The world can seem very dark at 3 a.m.

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.

I'm sitting here at 3 a.m., and I cannot sleep. I spoke with my 74 year old father tonight. The news isn't good. He desperately needs to have hip replacement surgery, as he's in so much pain. He has it scheduled for next month, but there is where the problems begin. You see, my father is the primary caregiver for my mother who has moderate to severe Alzheimer's disease. Although they have a woman that is living with them, providing respite care and helping with meal preparation, she is not able (and, understandably willing) to be the 24-hour caregiver for 2-3 weeks while my dad recovers in a rehab facility. So, I sit here asking myself, now what do we do? Do I pull my youngest child out of school for a few weeks while I go across the state to care for mother? Will my employer understand my needing to take off from work for that time period? Am I going to lose my job? Although I'm the youngest child, and my 2 brothers live within walking-distance of my parents, why does this responsiblity always seem to fall on me? It just drives me crazy that I'm the only one with the patience to be with my demented mother--everyone else seems to run the other way when it comes to her care. Believe me, it's not easy taking care of your mother like this. It's not easy having to be the one to bathe her, dress her, take her to the toilet. It tears me up inside to see her like this, but I'm her daughter. What else CAN I do but to care for her? It's so very dark outside right now....I'm praying that the light comes soon.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Oh honey, what a spot to be in. :hug:

Is there a possibility of short term placement in a LTC or Alheimer's unit? For respite care? Try the state omsbudsmen for referrals.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.
Oh honey, what a spot to be in. :hug:

Is there a possibility of short term placement in a LTC or Alheimer's unit? For respite care? Try the state omsbudsmen for referrals.

My mother is still "with it" enough that she would (we are all positive of this) "freak out" if she had to leave home. My father's fear is that she would have such a mental crisis in this situation, that she would severely and quickly deteriorate--and probably never return home. My dad told her about the surgery yesterday, and last night, she was in a panic state over him being gone for an extended period of time. She kept my poor dad up the whole night--not what a 74 year old man with a bad hip and heart problems needs, you know? I urged my dad to get an appointment with her physician asap to be put on an anxiolytic and/or sleeping pill (not Ambien, though--I've seen how much fun that one is with the elderly.)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Ah, I see. Any possiblity of home health aides for short term? Supervised by your lady you already have?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.
Ah, I see. Any possiblity of home health aides for short term? Supervised by your lady you already have?

That's my hope...Dad's having a social worker come next week to see what his options are. I suggested this to him, too, and I hope that this is a possibility. The whole other last-ditch option of my coming to stay would be very hard on me, my employer and my kids and husband.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Acute Care Psych, DNP Student.

I'm sorry your family is facing this & hope a good solution is found.

As a side note - isn't it interesting that it's almost always the daughter who sacrifices in these situations?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.

As a side note - isn't it interesting that it's almost always the daughter who sacrifices in these situations?

Yes, and it's very maddening. I also have an older sister that lives across the country (and her kids are out of the house), but this type of thing usually falls on me, as I'm closer and have the medical background.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Family conference time: We need these days covered. Set up a schedule of 3-4 day segments, state which one is yours, assign them to each sibling. If the sib can't go, they have to hire someone.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in home health, dialysis, others.

GET YOUR BROTHERS INVOLVED IMMEDIATELY. As in "mom will need assistance while dad has his surgery. You (pick one) will be there when the social worker comes to discuss the alternatives" "If mom stays at home with the help of Home Health aides or live-in caregiver, then you (the other one) will be responsible for all the grocery shopping (some cities have delivery services) and the house-cleaning" The first one will oversee the direct care.

DO NOT ASK FOR HELP. TELL THEM WHAT YOU EXPECT AND WHEN YOU EXPECT IT.

Despite your best efforts, your mom may need to go for short-term care. If possible, a few days-week prior to the surgery, so Dad can visit with her a few times. She may need to be there 6 weeks, depending on HIS recovery. Do not sugar-coat any of this to your dad or your brothers.

And I repeat - DO NOT ASK THEM, TELL THEM. No whining on anyone's part.

Some men just need to be told what to do, because they just don't get it on their own. The ones that get it are usually nurses.....!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Men never came across to me as nurturers. This may be why your bros have not come to the rescue. I'd say if mom took care of you when you were young, then you won't have any other choice than to care for her or look for a living facility. I think your father is too old anyway to care for her.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Acute Care Cardiac, Education, Prof Practice.

I would think this would be a fairly common situation. I am sure your social worker will have some options for you :)

I know our post op hips go home one to two days after surgery. Is it possible that 2-3 weeks at a rehab is overestimation? Perhaps he could have home PT and be able to oversee home care for your grandmother while recovering?

Best of luck!

Tait

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Family conference time: We need these days covered. Set up a schedule of 3-4 day segments, state which one is yours, assign them to each sibling. If the sib can't go, they have to hire someone.

yup. and daughters-in-law have been known to "get stuck" as well......even if the "boys" are only there as companions and lift help, it will be better than nothing....maybe literally moving mom into one of their homes for the short term would work?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment