husband busts my bubble

[thatldo]

I just finished my 1st quarter of the most intense school work I've ever enountered for my LPN program.

I'm the oldest student in my class, so needless to say I really had to struggle through all my classes.

Anyway I call my husband who is disabled & confined to a wheelchair and tell him that the class is going out for the eveing for celebration. What I'm hoping is that he'll say that sounds like fun, are you going?

But instead he says something along the line of the "sinners" going out to a bar.

I live an hour away the school out in the country on a ranch and have alot of responsibility taking care of the livestock, since my husband is unable to. He has been in the chair for 3 years now, & lately I find that he unintentally (sp) brings me down to the point where I feel I have no life.

I would like to make our lives easier by selling some property off or the whole ranch & moving closer to town with less property to take care off & keep the horses and get out of the cattle business. He is still in denial about his health, refuses to sell his truck which just sits in the driveway since unable to drive and get a van.

Family is 30 minutes away to help, so its up to me to lift him from chair to potty, and then to tub. My back is starting to feel the strain. I've tried medicaid for help from a home aid, but seems there is a snag in there about him not requiring a nurse for home health so thats a dead end. I've suggested that a family member move in to help or even giving an acre or two to a good friend of ours so that he could at least be near in case of an emergency.

Anyway sorry to ramble, but wanted to know if anyone else is in the same boat out there and could make me feel better about my situation.

He doesn't want counseling, (I have no time nor support groups for me in area) and won't take antidepressants.

The other day he called me at school and had managed to get himself out of the chair onto the stool and was stuck there for 2 hours till I got there to help him up. This stressed his muscles what he has left of them so much his blood pressure shot up and started shaking violently. This lasted for an hour at least.

He does appreciate all that I do for him, and there is no question that I don't mind at all what I do to help BUT I also feel that he could alot more to help me to help him. That is what I'm probably upset about, the fact that this land means more to him than I do.

I'm not a psychologist but I do understand what he is going through, because it effects me also.

I just wanted so much to have at least one normal night out last night and to be social to celebrate, but instead of getting support I got my bubble busted, came home and fed livestock then drove into town for some take out food for supper.

You know if this wasn't me typing this out and was reading it from someone else, I'd probably say "oh be thankful that you have your husband still, and count your blessings".

Well I do and have but still I must have PMS

:chuckle so I just feel alittle better about writing this out. Maybe I'll just start a journal!

I'm not one to put out a personal story like this, but might be a hint that I'm grasping for some support.

Thanks for listening all, have a blessed day!

[imupallnite]

but i would like to say you are truly a strong women! sounds like you have gotten alot of great advice here! when it gets to where you can't bear it: let go and let god! He has great faith in you to give you such a load to bear!!! congrats on all your accomplishments!

[Agnus]

Sounds like he is afraid of loosing you. I think he understands only too well how dependent he is on you. You must set some limits though. If you don't he will end up loosing you. It can be hard to be assertive with someone who is dependent and truly in need. It is a co dependent situation. There is a difference between agression and assertion. The later is sometimes referred to as tough love in these situations.

You have physical and emoational limitations you must acknowlege them and discuss them with him. If you simply ignore them they will not go away.

No matter how much you love each other your relationship, sanity, health and happiness are at serious risk.

[Chiaramonte]

I personally have found that all the trials and hardships I have endured throughout my life have made me more empathetic to others. If there is a plus to this hardship you're living through is that it will make you stronger. You do need to take care of your own emotional and physical needs. Rely on the support of your friends...

There really has been some great points made here...don't have much more to add except you and your husband are in my good thoughts and prayers.

[Katnip, RN]

I haven't read every single post thoroughly, so I don't know if anyone has made this suggestion yet:

Have you looked into support groups online? I'm sure they must be out there. If you can get a local chapter's name they may have an online group or know of one.

Are there any neighboring ranchers who have teens who might help out with the ranch chores a few hours a week? I know next to nothing about ranching, but it seems neighbors are neighbors and will often help out.

