I Am A Sober Nurse, But Only for Today

J.Adderton, BSN, MSN

Approximately 1 in 10 nurses suffer from substance use disorders, which parallels rates within the general population. I have been one of the 10% and would like to share my experience and hope with other nurses and students living in addiction. For some reading this article, each day is spent in isolation, fear and overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt. Even after three years, these feelings could still threaten my sobriety. Therefore, I can only be sober for today.

But You See, I Am A Nurse

I knew I needed help months before entering treatment. Even though my sense of self and relationships were harshly affected by my drinking, it was the fear (or excuse) of losing my nursing license that kept me from seeking help. I confided in my family that I needed treatment, but would always say, “but you see, I am a nurse”. I would then go on to explain the judgment that would come and shame associated with being an alcoholic member of the “most trusted profession”. In addition, I did not know how treatment would impact my license.

All Roads Lead to One

The disease of addiction follows a fairly predictable and progressive path.. Therefore, my drinking, subsequent withdrawal symptoms and consequences increased over time. Nurses with addictions often continue to progress until their nursing career becomes jeopardized, revoked or surrendered. You may be reading this and have tried multiple ways to slow your disease, just as I did:

Vowing to “cut back” on your substance of choice
Attempting to wean yourself off of substance (i.e. decreasing amount you drink daily)
Quitting “cold turkey”
Researching on internet “ways to avoid withdrawal”
Seeking medical treatment for health problems, but not disclosing substance abuse as the cause

Although some may follow a different path, the disease progression usually takes a predictable road.

The Damage We Cause

I caused damage in almost every area of my life during my active alcoholism. I was not “present” for my husband and children. I missed important family functions. I isolated myself from people who loved and missed me. I was not at the nursing standard I valued for myself. I caused financial chaos. I lost myself and those close to me grieved the loss of the person they once knew. I would drink to avoid facing the painful consequences of my actions and behaviors. When I was newly sober and even at times today, the guilt and shame of what I caused could be a strong trigger for relapse. It was simply overwhelming. But I could face a single day and work towards recovery for a period of just 24 hours. Therefore, I focused on being sober just for today. As time went on, I strung together days, weeks, months and now three years.

A Career Rock Bottom

I eventually lost my job due to my substance abuse and knew I would likely be reported to my state’s board of nursing. I never dreamed of being in this position after 20 years of positively contributing to the nursing profession. I worked at a small hospital in an “everybody knows everyone” town and was unable to fathom how I would overcome this enormous “blow” to my reputation.

Three days after this event, I entered a treatment program designed for licensed professionals. During detox, I was told to focus on just getting through the next couple of hours. Eventually, the “numbing” effect of alcohol was out of my system and I was faced with the totality of my actions and behaviors. Early in my inpatient rehab, I had to focus on getting through that one moment because anything more was too ominous.

One Really is the Loneliest Number

Quote
Because one is the loneliest number, That you'll ever do.
- Harry Nillson (song lyrics)

A pivotal moment in my recovery was discovering my experience with substance abuse was not unique. Certainly it was my experience and my life consequences were different than others. However, the progression of my disease and the overall impact to my personal, financial and work life was similar to other healthcare professionals in the program. I was once told by a member of my treatment team, “Jane, your disease is not unique and you are not alone.”.

If you are struggling with substance abuse, your path to recovery may be different from my own. However, it may be a very powerful support to connect with another person in recovery. You will be surprised how many nurses are in recovery, like myself, that are successfully contributing to the profession of nursing.

After Three Years, I Am Still Sober for Today Only

Today, I think about drinking very little and live a joyful life. Regretting the past or predicting the future could lure me back into active alcoholism. Therefore, I try to keep my feet planted in the present and although I plan for the future, I try to avoid “what if” moments. I would be lying if I told you I never get caught in the trap of “future-telling”. But, just for today, I can make the decision not to take a drink.

One of the most important pieces to my recovery is sharing my experience to support and give hope to another person. If interested, you can read more about my experience.

Confronting Jane: From the Perspective of An Impaired Nurse (Part One)

Confronting Jane: From the Perspective of An Impaired Nurse (Part Two)