Husband Wants Elderly Dad to Move In

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Looking for advice on how to handle a situation. My MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and my husband is looking ahead to when she is gone and his 86-year old father is alone (they live about an hour from us). My FIL can do his own ADLs at this point, but needs a walker, cannot ambulate very far without becoming fatigued, has a Hx of falls, and does not cook or clean d/t his wife doing it all for him these past 60 years. My husband asked me my thoughts on buying a new, bigger home and moving him in with us and our two sons when she passes. I understand my husband's devotion to his dad, but I am not crazy about this idea. I told him my concerns as a wife and my suggestions as a nurse, but I can see him shut down because I'm not agreeing with him. Bottom line: I don't want to be a 24-hour nurse and my husband doesn't want to accept that that's what I'll become because his dad's aging process is not going to suddenly reverse. Any suggestions or advice from others in a similar situation??

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Compromise and tell him it will happen when he provides for caregivers other than yourself. Since this is not an inexpensive venture, he probably will see that it is not an easy solution.

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Having navigated the world of eldercare the last 8 years, my best advice is to seek support in making the decision. Working with a counselor or someone you trust can provide a means for both of you to voice your concerns while being supported by a neutral party. Many hospitals have an Employee Assistance Program that offers counselling sessions as well as resources for eldercare. Many EAPs offer up to 10 counselling sessions. Be mindful that your husband is going through a wide range of emotions at this time and guilt oftentimes drives the decisions of caregivers. Getting support at this time may help your husband make a decision that is in the best interest for everyone. Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted.

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Specializes in Acute Care, Rehab, Palliative.

I think that despite your husbands good intentions you will find it too stressful to provide the level of care he will need. You will be " on duty" even when you are not at work. Would a retirement home be feasible?

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Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

I wish you well, Laurus Nobilis. I hope you find a solution to your situation.

Your family's situation provides a great example as to why we should all be making plans for ourselves long before we need to implement those plans. If we wait until help is actually needed, it just gets really messy.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTACH, LTC, Home Health.

I had my mother here with me for three full months when she got kicked out of the nursing home. It took forever, it seemed, to find a suitable place for her. But I did find a very nice personal care home for her. Her demented 'episodes' have decreased significantly because of the appearance of the facility and the people there.

I'm my mothers only daughter, and while she had the best nurse ever ;)here as her quality of life increased (as far as she understood) under my care, my quality of life suffered severely. She and I were practically joined at the hip for 24 hours a day. My car did not move without her and the walker in it. My 2-seater convertible rode out the summer under a car cover. All shopping was done online because of her behavior; and probability for deliberate falls from this attention-seeking individual was greater than 100%. Soliciting loving family members to sit with her came with a charge and a time-limit. No life for me whatsoever!!!, There I was, a grown woman, being told to be back home in an hour or two!!

Even now, Xmas plans are for me to take her, all by my lonesome, to see one of her sisters (6 hours and another state away) whom she hasn't seen in 11 years. I have to do this and I will do this as my gift to her because it doesn't sit right with me that the last time she saw her would have been the last time that she saw her, ya know? I can't imagine never seeing one of my siblings again, the selfish a**es that they are when it comes to our mother. My holiday will be spent making sure she has wonderful time. But that's ok, because there will be no guilt whatsoever with the many major changes I've laid out for the upcoming year, beginning on 12/30/16.:up:

OP, If you do this, your own family/marriage will suffer to some degree because you are already having resentments at the mere thought. I cried many-a-night because I literally gave up my future (chance at retirement from a job away from acute care that I absolutely LOVED), parts of my present (lost my health insurance), and an already-struggling social life simply faded away.

I would suggest that you and hubby discuss with both parents the idea of finding a suitable apartment inside an assisted living environment, (some of these apartments inside the right ALF are actually suites that are nicer than some of our homes), where there would be people to cater to and assist them both 24 hours a day throughout her remaining time with us. When her time comes, there would be nothing else to do to accommodate your husband's father....he's already around familiar faces and still living independently so-to-speak. That takes the worries away from all involved. In fact, I suggest you do a search, go visit some of these places, PICK UP BROCHURES prior to talking to you husband so that your he can have a pleasant visual to help sell him on the idea. Remind him that You won't have to worry about missing or cancelling family vacations due to dad's impaired mobility, nor would you have the financial obligations of purchasing a larger home and then trying to sell it and purchase yet another home in an attempt to down-size when dad passes away.

Good luck with this! I see the handwriting on the wall because I actually wrote a chapter on it.

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Specializes in PACU, pre/postoperative, ortho.

Has anybody asked your FIL what he wants?

Though it would have involved some remodeling, my sister & I each discussed my mom moving in with one of us, but she would have none of it. She never wanted to have to rely fully on us or anyone else, even though it was inevitable.

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Specializes in retired LTC.

(((OP & BSNbeDONE)))

I, too, have seen the effects of eldercare being provided by close family and have seen it take its toll.

Holding good thoughts for you two and others in similar situations.

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Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.

This sounds like my husband & his parents. My husband is 32 & his parents are 70, his mother had cancer & does everything for her husband. He's not as sickly, yet, but it will be coming. They also live a little over an hour from us. Thank *goodness* my husband's father is an ass & no one wants to care for him. My husband has said many-a-time that if his father got that sick they (his siblings) would put him in a nursing home or somewhere he could get the help he needs.

I wish you luck. It is never easy but you need to do not only what is best for the family member, but you too.

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No, the idea hasn't been broached with my FIL. My husband was seeking my thoughts first before approaching him. I'm hoping he wants to stay in his own community where the majority of his family (nieces, nephews) and friends are.

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EAP counseling is a great idea--one I hadn't thought of!

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Specializes in pediatrics; PICU; NICU.

Please be very careful with using EAP. I used it at a former employer when I was dealing with issues concerning my elderly father who lived 3 hours away from me. My reason for going to EAP was to try to find out how to find resources for him in his community. Nothing I talked about was kept confidential. It all went straight back to my manager & from that day on I had a target on my back. 2 months later I was terminated. I will never use EAP again for any reason nor will I suggest anyone else use it.

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