I did something stupid... no, embarrassing and stupid

Published

Okay, first I want to make it clear that this is not a thread about religion. Please, let's not discuss our personal views of religion, that isn't my topic.

Here is my problem. I have two patients, D and J. D and J (I'm serious here folks) share the same biological mother and they share the same husband. D is preggers with her 17th child and J is preggers with her 14th child. There are several other wives to this gentleman but they aren't my patients.

Today I was talking to the MD office getting some orders (home infusion co,) and although the topic was J I mentioned something I needed for D as well. The woman on the phone acted confused and I was trying to explain their relationship tactfully. I started to say that D was going to borrow something from her ... frie... sist... umm... suddenly I drew a total blank at how they would refer to one another. I finally blurted out "co-wives!" Oh geez, what an idiot I am. The stuttering and stammering on my part was not intentional, I was actually looking for a respectful term and I wasn't coming up with anything and the more I stammered trying to find the right term the more it looked like I was looking for a smart remark or insulting term. It felt like this went on for a long time but it was really just seconds. The more I realized what a butt I was making of myself the more I stuttered and couldn't come up with a word.

Finally the woman on the phone kindly reminded me that we are all women and they are just like me. Just women. She did think I was trying to come up with an insulting remark. She was also tactfully telling me that she is also one of many wives to the same husband.

I just came clean with her. I said look, I don't know how I am going to get out of this one other than to apologize. I was trying to come up with a respectful term and I drew a blank. I am so very sorry. She laughed and told me she was used to this. I did explain that I just froze and nothing bright was coming to mind. I really was looking for a respectful term.

She laughed and said not to worry, she believed me. But she just asked me one question, would I please just promise her one thing. I said sure, what is it? She asked that I not believe everything I see and hear in the media. She said it just isn't like the media makes this out to be.

A little history. I live in Arizona and there are parts of AZ that have Mormons that believe in this lifestyle. There has been a great deal of media coverage on this and the are blasting these folks. I really don't know much about this lifestyle but today I realized I need to learn about it.

I am in serious need of a lesson in culture here. I point blank admitted this to the woman on the phone. She said she would see what she could find. I was looking for something to read and understand their point of view. She said she would do some checking and let me know.

A couple of hours later she called me and said that she came up with.. nothing. They are extremely private people and they just don't talk about their world much and they don't write about it. She asked around and pondered this since our previous conversation and she wasn't able to come up with anything.

I asked if I could ask a question and she said sure, go for it. I asked my question and she answered from her point of view.

This makes me realize, I don't want to be in that position again. I want to learn more about this but I don't know how. I want to be respectful of my patients but I'm at a loss as to how to do this.

Any suggestions for some good reading? A place where my questions will be answered? The more I understand their ways of living and thinking the better I can do for my two patients.

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. And does anyone have any similar experiences?

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Specializes in Case Management, Home Care, ICU, BMT,.

something from her ... frie... sist... umm... suddenly I drew a total blank at how they would refer to one another. I finally blurted out "co-wives!" Oh geez, what an idiot I am. The stuttering and stammering on my part was not intentional, I was actually looking for a respectful term and I wasn't

I am in serious need of a lesson in culture here. I point blank admitted this to the woman on the phone. She said she would see what she could find. I was looking for something to read and understand their point of view. She said she would do some checking and let me know.

I'm in NYC, and have never been in this situation. However, on a TV documentary on this topic several years ago, I did hear one plural wife refer to another plural wife as her "sister wife". Perhaps this would be a term you could use? Here, we call people in alternative relationships "domestic partners", "life partners" or "significant others." However, the "domestic partner" and "life partner" designations are usually reserved for same gender relationships.

Susan in NYC

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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

I would have said "wives with the same husband" for lack of another known term to use lol.

Not really something i run into at my job. Closest thing i've encountered to 'different' from the general is the husbands with the mail-order brides. That was information that the hubands volunteered, after stating their wife didn't speak any English.

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There are actually a few books out on this topic and actually this family, if it is the one that I am thinking of. One of the bigger tv channels did an whole expose on them over the past few months.............I am sorry but I can't remember the reporter's name, he actually won an award for his research.

You are speaking of the Mormon polygamist families that live on the Arizona/Utah border and move back and forth, depending on the government situation at the time.

If you work in Phoenix, you would have come across them at some time or another..........

Feel free to pm me if you have more questions...........

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I think co-wives is the term this sect uses up here in Canada.

They've been in the media alot lately due to educational difficulties (never having the kids in the school for the appropriate number of day, nobody going past junior high) and the fact that all the other wives (other than the first one) claim social assistance to support the children.

