged woman. :)

Woot.

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Specializes in Hemodialysis, Home Health.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))), Marla. I agree with all the above.

But most of all, your body DOES need a serious break for a good while.

It is screaming for it. Listen to your body and not your emotions.. not your wants, needs and desires.. but to your body this time. It is begging for a rest. As is your mind, your spirit.

Once these have all been given the time they need to thouroughly heal, then and only then should you consider going back to the whirlwind you find yourself in daily. And perhaps not even then.

There comes a time in all our lives when enuff is just enuff. Time to move on to other pastures. Doesn't mean you're "old" or no longer "fit".. just that you need to find something that is beneficial to your health.. mind, body, spirit... and yes, there are plenty of options out there !

You're not "giving up".. you're moving on. You're doing NO ONE any good this way at all. Not your patients, not your employer, not Marla.

A change might be just the thing you NEED to find your self once again.

Wish you the very best, Marla, in whatever you decide to do. :kiss

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Best of luck to you Marla. Maybe things will work out if you go on "casual" instead of full-time. It sure sounds like your body needs a lot of good rest right now. Put yourself first and take good care of yourself. :)

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Marla, you're not a cripple on permanent disability. Just a few setbacks recently. Whose to say you're not going get back into good shape and back to the vibrant worker you once were. You're the same age as me and you are not old. Just a bit wore out, beaten and battered, but don't set yourself out to the pasture just yet.

Being realistic and surrendering are two different things. It may be a long slow battle, but you can whip yourself slowly into better shape for the future.

Good luck in whatever you do. All I'm saying is you're sounding like your 100 years old with one foot in the grave and the other on a bananna peel, rather than a vibrant, but middle aged woman. :)

Woot.

Bless you, Tweety, you do have a way of putting things into perspective :chuckle You're right, I must sound like I'm ready to give up the ghost, which is actually pretty far from the reality (even though lately I've FELT like 100 years old :o ).

However......I do believe I need to stop beating myself half to death trying to keep up with the ever-increasing demands of my job. I've heard, twice now, how my co-workers are sometimes frustrated with my "lack of motivation", which takes the heart right out of me because I work as hard and run as fast as I possibly can. I don't sit down, I don't take breaks, I hardly even get to eat........how long can one stay motivated, let alone healthy, under those circumstances? So, instead of changing the circumstances, I chose to continue in this destructive pattern, meanwhile defiantly ignoring the fact that my weight and my problems with depression (working on both issues even as we speak) have seriously affected my ability to do what the job requires.

And that's where the real problem lies........when you get right down to where the cheese binds, I am by nature sensual and lazy, and hard physical work that hurts me and wears me out must be my subconscious attempt to expiate what I have been taught all my life are mortal sins. (Don't get me wrong, I went into nursing because I really do love taking care of people, but I could have done something a little less stressful than med/surg!)

So because I'm ashamed of that part of me, I battle with depression, and whenever I get to feeling low---whether because of the weather or trouble at work or finances or whatever reason, I start in on the candy and the cake and the cookies and the chips to make myself feel better temporarily (think of all the natural endorphins in dark chocolate!!), all of which serve instead to make me fatter and more depressed. It becomes harder to move around, my joints complain, my back sings "Aida", and I have to work even harder to keep up with the demands of my job. This in turn frustrates me, tires me out, and I go home and eat some more.........and the vicious cycle goes on.

Oh, wow. This stuff all just came out of nowhere.........I didn't even know I knew that about myself. :uhoh21: Now, just what the hell I'm going to DO with this information remains to be seen........but Tweety, thanks for getting my thinking going in that direction. I may just owe you big time!! :p

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Specializes in Neuro/Med-Surg/Oncology.

Does your facility/floor use agency nurses? If so, try to have the agency place you on the floor you were on before, for 3-11 shift. If the hospital is not willing to do this for you, but pay twice as much for someone outside to do it, why not have that outside person be you?

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Does your facility/floor use agency nurses? If so, try to have the agency place you on the floor you were on before, for 3-11 shift. If the hospital is not willing to do this for you, but pay twice as much for someone outside to do it, why not have that outside person be you?

No such luck......up until 2 months ago, I could have, because our organization had an 'in-house' registry which partially staffed all five of our hospitals when the census was high or an individual facility's employee roster was low. Unfortunately, it was abolished in March when all facilities were deemed to be staffed adequately with permanent employees; a lot of our part-timers (and even a few full-timers) were left without that second income, and it hit them really hard, because they were making upwards of $40 an hour for the same jobs they held at ours for much less. :o

Thanks for the thought, though......if I were of a mood to leave my organization, I'd go with agency in a heartbeat, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'll be fully vested in the company's pension plan if I stay with them for only another 9 months. Besides, I like the company I work for and wish to stay with them anyway, at least until we move out of state in a couple of years. I am still looking at the 24-hour-per-week position at our regional medical center, though; it's on the 3-11 shift, and I like the physical set-up there as well.

What I would like more than anything is to go back to where I started, and that's with the part-time 3-11 shift......it gave me enough hours for benefits, and I could always pick up more when needed. Oh well, you win a few, you lose a few. :rolleyes:

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Specializes in Community Health Nurse.

((((((marla)))))) :kiss i truly do feel your pain, and totally get where you are coming from in your first post, and others you have posted here. i'm also going through the need to make some serious changes in my life...with my nursing career...etc.. i need to treat myself better. my mind wants to do one thing, but my body, my spirit, and my emotions are screaming for relief...for freedom from anguish and being stressed out all the time. :crying2: i'm down to turning off the ringer on my phone from bedtime until i feel like hearing it ring the next morning -- usually after i have taken care of myself in the mornings [including nourishing my body which i have a tendency to not feed until late in the day].:uhoh3:

i'm back on my celexa everyday. i don't cry as much now, but still feel as if life is passing me by...the nights aren't long enough, and the days are too short. :o

i'm going to be moving again soon because the area i've been living in since last fall isn't lucrative enough for me employment wise. i'd love to have heaven rain money right into my lap that would at least ease many financial burdens i have right now. i find myself just putting one foot in front of the other every minute of every day. it's a struggle, but it's something i must continue doing. i know something is going to come along for me for the better..........when is the question. :rolleyes:

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