help dealing with flirtatious pts

[student4ever]

Please, you guys who have much more experience in the clinical setting, help me figure out how to deal with patients who flirt or come on to me.

Now, I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm a super vain person, believing that all the patients I deal with are going to fall madly in love with me. I'm not. However, I am young and attractive, and am getting ready to start a new job where I will have more patient contact. I'm currently in registration, and I have had numerous male patients say rather inappropriate things to me (ie. I ask for phone # for registration purposes, and pt asks for mine in return, etc.) Fortunately, in registration, I get my info and go, so I can just smile, say haha, and leave the room. But next week I'm starting out as a clinical assistant (ED) and I know I'll be dealing with patients for a longer period of time. I love working with people, and I try to make their visit as pleasant as possible. I am very professional both in manner and dress, and I like to get on a personal level with pts so that they feel more comfortable. I like to make conversation while I'm working with my pts, but when someone says something, asks for my phone number, says maybe if they're allowed visitors on admission I can come visit them and make their stay more enjoyable (with a salacious wink), etc. I get so uncomfortable and blush and stammer, and don't know what to say.

Has anyone else experienced these kinds of advances from patients, and if so, what do you do? How do you gracefully dismiss a come on, when you know that in 20 minutes you're going to have to come in and assist the pt with a bedpan???

Please don't confuse this with me being attracted to my patients. I am NOT. I have a wonderful man at home (not married or engaged yet, still waiting on that), and am so happy with him I can't even look at another man in the flirtatious kind of way. But with my town being a college town, and me being approx the same age as a lot of the male pts who come to the ER for doing their stupid macho things that get them hurt, I'm concerned with how I'm going to deal with this. I can't lie and say, oh, I'm married, because I'm not. And the line, "I have a bf" doesn't work, because I've said it, and the come back was, "I don't see a wedding ring - not that that would matter anyways, you know you want me." How do I deal with this without coming across as having a stick up my butt and continue to have a good relationship with my patients??

I'm nervous enough about being able to handle this new job, I don't need this extra worry making me lose my cool and forget everything I learn about how to do my job to the best of my ability. When I get nervous, my hands shake, and seing as I'll be learning phlebotomy, I don't want to miss a vein or further hurt a pt simply because I'm thrown off by someone's inappropriate comments. I've accepted that such things happen in the ER - you can't refuse treatment because someone's been hitting on you, and I don't want to pass off every young guy to someone older that they won't hit on becasue then I look like I'm lazy.

HELP PLEASE!!!!!

[SmilingBluEyes]

Look them directly in the eyes and tell them, " I appreciate you may think you are complimenting me, but that comment is inappropriate and has nothing to do with your care. Please refrain from such comments; they interfere with my ability to care for you the best I can".

Set limits very clearly, firmly--- but non-defensively. Watch your body language. Stand straight up, looking them in the eye. No giggling nervously or laughing it off, or looking at the floor. Don't get angry, either. Any of these are perceived as a loss of your control by such people. Be firm but be professional.

If it persists, you do have recourse. You can elevate the problem to your charge nurse or house supervisor if it gets aggressive. You have the right NOT to be sexually-harassed by anyone, patients included. But most of the time, if you are firm and very clear, it will stop after you correct them.

[Aneroo, LPN]

I totally agree. I had a problem with this when we were in psych- creepy pervs who hit on all of the girls, whether they realized it was appropriate or not. I agree with setting boundaries, and letting them know that it's not ok when they say something like that. "I feel very uncomfortable when you talk to me like that" instead of "You make me feel uncomfortable when you talk like that" is a good start- takes the blame off of them a bit, less likely to make them mad.

I also totally agree with getting the charge nurse involved if necessary. It is considered sexual harassment, and if the pt persists after you asking him to stop, there can be trouble for him.

Also, as obvious as it seems, watch what you wear. I've seen girls in clinical groups wonderin why they were getting hit on.... They also had tight low cut pants and very tight low cut shirts. No duh!

-Andrea

[student4ever]

Thank you for your advice - I really appreciate it! There are a lot of times when patients tell me that I look really nice, or they like my top, or whatever, which I take as a compliment, and don't mind it because it is not directly sexual in nature and usually the patient is expressing to me an appreciation for my professional dress and demeanor. Should I be discouraging about that as well, since sometimes it seems to make the pt think that it's okay to keep going?? Do I need to keep from accepting compliments from all patients to keep at bay the ones that get out of hand, or do I just go with my gut as to whether a pt is likely to have ulterior motives?

[live4today, RN]

Janelle....your post just makes me smile. :) Your "college age" shines through it, and your innocense and sweetness, too. That's not a bad thing Janelle. I smile because what you are experiencing is "normal" behavior in your age group. It reminds me of a time many many moons ago when I felt as you feel now. It bothered me, too. I don't know that I found any answers that worked for me, except I quit a job because I could no longer handle the men's flirting -- and I was a married woman in my early twenties during that time. Ignoring men who flirted overboard, telling them I was married and happily so, and asking them to stop the flirting did NOT make them stop.

Now that I'm older, and learned about sexual harrassment through the years, I am not uptight about things like that anymore because I've matured, and know how to handle myself in situations like that. I feel empowered now and put them in their place when their flirting gets out of hand.

Perhaps you can sign up for an assertive training class at the local college? I took one when I went to nursing school (not part of the curriculum, just something I felt I needed since I was a lot like you seem to be). The course helped me a lot, too. Plus, all the experiences I've had over the years of my adult life have made me stronger and more bold. Many wonderful teaching tools come to you through experience and aging. :)

The last thing you want to do is let them know how nervous you are when they are flirting with you. Men can smell a "naive scared female" miles away.

