How do you deal with passive aggression in nursing?

KelRN215, BSN, RN · Aug 4, 2012

I have a charge nurse that is not out and out mean to me. Instead, her meanness is subtle. In my face, she smiles. But then she is constantly doing things that later I realize were done to be mean like giving another employee a slew of gifts on her birthday. That went right over my head until I realized this employee that received the gifts was being mean to me all of the sudden and I hadn't gotten even a card for my birthday. We have a bulletin board where we can put up nice comments about people. She has put comments up about the people who suck up to her but I noticed there isn't anything about me. Hmmm. Another subtle attack? She is amazing at being able to put me down every single time I work and make me feel inadequate in very subtle ways. I could go on and on here. I mean these things by themselves mean nothing but when you put them together, they are downright demeaning and disrespectful. To go the management seems stupid because how can I pinpoint the problem? She would say it was all innocent. I know others have seen in though. Has anyone out there found a way to deal with this that works?

I'm confused. How on earth is giving another colleague (who this person may very well actually be friends with) gifts on her birthday being mean to you? Not everything is about you... these people may actually be friends outside of work. And, if they are, it would make sense that person #2 would be on person #1's side and would not go out of her way to be nice to you. How is she being "mean"?

Not going out of her way to say positive things about you is also not passive aggressive. I would not view that as an attack.

I see nothing about the examples that you give here (not giving you comments on the kudos board and not giving you a card on your birthday) that would make me think this person is being passive aggressive or subtly attacking you.

dhollin1 · Aug 4, 2012

This behavior actually has a term for it and it's called lateral violence. This is a huge problem in the nursing profession and it usually stems from one nurse being intimidated by the talents of another. You should take this a a compliment because for some reason she is jealous of you.

Kasandra · Aug 4, 2012

I acknowledge that passive aggressive personalities exist in nursing. In contrast, I pull people aside, communicate, and determine if a compromise can be made. People respect directness that is respectful in tone and approach.

eleectrosaurus · Aug 4, 2012

No really, read her threads.. make popcorn.

https://allnurses.com/search.php?searchid=6605251

wooh, BSN, RN · Aug 5, 2012

None of my coworkers have given me birthday gifts. For years, I thought this was simply because I'm not a child throwing a birthday party, but instead an adult going to work. I'm now thinking I should call an attorney and sue my employer for the hostile work environment that I'm forced to endure.

Don't be passive aggressive people, if you have ever hit like on another post and don't hit like on this post, then you are obviously a bully committing lateral violence.

You're in your 50s, and you're worried about birthday presents? You went over these people's heads, and yet you call THEM passive aggressive?

If there was a real problem, you wouldn't have so much trouble pinpointing it.

sourpickle93 · Aug 5, 2012

There's one of those types of nurses everywhere, so I wouldn't worry too much. People like her are a disgrace in the health field and shouldn't even be allowed jobs, in my personal opinion. I think it's obvious that she has issues and doesn't like you for god knows whatever reason. The BEST way to deal with this is to remain professional in your job with her, as you are currently, and try to not let her get to you in ANY way possible. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. A childish thing to do would be to make up things about her to make her upset or get even with her. Continue doing your job the best you can as a nurse and let her know non-verbally, that her snobby attitude isn't getting to you. Also be confident and happy, be polite and make people like you...I say be glad she's intimidated by you because there is something about you that she lacks or could learn from:)

I've seen MANY situations like you have told me and it's horrible. Nurses like that try to do little things that will get to you and it will gradually build up over time. Ignore those who say, "Oh it doesn't sound like she's out to get you" because she is from the sound of what you're saying. No one knows what you're going through except YOU. Maybe you can write sarcastic comments on the board about her She'll get the point, lol.

If she continues, I would definitely report her. She sounds downright pathetic. Nurses....NEVER BE LIKE THIS. Keep your personal issues at home, thank you very much! We don't need your garbage in the hospital settings.

And good luck to you!

kimcamRN · Aug 5, 2012

I understand what your talking about. I had a boss that was passive aggressive....eventually I chose to leave the job, but not just for that reason. It wasn't until I was at a new job with a healthy, supportive boss that I understood how I was being treated. I thought she was a horrible manager and wrote it up to her lack of ability. But after I gave my resignation, her sickness was evident. I played the game, stroked her ego, and made working out my notice as pleasant as possible. I feel for you. And I do think unless you have been targeted by someone like this, it is a difficult situation to explain or understand. The things that happen to you are so underhanded and subtle, you question your own sanity. I can say the experience has allowed me to appreciate having a skilled manager and a healthy work environment.

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Aug 5, 2012

I think that targeted is one thing, but birthday present giving and kudos is quite another. Nurses who yell at new employees on night one is distasteful, however, to say "I do not need to be yelled at" is probably the most direct way to deal with it, as opposed to some covert operation of "don't tell her I told you" stuff. I am not a fan of workplace violence. At all. But this is a couple of examples, although hurtful to this nurse as a person, really has not one thing to do with why she is there. To take care of patients. Now if nurse in question was nit picking at every little thing done and/or undone, correcting to nauseum, constantly writing ups, putting up some "wall of shame" that type of thing, then YES, I would say this would be a completely different story. I am not saying the OP is "crazy" but I am saying that to be hurt to this extent over personal stuff at work takes far too much energy, and screams of a self esteem issue/

OP as I said in my first reply--concentrate on your duties as a nurse, and your patients. This is not Junior High.

BrandonLPN, LPN · Aug 5, 2012

If you have time to worry about who's giving who birthday presents and who's getting all the postings on the "good job" board maybe you have too much time on your hands. Focus on your job.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 5, 2012

it sounds as if the original poster has some growing up to do. i didn't see any lateral violence, bullying or young eating in the fact that she hasn't had compliments posted on the bulletion board and didn't get something for her birthday. maybe she's just not well-liked by the folks giving out the kudos. not everyone is going to like everyone.

yes, i've dealt with passive aggression all of my life -- my family roils with it. but i didn't see anything in the original post except that the original poster needs to grow up. it's not all about her. and everyone isn't going to like her. grow up, do your job and make friends outside the workplace.

PlumeriaSun · Aug 5, 2012

It seems like your feelings are hurt. However I don't think you should let little things get to you, such as the gift thing, and the bulletin board thing..that seems a little childish. Maybe she doesn't know you're feelings are being hurt? Are you letting this affect your work performance?Just try your best at your job and keep your focus on your patients,

Kasandra · Aug 5, 2012

I have read over your posts. What I am about to say is to help you, not hurt you.

Quit thinking like a victim. You are in control of how you respond to your environment.

I agree with everyone else who said that you should not be concerned with receiving birthday presents or having your name put up on a bulletin board. When you are at work, you are there to care for the patients. If you make a friend, that is great. However, you are there to care for people, not socialize. Yes, people do socialize at the nurse's station. There are cliques. This is with any job. I also agree that I would by pretty annoyed to have to explain myself to a charge nurse about why I did not see "so and so" a birthday present or put a kudo up on a bulletin board about her. This took her away from running the floor or from patient care. Yes, that would be annoying. I would be willing to bet that you did not even pull this individual aside to tell her your concerns/thoughts. Instead, you went over her head to management. That is not going to win anyone over.

I believe in karma. My intent is not to being negative or mean. You became a nurse to help people, right? Well, quit worrying about the presents that you do not get or the recognition that you also fail to get. It is not about that. Your goal is to help make your patients better, to keep them safe. That, in itself, is your reward. The way I look at it, I want my patients to confirm that the care that I am giving them meets their standards. That is when you know that you are doing your job well.