Well, this is it---I resigned this morning, and even though it won't be effective until January 3rd, I've worked my last shift in Med/Surg. I went in for a CT scan (kidney stones again) and started getting palpitations just stepping off the elevator onto my old unit to deliver Christmas cards and gifts......that's when I knew for certain that I wasn't going back there to work, not tomorrow, not next week, not EVER.
Lord, I hate to admit this, but I've finally run across something I can't just get past by willing it and toughing it out. I can't do it. I can't........ for the past week, every time I even thought about going back to that floor, to that kind of pressure and stress, my innards would tie themselves in knots and I'd have to dash for the bathroom. My BP, even at home, and even on multiple meds, is upwards of 180/90; I've been having nightmares and waking up in cold sweats; and half the time I'm unsure of whether I'm going to cry or throw up!!
Life is way too short to be this upset and miserable, though, and with the intensive therapy I've been getting recently has come the realization that NO job is worth this. I just walked away from a position that would have paid me $30 an hour come this March, and without securing a new job first........which is downright terrifying, but even an uncertain future isn't as fearsome as going on the way I was. I'm not even that worried about finding another job---I'm leaving with excellent references and my good name intact, and I might not have if I'd continued to drag my poor body through endless days of back-breaking physical and mental labor, working harder and harder just to try to keep up, knowing I couldn't, and always being afraid of missing something or making a mistake that could harm a patient.
So what I will do next, I don't know........I feel as though I'm stepping off the edge of a cliff with no net to catch me and no cushion to soften my landing. But almost anything shy of winding up living under a bridge will be better than living with this constant fear.......already the relief is palpable, and even my boss said today was the first time she's seen a genuine smile on my face in months. (One of the bonuses---besides peace of mind---is that she and I, now that we are no longer in fact boss and employee, can be FRIENDS. We bonded immediately when we first met two years ago, and we've always wanted to be friends.......in fact, the very last thing she said to me as I was leaving was "I love you" and that she hoped to get together with me soon, just to chat, because she likes me so much as a person.)
In the meantime, I'm going to give myself the gift of enjoying the holidays---my little girl, my soldier, is home for Christmas!!---and resting my body and mind so I can job-seek with renewed vigor and prepare for the next adventure in this profession we call nursing.:)
Marla, soo glad to hear you finally resigned - you needed to do that! Now just relax and enjoy the holidays with your family, and then look for a job where you will be happier. I hope you'll also find your health improving now that you are away from all that stress. Good for you!
Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.
It sounds like you have literally saved your life. I am very happy for you. I too have been following your story and no job is worth what it was doing to you. With your experience I have no doubt you will find a good position. Best of luck on your job hunt.
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Well, the shock of actually up and quitting yesterday has finally worn off......and this morning reality hit me with both barrels: "OMG, what have I done??"
I don't have a job to go to. I no longer have an income. Whatever was I THINKING when I waltzed in there and turned in my resignation without having another job secure in hand??
Oh, yeah......this morning was the first one in months when I didn't feel like I was going to puke when I walked into the bathroom and saw my scrubs hanging there, waiting for me to put them on and go to work. Today is also the first day in over a year when my coughing and wheezing don't feel like an omen of worse things to come....it's just a cold, or at worse, bronchitis, and it doesn't mean I'm going to come down with something life-threatening. It's OK, I don't have to worry about trying to get through the day feeling like garbage and worrying about getting behind in my work, because I don't work Med/Surg anymore.
Hallelujah!!
Thanks again for all your help and concern.......I think I'll be all right after all:p
I'm so glad for you. I know it's scary to not know where you'll be financially, but I'm sure it's only temporary. No job is worth the amount of jeopardy you put your mind, body and soul into with this last one. I deliberately set my schedule for 3 12's a week and rarely do overtime. I'm usually not at work more than two days in a row. Very beneficial when I've had the shifts from h#%%. My job is just that, a job. I like it, but it's not who I am. As for your financial situation, you've been there before and have survived. You can cut some corners for awhile until you have a game plan. In the meantime, enjoy some well deserved down time with your beloved family. Some things you can't put a price on.
