The world can seem very dark at 3 a.m.

Nurses General Nursing

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I'm sitting here at 3 a.m., and I cannot sleep. I spoke with my 74 year old father tonight. The news isn't good. He desperately needs to have hip replacement surgery, as he's in so much pain. He has it scheduled for next month, but there is where the problems begin. You see, my father is the primary caregiver for my mother who has moderate to severe Alzheimer's disease. Although they have a woman that is living with them, providing respite care and helping with meal preparation, she is not able (and, understandably willing) to be the 24-hour caregiver for 2-3 weeks while my dad recovers in a rehab facility. So, I sit here asking myself, now what do we do? Do I pull my youngest child out of school for a few weeks while I go across the state to care for mother? Will my employer understand my needing to take off from work for that time period? Am I going to lose my job? Although I'm the youngest child, and my 2 brothers live within walking-distance of my parents, why does this responsiblity always seem to fall on me? It just drives me crazy that I'm the only one with the patience to be with my demented mother--everyone else seems to run the other way when it comes to her care. Believe me, it's not easy taking care of your mother like this. It's not easy having to be the one to bathe her, dress her, take her to the toilet. It tears me up inside to see her like this, but I'm her daughter. What else CAN I do but to care for her? It's so very dark outside right now....I'm praying that the light comes soon.

Can he reschedule for early summer? That way you won't have to pull your youngest out of school. Also, that will give your job plenty of notice that you will be taking off.

There's no reason your brothers can't chip in, but if they won't, they won't. My granny was taken care of by her three daughters, but when it came time for the son to take her in, he tried to stick her in a nursing home. Meanwhile his wife's mom lived with them for several years. You can imagine how this went over with my mom and aunts.

However, if you are missing work, you should be financially compensated, either through the estate, or your siblings. And if you decide you just can't do it, don't feel guilty. Your own family comes first, and I bet your mom woudn't want you to jepordize your family or job.

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Specializes in NICU.

You should also talk to your employer about whether you are eligible for family medical leave. I don't have any personal experience with it, but this website can hopefully provide more information:

http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/index.htm

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Specializes in L&D; GI; Fam Med; Home H; Case mgmt.
GET YOUR BROTHERS INVOLVED IMMEDIATELY. As in "mom will need assistance while dad has his surgery. You (pick one) will be there when the social worker comes to discuss the alternatives" "If mom stays at home with the help of Home Health aides or live-in caregiver, then you (the other one) will be responsible for all the grocery shopping (some cities have delivery services) and the house-cleaning" The first one will oversee the direct care.

DO NOT ASK FOR HELP. TELL THEM WHAT YOU EXPECT AND WHEN YOU EXPECT IT.

Despite your best efforts, your mom may need to go for short-term care. If possible, a few days-week prior to the surgery, so Dad can visit with her a few times. She may need to be there 6 weeks, depending on HIS recovery. Do not sugar-coat any of this to your dad or your brothers.

And I repeat - DO NOT ASK THEM, TELL THEM. No whining on anyone's part.

Some men just need to be told what to do, because they just don't get it on their own. The ones that get it are usually nurses.....!

YES. WHAT SHE SAID. And I would definitely fully explore the home health aide route - medicare provides coverage for in-home aides who can give personal care AND homemaking services. I think that could work out brilliantly in this situation.

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You are not alone dear. My situation with my mom who in last states of same disease is reaching the point where some changes have to be made. The anxiety about the future is the worst part. God bless and best wishes to you and your family.

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when my mil was terminally ill and was spiraling downward, my husband and i both took off time to care for her.

(i do understand that isn't realistic for many).

re dtr-in-laws, i know my mil didn't care for a couple of hers, and wouldn't suggest them caring for yourmom if they don't already have a strong, nurturing relationship.

while many family members chipped in to stay with mom, i have to admit (except for my husband) it was mostly the dtrs who came.

i think many men lack confidence in doing this personal stuff with their moms.

we also hired a lady who worked as a hha.

she stayed there overnight x 2 wks.

all siblings chipped in (9 siblings) to pay.

i really feel for your situation, jess.

maybe it's time to consider mom and dad going to assisted living at some point??:hug:

leslie

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Specializes in LTC.

I work in an alzheimers facility. We have respite care avail. residents may stay for a few weeks while their families go on vacation or take care of other things. Is this an option??

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Specializes in CVSICU, Cardiac Cath Lab.

You've gotten some really good advice. I just wanted to add that I understand how much it sucks to have sibs up and dump everything on you.

I really am sorry for your situation. I hope you can get the support you need from your brothers and that your dad can do what he needs for himself.

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FMLA is definitely available to you for this situation. From the website:

http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/index.htm

FMLA Overview

Covered employers must grant an eligible employee up to a total of 12 work weeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for one or more of the following reasons:

for the birth and care of the newborn child of the employee;

for placement with the employee of a son or daughter for adoption or foster care;

to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or

to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition

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Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. I never posted any responses yesterday, as I was just too sad to face the computer. Unfortunately, I can't use the FMLA, as I've worked there for 9 months, and it needs to be over a year.

As of having my brothers or their wives help, that won't be happening. You see, my father raised us all in a very patriarchal-type family. Think 1960's before any social revolutions. There is is no way in h*** that I can tell my brothers what to do, as they are 50+ year old men that aren't going to listen to what their youngest sister has to say. And as for the sister-in-laws, well my mother burned those bridges way before she got sick, as she was never kind to them, and they could never stand her. Although she has Alzheimer's, she still isn't a "nice" person--the disease has just brought out the cranky, critical side of her even more, sans-filter.

I know a few of you have suggested that my dad is too old to be the caregiver, and that perhaps they both need to be in assisted-living. Well, my dad is not your typical 74 year old man. He still works full-time, owns his own business, and runs circles (or at least he would if it wasn't for his hip ;)) around men much younger than him. So, I know that as soon as he is recovered enough, he wants to be back home, doing his own thing.

I'm hoping that the social worker can suggest some sort of respite in-home care for my dad, as I think that would work best for our family. If not, I think my dad may have to place mom in a nursing home, despite the fact that she will probably never return home. That's just a hard thing to face, when you're only in your late 30's (yes, I'm the much younger baby of the family.)

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