Well, this is it---I resigned this morning, and even though it won't be effective until January 3rd, I've worked my last shift in Med/Surg. I went in for a CT scan (kidney stones again) and started getting palpitations just stepping off the elevator onto my old unit to deliver Christmas cards and gifts......that's when I knew for certain that I wasn't going back there to work, not tomorrow, not next week, not EVER.
Lord, I hate to admit this, but I've finally run across something I can't just get past by willing it and toughing it out. I can't do it. I can't........ for the past week, every time I even thought
about going back to that floor, to that kind of pressure and stress, my innards would tie themselves in knots and I'd have to dash for the bathroom. My BP, even at home, and even on multiple meds, is upwards of 180/90; I've been having nightmares and waking up in cold sweats; and half the time I'm unsure of whether I'm going to cry or throw up!!
Life is way too short to be this upset and miserable, though, and with the intensive therapy I've been getting recently has come the realization that NO job is worth this. I just walked away from a position that would have paid me $30 an hour come this March, and without securing a new job first........which is downright terrifying, but even an uncertain future isn't as fearsome as going on the way I was. I'm not even that worried about finding another job---I'm leaving with excellent references and my good name intact, and I might not have if I'd continued to drag my poor body through endless days of back-breaking physical and mental labor, working harder and harder just to try to keep up, knowing I couldn't, and always being afraid of missing something or making a mistake that could harm a patient.
So what I will do next, I don't know........I feel as though I'm stepping off the edge of a cliff with no net to catch me and no cushion to soften my landing. But almost anything shy of winding up living under a bridge will be better than living with this constant fear.......already the relief is palpable, and even my boss said today was the first time she's seen a genuine smile on my face in months. (One of the bonuses---besides peace of mind---is that she and I, now that we are no longer in fact boss and employee, can be FRIENDS. We bonded immediately when we first met two years ago, and we've always wanted
to be friends.......in fact, the very last thing she said to me as I was leaving was "I love you" and that she hoped to get together with me soon, just to chat, because she likes me so much as a person.)
In the meantime, I'm going to give myself the gift of enjoying the holidays---my little girl, my soldier, is home for Christmas!!---and resting my body and mind so I can job-seek with renewed vigor and prepare for the next adventure in this profession we call nursing.