Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Nurses General Nursing

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the other "things you'd like to tell" threads have been so great -- how about one more?

to the daughter of today's patient: i understand back pain, believe me. i've had the surgery and was off work for six months. don't tell me you're having such severe back pain that you need to sit in my chair -- the one that reaches all the way up to the computer keyboard -- instead of the visitor's chair (which i hunted high and low to find for you since we only have two on the whole 16 bed unit) when you're walking around in 5 inch stilettos. if your back pain were really that bad, you'd be wearing danskos like me. (or any type of shoe that doesn't involve a 5 inch -- or even 3 or 4 inch heel!) sit in the visitor's chair and be grateful that i found it for you. i'm sure your feet do hurt. again, try some more sensible shoes.

yes, your daughter does have dark skin on her forehead. it's the same color as the skin on the rest of her body. i assumed that was because she was african american, but you tell me she wasn't that color before her heart surgery? i'm baffled. no, i don't know what we can do about it, but i'm sure we didn't cause it. if you want to bring in cocoa butter to rub on her forehead, that's fine with me. you can put anything on her forehead you like, but i guarantee you she'll still be an african american when we discharge her. (oh, that's a picture of your daughter on the wall? she has bangs, but otherwise she looks the same color in the picture as she does right now. if i were you, i'd be more worried about the ventilator and the left ventricular assist device.)

anyone else?

Please do not control the call light and/or PCA for the patient. I understand you can't hear the TV when mom has the call bell, or you don't want her to get addicted to pain meds, but hold if you hold the call light, she can't let us know that you are falsely imprisoning her and making her suffer in pain! SHE is the patient, not you, and I don't care what you've read on some message board or what uncle Jim-Bob's third cousin's wife's best friend told you, your 70 year old mom is NOT going to become a drug addict from a few days of post- op pain meds. Get over it.

Specializes in ER, PACU, Med-Surg, Hospice, LTC.

Well, I'd like to ask them:

Do any of you actually work?

Mobs of you are here every day, all day long and then you even have the nerve to fight and argue with me when visiting hours are over.

I'd like to tell them:

R-E-L-A-X.....Your loved one is only here for a couple of days and then will be home. Buzz off! You can visit and dote on him/her 24/7 at home.

how nice of you to come and visit your 90 year old mother, just because the hospital room has cable and you don't. and thank you for that request for towels and linens and extra pillows, i thought you wanted to clean your mother up, sorry my mistake, you wanted them for yourselves while you took a shower with your boyfriend in mom's bathroom, then decided to snuggle up together while you watched the cable tv.

yes, the nurse knows you'd like to see her before you go to work (at 7:05 am) it's change of shift and she can't take your request that your mother be given a diet pepsi instead of diet coke at lunch time right now, they'll be done by 7:30, feel free to take a seat and quit whining. (apparently, as a student nurse i'm not qualified to take drink orders).

Specializes in LTC, Cardiac Step-Down.

"Please, for the love of all that is holy, go home and take a BATH!"

"It makes me want to vomit when I see your barefoot kids running around on this nasty carpet."

"About those barefoot kids, could you possibly take them somewhere else so they don't almost trip the staff who are trying to work?"

"Newborns just don't belong in a hospital visiting grandma with MRSA. I really want to report you for endangerment."

"No, you may not bring 30 of your closest family members and decimate our patient snack supplies. Go home."

Just because I'm British it doesn't automatically follow that I am a huge fan of the Beatles, and NO I never saw them play live - I'm not that old... and I do NOT appreciate having to listen to horrendous renditions of the Beatles' repertoire whilst trying chart (thereby avoid overtime and the wrath of the managers). Please either take singing lessons or shut the f*** up! My apologies, but this scenario has been played out more than once... and NO I have never met the Queen... :yawn:

Specializes in Case Mgmt, Anesthesia, ICU, ER, Dialysis.

"What part of "your loved one was in a horrific crash and we're fighting to keep them alive, so NO, you can't come in at this particular moment! We will let you back as soon as we can, but for right now, we don't need anybody DFO'ing on us (done fell out) 'cause you just can't handle it. You gave him the heroin and reefer that got him in this situation, you can wait outside until we get the ICP bolt inserted."

"Well, dumba**, if you had not untied your intubated, DT'ing father's hands and got in his face and shouted at him like he was deaf, not drunk, he might not have extubated himself. As is, we're trying to get him RE-intubated, so unless you want this tube where the sun doesn't shine, MOVE IT!"

"And who's brilliant idea was it to bring the 6-month pregnant woman in with premature labor and serious eclampsia downstairs to her MRSA-positive mother's ICU bed so she could be present while her Momma was dying...without the knowledge or consent of any RN on either unit??"

"Honey, nobody forced those drugs in you nor that alcohol down your throat. I'm sorry you hurt, but I have given you everything in my orificenal, to the point that most people would have ceased breathing. Why don't you concentrate on calling your attorney, seeing as how this is your SIXTH arrest for DUI??"

***All true stories, not meant to sound uncaring or uncouth, but the idiocy that we see by people who have no regard for the consequences of their own decisions is just astounding.***

Specializes in IMCU.
Just because I'm British it doesn't automatically follow that I am a huge fan of the Beatles, and NO I never saw them play live - I'm not that old... and I do NOT appreciate having to listen to horrendous renditions of the Beatles' repertoire whilst trying chart (thereby avoid overtime and the wrath of the managers). Please either take singing lessons or shut the f*** up! My apologies, but this scenario has been played out more than once... and NO I have never met the Queen... :yawn:

I bet you hear about Benny Hill too!

Specializes in ICU, Telemetry.

Dude...you're in the hospital, with MRSA in your packed belly wound. The fact that your girlfriend is IN BED WITH YOU NAKED is not only a huge infection hazard, it's really creeping me out. I can practically see the germs crawling off her and onto you and visa versa. And, no I can't take your telemetry off while you have sex. Have you heard of evisceration? Sex can wait another few days. Better yet, DO IT AT HOME.

What I said was, "no, I can't do that, as I have no medical order to remove your telemetry."

To the drama queen screaming at me to stop hurting her mom when I put the abdominal binder back on: Look, you jobless idiot, the reason your mom's had to have adhesions removed 3x is because each time, she didn't wear her binder. Screaming that you're going to throw that "torture" away when you get home is a sure way to put her right back here in another 2 months. And aren't we all looking forward to that. And, no, I'm not bringing you linens for you to take a bath. You keep threatening to sue everyone in sight, I'm not giving you the opportunity to slip in the shower, sorry.

What I'd really, REALLY like to say: Visiting hours are over. Please leave the building, we release the attack dogs in 3 minutes.

Specializes in NICU.

"No, we can't do a brain transplant on your child. I'm curious though, who did you have in mind?"

Specializes in LTC.

Your girlfriends dad just died so can you please stop flirting with me in the hall and go in the room and comfort your girlfriend !

Specializes in neurology, cardiology, ED.

"I'm sorry you think that we are killing your father, but I really think he's doing a pretty good job of that himself, based on his end stage cirrhosis... and based on the smell of your breath, you're not too far behind him yourself, are you?"

Please do not untie your restrained mentally altered husband, fail to tell anyone, fall asleep, then threaten to sue us when he gets out of bed, falls, and injures himself.

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