It is sad to see how my impressions of reality have changed so very much in the last two years. While in many ways I feel as though I have grown stronger, in many ways I feel quite degraded. It was just a short time ago that I honestly thought I was entering this great profession and that I was going to help save the world. Reality shock can't even describe these sentiments that have seem to overcome my being. I have never before felt like such a second class citizen. I have never before felt like my knowledge, skills, and persona are devalued. I am not the type of person that needs to be in the spotlight, that needs continuous recognition. However, at the same time I cannot remain a martyr. I cannot even count the number of times that physicians, ancillary staff, patients, family members, and fellow coworkers have taken out their situation on me. I don't want to be a frustrated worker meandering around and just dealing with it. At the same time, I feel that nurses in many ways truly are voiceless. While we truly are the eyes and ears of the facility, our voices have been muted. We are just a "number" regardless of our background, our strengths, and our weaknesses. If you are new to a facility, you are a hindrance and if you stay too long, you are mediocre. The middle ground gets pretty slippery as you are handed more responsibilities and duties and told phrases such as "flex up". Meanwhile, your patient in bed A is screaming in pain, there is a physician shouting from bed B for this supply, and there are four patients in the ER that are awaiting a bed and while come to you aggravated because of the wait. Your fellow coworker is a few days out of nursing school and so you are keeping an eye out for their actions and the nurse who you replaced from the previous shift was negligent in her duties and so you are trying to play catch-up. You are talked down to by newly made doctors. When you suggest something, it is dismissed as being incorrect regardless of it's validity. Rather than being able to care for your patients, you spend the day documenting your actions, trying to find supplies your patients needs, dealing with equipment that is truly embarrassing you are still using, and pleading with a doctor to just listen to your rationale.
Why do we remain? I have been trying to find answers and they are truly slim.
