How to stop being a doormat before it happens.

damrcngrl95 · Sep 21, 2011

I'm trying to break that habit now too. In your daily life try to practice assertiveness. If someone asks you to do something and it is something that you either don't really want to do or don't have time for then tell them nicely no. Most people are fine with the no. If you run into a person that doesn't accept your boundaries then they are probably someone you don't want to deal with. Plus dealing with the negative response gives you a chance to learn how to assert yourself and will help your self-esteem. The biggest challenge that I have right now is to not feel guilty for saying no. It's not a big deal and I will need to get over it because the person that I said no to has gotten over it.

birdie22 · Sep 21, 2011

Its hard, but you really need to be proactive in your thoughts and learn to set limits. If you dont, you will get burned out all too quickly. For instance, say I'm in the break room for the 10minutes/shift I get to eat/pee/breathe and someone is calling out to have their pillow fluffed, etc. When I first started, I'd be like "sure, I'll be right there!" then slip my lunch in the microwave and get to eating about 5 hours later, or not at all. This was happening just about every day at work. No wonder at the end I was dragging my feet and wishing I could just sleep in an empty room instead of drive home.

Now, instead, I will usually slip in a line like, "i just need 10-15 minutes to take a break and eat something. Please ask the aide to see what the patient needs and I will be out to help them shortly". The hardest part, for me, is that you cant feel guilty for not being able to help everyone all the time.

When someone asks me to help them with a time consuming task and I'm super busy, I usually say something like 'i'm really sorry but I'm swamped myself. let me finish what I have to do, and if I have time, I'd be glad to help'.

Like anything, practice, practice, practice and you will get more comfortable with it. Also, you can't view it as if I help people, its good and if I don't, its bad. Because often time if you help people too much, it turns out being bad for you. There is a neutral ground. Just because you say 'no' doesnt make you a bad person.

RNperdiem, RN · Sep 21, 2011

I have been working on this issue for a while myself.

I have learned to say to myself "people get mad, then they get over it".

Parenthood taught me assertiveness skills I have used at work. I couldn't have survived as a mom without assertiveness skills.

The more you politely stand up for yourself and your patients, the more your confidence increases to do it again and again.

IaCountryGirl · Sep 21, 2011

In your normal everyday life, start by saying "No, I can not do that for you today". Don't give a reason as to why you can't........even if you plan on sitting down to watch a marathon of Bridezillas. Don't give people reasons as to why you can't because the pushy ones will find ways to get around you reasons and ultimately guilt trip you into doing whatever.

I wouldn't recommend not giving a reason why at work, such as going on break because they need to know that. But I say "I'm sorry but I'm taking my break now. So and So can probably help you with that."

And try to keep in mind that your patients take priority since you are responsible for them. While it's ok to help others out when needed, if you are busy with your patients then the other nurse will have to find someone else. And there's nothing wrong with that. A reasonable person would understand and not be mad at you.

llg, PhD, RN · Sep 21, 2011

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

You might find it too difficult to say "No" outright sometimes ... but maybe you can begin by just setting a few limits. For example, if someone asks you to help them and you are already terribly busy, instead of saying "sure" and doing it ... say, "Now is not a good time, but I can come back in half an hour and give you 5-10 minutes. Will that help?"

You don't have to become mean, unfriendly, and/or unhelpful ... just set a few limits.

As you get used to doing that, you will find yourself becoming more comfortable setting a few stronger limits ... and eventually saying "No" outright to a few things. Take it one step at a time.

