Patients say the darndest things...

[audreysmagic, RN]

I know we've had threads like this before, but they always made me laugh and I enjoyed them thoroughly. (Staff, feel free to consolidate with another thread if needed.)

We've all had patients who have amused us - intentionally or not. And while some fields of nursing (peds, for example) have a higher concentration, every unit seems to get its own aspiring comedian from time to time...

So, entertain me while I compile infection control reports.

My most recent favorite from one of our adolescent boys today, as they walked through an administrative hallway of our hospital... "Man, it smells like paperwork and reports down here."

[kakamegamama]

"I put an ice pack on my episiogisty" (from a postpartum mom).

[elijahvegas, ASN, RN, EMT-P]

"My son says his throats been hurtinf him for a few days"

"Okay we'll take a look"

*does a throat swab*

"Whats that for?"

"Well were going to do a quick strep throat test"

"Oh he cant catch strep throat "

"...why not..?"

"Because he had his tonsils removed years ago"

To which i replied "did they remove his throat too?"

[missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN]

"Hey! HEEEEEEEEEEY! Watch those, they are my prized jewels"--Old man while wiping up a BM.

[Davey Do]

From another thread:

one lady stated, during an intervention for hygienic measures due bladder and bowel incontinence, "You're just tryin' to get into my Depends"!

[sevensonnets]

I may have posted this before although hopefully only once! I was admitting a lady who had a very long list of ailments and multiple surgeries. She said she recently had her 'prostrate' removed. I said No, women don't have a prostate and she said, Wait a minute, this is the wrong list. I think that was my husband!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I was doing a tube feeding for a patient one evening and knocked over a couple of cans of Jevity, which woke up the roommate, "Elaine". She called to me from behind the curtain: "Are you the cat?" Before I could catch myself, I answered "Yes, Elaine. Meow!" To which she responded "Oh, OK, I'll just go back to sleep now."

[Thanksforthedonuts, BSN, RN]

I have quite a round and obvious backside. When I was 7 months pregnant a pleasantly confused old lady commented "I don't know if

your pregnant from your belly or your butt!" and continued to laugh for 5 minutes.

I looked in the mirror after and noticed the lady was right... both were similar in size and shape.

[BeckyESRN]

I think I've shared this before -from my hospital days- an 87 y/o man with severe edema from toes to waist, his equipment was so edematous that it didn't fit in the urinal "too bad it wasn't this big when I was still using it"

As a school nurse, I hear goofy stuff all. the. time.

"Is this ice organic?"(it was in an ice pack, 1st grader)

"My mom says that I'm allergic to GMO" kindergartener

"I fell off the bus and scraped my...my...my...Darn it! My leg elbow!" 4th grader