Husband Wants Elderly Dad to Move In

[Laurus Nobilis]

Looking for advice on how to handle a situation. My MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and my husband is looking ahead to when she is gone and his 86-year old father is alone (they live about an hour from us). My FIL can do his own ADLs at this point, but needs a walker, cannot ambulate very far without becoming fatigued, has a Hx of falls, and does not cook or clean d/t his wife doing it all for him these past 60 years. My husband asked me my thoughts on buying a new, bigger home and moving him in with us and our two sons when she passes. I understand my husband's devotion to his dad, but I am not crazy about this idea. I told him my concerns as a wife and my suggestions as a nurse, but I can see him shut down because I'm not agreeing with him. Bottom line: I don't want to be a 24-hour nurse and my husband doesn't want to accept that that's what I'll become because his dad's aging process is not going to suddenly reverse. Any suggestions or advice from others in a similar situation??

[Buyer beware, BSN]

Ok, I must ask the questions:

Where do you live? Some states are better with elderly assistance than others and that will depend on the inlaw's income.

Call the Department of Elder Affairs in your state and find out what you can.

Are either one or both of your inlaws veterans?

They would qualify for "vets assistance" administered through Dept of Veterans affairs.

They will send an evaluator out to see what services are required and they qualify for.

The get out of jail free card (with all due respect) would be if they happened to have a Long Term Care policy (many buy LTCPs and then forget they have them).

I pray that you and your husband can come to a happy medium with this situation as I believe that both your individual viewpoints are valid.

Just get the info you need and many of the tasks at hand may be less onerous.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

Just a thought...in the state where I reside, Medicaid will pay the monthly costs for an elder to live in an assisted living apartment.

The ALF setting will ensure your father-in-law's caregiving needs are being met on a day to day basis. In addition, you can avoid becoming the reluctant caregiver.