:Reindeer: Elizabeth
P.S. I find your wisdom to know your limitations admirable. :balloons:
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
I seem to be on a roll........tonight I also gave my dear but oh-so-aggravating elder sister an earful as well. She and my BIL have been crying poor all year long---she quit her legal secretary position in February and was unable to keep the job she got in October---even though they received a $30,000 settlement from his old work-related injury back in May (they went through every dime of it by August, bought themselves new and expensive furniture, a new car, and TWO refrigerators:angryfire ). In the meantime, no one in our family except our boys got birthday presents, she didn't bother to attend our anniversary party in September, and a couple of weeks ago she called to tell me they couldn't afford any Christmas gifts either.....they didn't even know where their next rent payment was coming from.
OK, there's no real problem with that, I understand.........we all had some really bad years ourselves back there when, and in the good years we more than made up for the lean ones. There were even times when she had more money than we did, and she bought stuff for us that we couldn't afford. Well and good. And then came last weekend, when I went over to visit and was eagerly welcomed into the master bedroom, where sat a brand-new, 27-inch, flat-screen TV.......and she had the nerve to BRAG about it!! "Look what Ron and I bought ourselves for Christmas," was how she put it.
Wait a minute. You don't know how you're even going to pay your electric bill this month, to say nothing of being able to buy Christmas gifts for your family, but you can afford a new TV?? "Oh, our eyes are so bad now that we just can't see that little 13-inch one any more," said this 59-year-old (going on 89, apparently) to her 47-year-old, bifocaled 'baby sister'. (BTW, these two already own five TVs to start with, one in the living room, one in each bedroom PLUS one in the bathroom.) But what really tore it was, she actually expected me to be HAPPY for her, when all she's done is 'forget' every birthday and special occasion all year........I just couldn't deal.
"I'd imagine the money you spent on that TV would've bought a LOT of Christmas gifts", I said to her, unable---and suddenly unwilling---to swallow my hurt and disappointment. I mean, I don't care if she can't afford presents, I don't want her to take food off her table or go into debt to buy gifts, and we certainly don't need more stuff than we already have. But dammit, I thought it was selfish of her to gloat over buying a new TV (to say nothing of ignoring the family when she and her DH were racing through his settlement money), and I wasn't going to hide it. I didn't go into it any further then, but evidently what I said got under her skin because she told my 14-year-old tonight that she was "upset" about it.
Well, that REALLY did it. I confronted her in the dining room and told her, in no uncertain terms, exactly what I thought about all of this: "YOU'RE 'upset' about that? I'M the one who's upset"......and that was just the beginning. Now, mind you, I'm 12 years younger and have never in my life climbed into her like that, but the way I see it, it's about 15 years overdue. She's always been very self-involved, always had this attitude like she deserved the best of everything and the rest of us peons were put here to serve her; of course, my being the younger of us two also means that I know absolutely NOTHING about life, even though I myself am nearing the half-century mark and have experienced many things she has no clue about.
I love her dearly, but I have gotten to the point where I can't stand to be around her; now, since she got fired from her latest job, she has taken to her bed with only her Ativan and her self-pity for company (I guess that's why she needed the big new TV); my BIL cooks for her, waits on her, cleans up after her, and otherwise caters to her every whim, but there is no real emotional connection. I know she's depressed, but a lot of it is of her own making........she takes the pills for her 'nerves', she broods about how crappy her life is, and then she does everything she can to anger the few people who still give a rip about her. Her kids don't; she spent way too many of their childhood years in a stupor (the pills are NOT a new problem) and wasn't emotionally available to them, so now they pretty much ignore her. Her husband left her 15 years ago, and now that they've been back together for the past year-and-a-half, they're both remembering why they split in the first place (he's always complaining about his back hurting, she's always making him do stuff for her that she should be doing for herself).
And now, she's succeeded in alienating my oldest daughter (with whom she used to spend a great deal of time only a few short years ago) by being openly antagonistic toward our son-in-law, and she's even managed to push me away. The thing is, while I'm deeply saddened by this turn of events, I've progressed just far enough in therapy to realize that I cannot let this relationship keep dragging me down. She is my last living relative; but even so, I can't save her from herself when I've got so very much work to do on MY self. I'm sure she thinks I'm quite the selfish bee-yotch, especially now that I've dumped on her when she's going through soooooo much (can we all puke now??) But something's crossed over in me, and I just can't go back to taking her crap when I've got to deal with my own.
Thanks for reading this looooooong vent. I'm going to bed now.:)
:yeah: 
weetziebat
775 Posts
Marla, soo glad to hear you finally resigned - you needed to do that! Now just relax and enjoy the holidays with your family, and then look for a job where you will be happier. I hope you'll also find your health improving now that you are away from all that stress. Good for you!