When their flirting gets out of hand, simply say to them "Mr. X...I am here to help you get processed through the system so your care can begin, and I would appreciate it if you would meet me halfway by focusing on the task at hand. Thank you Mr. X for your cooperation."

If the man does not stop, then say to him "Mr. X, please excuse me a moment. I need to have my manager come in to speak with you about your behavior since my asking you to keep it professional isn't helping."

He'll either stop, or leave. :rotfl:

[RoxanRN]

If any of our patients become a problem for the female personel (inappropriate language/behavior), the guys are the unit will do most of the interaction/provide care with the patient (if possible). Haven't had a male patient try to flirt with one of the guys yet.

[ceecel.dee, MSN, RN]

Some of that is just nervous tension from guys, I think. Certainly do not tolerate anything lewd; it would require a direct comment about inappropriateness. That said, some guys (usually older) say things like "a pretty nurse can do that to ya" when told there heart is beating a bit fast or their BP is a bit high, and while in the strictest sense this is inappropriate too, I guess I usually just let it go. The first comment like this I typically do not respond to. The second may deserve a "look". The third would probably need to be commented on. It does not often go that far. I think that most of them see this as just being friendly. If you are made to feel uncomfortable by their comment, then the situation must be diffused; if not, perhaps ignoring the comment will be reaction enough. I have never felt really "hit on" by a patient (well, some of the high/drunk guys, but they are usually so outrageously obnoxious that everything they are doing is inappropriate, so they don't count), but then again, I don't expect that behavior from them either.

[SmilingBluEyes]

Yes, compliments are one thing. It's very ok to feel good about truly complimentary and friendly remarks. No would suggest you be on a warpath or anything like that.....you have a right to feel good when someone says something truly nice.

Sexual advances and harassment are quite another thing altogether. The remarks don't stop and often get lewd or persist after you have made it clear you are uncomfortable. Know the difference and just set those limits. You will be fine.

[student4ever]

Some of that is just nervous tension from guys, I think. Certainly do not tolerate anything lewd; it would require a direct comment about inappropriateness. That said, some guys (usually older) say things like "a pretty nurse can do that to ya" when told there heart is beating a bit fast or their BP is a bit high, and while in the strictest sense this is inappropriate too, I guess I usually just let it go. The first comment like this I typically do not respond to. The second may deserve a "look". The third would probably need to be commented on. It does not often go that far. I think that most of them see this as just being friendly. If you are made to feel uncomfortable by their comment, then the situation must be diffused; if not, perhaps ignoring the comment will be reaction enough. I have never felt really "hit on" by a patient (well, some of the high/drunk guys, but they are usually so outrageously obnoxious that everything they are doing is inappropriate, so they don't count), but then again, I don't expect that behavior from them either.

Thank you all so much for your helpful comments and reassurance. I guess as with everything, this issue is one where certain things can be dismissed (a pretty nurse will do that to ya) and others cannot. And I think the fact that I'm nervous anyway about starting a job where I could potentially hurt rather than help a patient is compounding my fears. At least since I already know most of the nurses pretty well from working in registration for two years, I'll have some more experienced people to get feedback from on specific situations, plus I have you guys here on this forum! I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so much experience and so many loving, caring friends not only at work but online.

I want so badly to make a difference in people's lives by facilitating their healthcare, and I want to make a scary visit to the ER as easy and pleasant as possible. I love working with people, and have had tons of experience working in customer service areas. I guess I'm so used to "the customer is always right" mentality from my other "careers" that I'm afraid to be assertive to my patients. I have no problem being assertive with other people though... just ask my boyfriend!!

I'll keep you all posted on how the new job is going, and the situations I encounter. Hopefully my fears are somewhat overblown! Thanks again to everyone who has been so encouraging and helpful with their advice. I welcome all advice, so if anyone else wants to share, please keep posting! I find that you all here on allnurses are like family - family who understand the joys and struggles of nursing, and as I continue through my education and the beginning of my nursing career, I am so thankful for the support of those who know firsthand what I'm experiencing!

Hope everyone is having a great day, and lots of fun at work, hehehe!

[Pvt. Parts]

Obviously they are crossing your comfort threshold, whereas other women may not have the same threshold you do.

I'm a college-aged guy so I'll throw in my 2 bits. Obviously a line needs to be drawn!

I'd just keep it short & simple -- "Thank you but I'm not interested." If they persist, repeat again that you're not interested & that you have a boyfriend. If they persist a 3rd time, tell them that they're crossing the line into sexual harassment and you'll get someone of authority if they continue.

Wearing a "prop" ring on your wedding finger will ward off 80% of men/boys on the first go-round. The waittresses I used to manage employed this tactic with great success. If there was a thick-headed customer, I had the waittress switch with a waiter.

In the end, I don't think people stop to think about how often boys are told while growing up that most women play "hard to get," so persistence is a natural byproduct of that socializing.

If it was me I would have responded to the phone number one with: "Sure, it's xxx-xxxx (wrong number obviously), do you really want to speak to my boyfriend/husband right now?!" I love creative comebacks. :chuckle

[student4ever]

If it was me I would have responded to the phone number one with: "Sure, it's xxx-xxxx (wrong number obviously), do you really want to speak to my boyfriend/husband right now?!" I love creative comebacks. :chuckle

LOL, that's GREAT!!! I wish I had thought of that one! THanks for the advice... great to have a male perspective!

[Roy Fokker, BSN, RN]

ALL nurses or Doctors or assistants or aides - young AND old - are automatically "Ma'm" or "Sir". That's how I go by...

So are the patients I meet. :)

I gotta keep these posts in mind though. Whew! You learn a lot on these here boards