What about friends of your husband? Do they still come around?

Just a few suggestions, but like it's been said already, you DO need to take care of yourself first.

BIG BIG HUGS from Maryland.

[Love-A-Nurse]

(((((thatido)))))

[sphinx, BSN, RN]

I was glad to read your post that the doctor suggested home PT. I would also see if the doctor would order home OT to teach him adaptation to learn to do basic ADL's on his own, there are a lot of things people can do on their own with proper tools and education. Also, when there is a skilled home care need, be it nursing or therapy, he should qualify for an aide. At least where I am from. Also, where I live, if you have medicaid (not medicare) you don't even need to have a skilled need to get an aide. Our medicaid patients are entitled to an aide regardless, and usually can get more hours than any of our other patients as well. We have many patients who are on service for aides only, the nurse only goes out every 2 weeks to do an aide supervision. This is wonderful for our long term chronic patients, as on medicare, you can only be on homecare doing an acute phase of your illness/treatment. One caveat to the medicaid issue: I don't know where you are, but here, there has been a big push to get a lot of medicaid recipients into the medicaid HMO program. These people are entitled to much less, at least in terms of homecare benefits. We have to get prior approvals for all visits, and the goal is to get them independent and off service as soon as possible. If they are entitled to an aide, there definintely has to be a skilled nursing/therapy need, and it is always short term only (usally only 2-4 aide visits depending on dx).

I hope you can get some help, because you do need to carve out some time for yourself. Our agency also provides a certified psych nurse, who I often get even the most reluctant client to see, just to "talk". Of course there is always social work, who can assist in counseling as well as a variety of other issues. Even recommend support groups, etc that you may never have known existed, if so inclined.

You need to take care of yourself, and if your hubby needs convincing of this, tell him you can't take good care of him unless you take care of yourself first. you are doing yourself no favors by burning your candles at both ends, and are doing him no favors in the end. You are likely to just burn out, and I'd hate to see that happen. I can tell you are frusrarted (understandably) but you seem to genuinely care.

Best of luck in working through all this-continue to post and vent as needed, and keep us posted in how things are going!!!!

(((hugs)))

[Hooligan]

You and your husband should check out the "Society for Disability Studies" SDS . There are also some great magazines/journals out there too..."Ragged Edge" & "New Mobility" to name a couple. Did you know that there are Master's and Ph.D. programs out there now dedicated to Disability Studies (the Dept. of Disabilities & Human Developent at the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Toledo has a program too...). There's so much information out there now... anyway, I just thought this information may be helpful! The SDS website has a ton of information on it...Also check out the journal "Disabilty Studies Quarterly" (DSQ). DSQ ...

~Bean

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Gosh - like all the other posters - I'm astounded you're still sane!!! Please, please take some time for you - get some counseling even if your hubby won't go. As to help when you are gone, how about a college or high school student?

[BBFRN, BSN, PhD]

I agree with all of the above, and my heart goes out to both of you!!!

[LaVorneRN]

You are very welcome. There is power in prayer and when we feel we want to do something to help someone prayer is the most powerful thing one can do. And there are many of us gathering in prayer for you and your husband so please be encouraged. You are one of the reasons I hang around here. Peace and blessingsXXXOOO

[ktwlpn, LPN]

This is the thread to represent what this board truly is....Hugs to all......

[jadednurse]

It's hard enough to be a caregiver to total strangers day in and day out, but to be a nurse all day (or all night, as the case may be!) and then come home and care for a loved one...it is truly physically and emotionally draining. I think it's hard for those who are not in the nursing profession to really understand. In fact, I've had my share of people who say "well, that's the profession you chose, it goes with the territory." Other professions do have their stresses, admittedly ones I would never be adept at handling smoothly, but the stress inherent in nursing and other healthcare professions is unique. You need to vent and talk about your situation...and don't feel guilty for it! At the end of the day you can truly say that what you do truly matters! To reiterate what others have so eloquantly stated: you are an inspiration...even to this jadednurse! One day at a time...