NewTexasRN · Sep 21, 2011

I used to be exactly like that but nursing has changed that for me. Basically, my co-wokers and bosses were constantly taking advantage of me so I got really mad and basically learned that if I didn't stand up for myself, I would get used down to the ground. One of my bosses asked me to charge on a neuro floor with vented pts with less than a year of experience and my specialty is ortho. My co-workers constantly asked me to cover for them on day shift when I was clearly a night nurse and didn't understand the day time routine like being a charge nurse. One time my boss asked me to work a 12 hr shift after attending a 9 hour ACLS course. Then, after work at 7am, I was expected finish the ACLS course the next day 8am to 5pm. I told my boss well ahead of time that this is something I had to do! I had one doctor go into a pt's room while I was with the pt and started to tell the pt how terrible we nurses are and blah blah blah... Needless to say, I wrote him up! Yes, and all those times when they would put me in situations where I could harm my pts an loose my license, I kindly said, "No." I did it in a way that made them feel stupid for asking me to do those things in the first place. Sometimes, I would just quit. No arguments. I have experience, why stay and take the abuse?

Lastly, this one hospital called me up out of the blue for a job. First, they are offering me less money than my current employer and wanted to provide me with a small amount of money for travel and license reimbursement. I kindly told the lady from HR what my situation is right now and that I couldn't put myself through all the hassle for the position. I think it's a way of life, you grow, learn and live. People are constantly trying to take advantage of us. It's up to you to stand up for yourself. Who is going to look out for you? Family, friends, relatives and co-workers have tried it with me. I dare them to keep trying. As a long as I have love and respect for myself, they will fail at trying to treat me like a doormat. It has spilled over into my personal life. I have said "bye" to so many so called friends this year trying to take advantage of me. Just remember, you don't have to raise your voice and get angry to get your point across. Know your worth and always have a back up plan.

JenniferSews · Sep 22, 2011

SET LIMITS! Practice a response to common scenarios until it comes naturally. It might take a while but I have found nursing to bring out the assertiveness in everyone. Lol.

I will also say I have learned a lot from rehab nursing. Encouraging independence is my job, because for a lot of my patients it's either relearn how to walk and put your clothes on or move to an assisted living or LTC. I don't think that it should be any different for acute care. In theory those patients goal is to return home and they should be able to be self sufficient. That isn't being mean or a bad nurse, that is looking out for the patients best interest.

carolmaccas66, BSN, RN · Sep 22, 2011

If u let people walk all over you, that's what they will do. When ur new though, it's hard trying to be assertive.

And don't worry re hurting people's feelings - they will get over it, and have forgotten all about little old you by the end of their shift. And how is being assertive hurting people's feelings anyway?

If someone barks at you to do a non-urgent task & u have a patient load,? SAY to them: 'I have 6 patients who need (whatever), I will help u when I can or even (gasp) I'm too busy with my own patients, can u find someone else'. If patients are too demanding, start setting expectations: 'Mrs Smith, I can only spend 10 minutes in here at the mo as I have 6 other patients, but I will be back later to check on you'.

Remember, you have to get ur own work done as well.

It takes practice. Get some books to help you out as well.

nurseryRN14 · Sep 22, 2011

My friend used to tell me I was a doormat when I would constantly put people on the bedpan for the aides. The problem is, I'm not. I dont mind helping out when I can. I know exactly when to use my authority. People are going to try you and when they do, its up to you to let them know what is expected. I had to tell my supervisor a couple of months ago that she was wrong. I asked her for an abt for a patient. I had just gotten the order from the doc and called her for the abt. Let her know that I could either come get it or asked her if she could bring it. She chewed me out, saying she was doing her rounds and that she had just come from my floor, blah, blah. I told her that I didn't know she had been on the unit because I was working with my patients and that the abt was not for me, it was for the patient, what was the problem? I got so upset. I didnt care about getting written up. For what? Asking the supervisor for something I needed. The tech that knew her was saying, can;t we all just get along. Its people like that who sit on their asses all day, that make your job miserable. THis lady is a supevisor and knows nothing. Don't even know how to start an IV. Anyway I am well respected at work. By the way the supervisor attended my baby shower. We are cool now and its because I had to use my assertiveness. You have to demand respect, if you want it.

honeykrown, MSN, NP · Sep 22, 2011

As everyone has said start by saying no. Kindness also does it. Hmmm no i dont think that would be a good idea, you know what i'd like to help but im busy right now. Or policy does not allow us to do that or does not allow you (the pt) to do that. Believe me they would get the message nicely