I just finished my 1st quarter of the most intense school work I've ever enountered for my LPN program.
I'm the oldest student in my class, so needless to say I really had to struggle through all my classes.
Anyway I call my husband who is disabled & confined to a wheelchair and tell him that the class is going out for the eveing for celebration. What I'm hoping is that he'll say that sounds like fun, are you going?
But instead he says something along the line of the "sinners" going out to a bar.
I live an hour away the school out in the country on a ranch and have alot of responsibility taking care of the livestock, since my husband is unable to. He has been in the chair for 3 years now, & lately I find that he unintentally (sp) brings me down to the point where I feel I have no life.
I would like to make our lives easier by selling some property off or the whole ranch & moving closer to town with less property to take care off & keep the horses and get out of the cattle business. He is still in denial about his health, refuses to sell his truck which just sits in the driveway since unable to drive and get a van.
Family is 30 minutes away to help, so its up to me to lift him from chair to potty, and then to tub. My back is starting to feel the strain. I've tried medicaid for help from a home aid, but seems there is a snag in there about him not requiring a nurse for home health so thats a dead end. I've suggested that a family member move in to help or even giving an acre or two to a good friend of ours so that he could at least be near in case of an emergency.
Anyway sorry to ramble, but wanted to know if anyone else is in the same boat out there and could make me feel better about my situation.
He doesn't want counseling, (I have no time nor support groups for me in area) and won't take antidepressants.
The other day he called me at school and had managed to get himself out of the chair onto the stool and was stuck there for 2 hours till I got there to help him up. This stressed his muscles what he has left of them so much his blood pressure shot up and started shaking violently. This lasted for an hour at least.
He does appreciate all that I do for him, and there is no question that I don't mind at all what I do to help BUT I also feel that he could alot more to help me to help him. That is what I'm probably upset about, the fact that this land means more to him than I do.
I'm not a psychologist but I do understand what he is going through, because it effects me also.
I just wanted so much to have at least one normal night out last night and to be social to celebrate, but instead of getting support I got my bubble busted, came home and fed livestock then drove into town for some take out food for supper.
You know if this wasn't me typing this out and was reading it from someone else, I'd probably say "oh be thankful that you have your husband still, and count your blessings".
Well I do and have but still I must have PMS
:chuckle so I just feel alittle better about writing this out. Maybe I'll just start a journal!
I'm not one to put out a personal story like this, but might be a hint that I'm grasping for some support.