The wives all went to a national conference on women to explain they weren't exploited or abused, just different....

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They're all around this part of the country. No one seems to go after them even though they're breaking the law. They shelter the girls from everything and even arrange marriages for them while they're still underage.

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I'm in NYC, and have never been in this situation. However, on a TV documentary on this topic several years ago, I did hear one plural wife refer to another plural wife as her "sister wife". Perhaps this would be a term you could use? Here, we call people in alternative relationships "domestic partners", "life partners" or "significant others." However, the "domestic partner" and "life partner" designations are usually reserved for same gender relationships.

Susan in NYC

Sister-wife, that sounds reasonable. Thanks!

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I would have said "wives with the same husband" for lack of another known term to use lol.

Not really something i run into at my job. Closest thing i've encountered to 'different' from the general is the husbands with the mail-order brides. That was information that the hubands volunteered, after stating their wife didn't speak any English.

You know, if I would have thought this one through before opening my big mouth I would have been okay. All the sudden I was just stuck, I had no idea what word I was looking for. Co-wives seemed insulting by the reaction to the woman I was talking to.

I haven't dealt w/mail order brides yet. I'm still trying to figure out co-wives. I really have lived a sheltered life. :uhoh21:

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Specializes in Telemetry, ICU, Resource Pool, Dialysis.

The Morman Tabernacle in Mesa has a geneology library on the campus. I believe they have other texts besides the geneology stuff in which you may find some information. However, I'm pretty sure the Morman Church has "officially" banned polygamist marraiges, so there may not be much on modern polygamy.

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There are actually a few books out on this topic and actually this family, if it is the one that I am thinking of. One of the bigger tv channels did an whole expose on them over the past few months.............I am sorry but I can't remember the reporter's name, he actually won an award for his research.

You are speaking of the Mormon polygamist families that live on the Arizona/Utah border and move back and forth, depending on the government situation at the time.

If you work in Phoenix, you would have come across them at some time or another..........

Feel free to pm me if you have more questions...........

It isn't the family you are thinking of, but they are likely neighbors. Yes, this is Colorado City, Arizona. You know, I really haven't come across them in all these years. They don't meander to the valley much.

They aren't just in Arizona/Utah anymore. They are building a huge city in Texas now and they are also in Mexico. But yes, they are always near a border to escape if need be.

The woman I was talking to today told me if I were to Google Mormons and 1953 (I think I recall the year correctly) I would find a great deal of information about when the gov't went into their city and took all the children. They wanted to adopt them out to various families but didn't have families available. So they ended up putting them in SNFs for lack of anywhere else to place them. After two years and various court battles they got their children back.

I do plan on researching this, I'm interested in how that all played out.

I realized today how very ignorant I am of these folks. I had no idea the women worked, I thought they were all 'stay at home' Moms. One of the ladies I work with has some pretty strong opinions due to her time in Colorado City and she feels the women are abused and nothing more. She wasn't permitted to give many of them medical care because she is a woman. The husbands wanted a smart person caring for their wives, you know... a man.

I want first hand info. I want to learn more about this so I don't face another embarrassing moment like today.

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They're all around this part of the country. No one seems to go after them even though they're breaking the law. They shelter the girls from everything and even arrange marriages for them while they're still underage.

I know. Actually since she was clearly open to educating me I asked if I could ask a question. I asked about the little girls. I said what little I know about this is that little adolescent girls are taken from their family and married off to old men. Was that true?

She claims that although it is true the girls are not forced to do this against their will. It is with their full permission.

Can a 14 year old little girl make that kind of decision?

I don't know, religion issues concern me. My bottom line is that I am going to be dealing with these folks more and more and I really need an education here. The gal I spoke to today suggested I take a trip and see for myself. I'm very tempted to do just that however I've never been good at keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself. If I see something I feel is dead wrong... well, you know.

I don't understand one mega issue. If these folks were in downtown Phoenix all the adults would be in jail and the children in foster care. I don't understand why it is permitted to marry these little girls off to older men just because they are in Colorado City. There is so much I don't understand.

My request to learn more really is sincere. I need to learn more about their culture so I don't offend by mistake.

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The Morman Tabernacle in Mesa has a geneology library on the campus. I believe they have other texts besides the geneology stuff in which you may find some information. However, I'm pretty sure the Morman Church has "officially" banned polygamist marraiges, so there may not be much on modern polygamy.

Ohhh! Good idea! Thank you!

I wonder, if I were to go there and just explain as I have here... I wonder if they do have anything if they would take the time to point it out. I would think they would??

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