husband busts my bubble - page 2

I just finished my 1st quarter of the most intense school work I've ever enountered for my LPN program. I'm the oldest student in my class, so needless to say I really had to struggle through all my... Read More

  1. by   BadBird
    {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry that your husband is refusing to get the help he needs. I am assuming he makes you feel guilty for wanting some stress relief that you desperately need. You are in a tough situation, you sound like a loving and loyal wife. You should not feel guilty for wanting an occasional night out. I don't have any advise other than to wish you luck with your situation, feel free to vent anytime.
  2. by   CCL"Babe"
    So many good suggestions, replies I can't think of anything new to add.

    Please remember to take care of you!
  3. by   renerian
    Gosh I feel bad for you especially since you worked so hard. I know in Ohio you can hire Medicaid independent practioners to provide personnal care, they don't need a nurse. Do you have anything like that in your state? Can he get on a waiver program to provide services?

  4. by   ktwlpn
    Bless your heart,honey...He may indeed be jealous but I'll bet he is scared,too....Scared that you'll get out from under it all so he is trying to hold onto whatever control he has left. I watched my mom take care of my dad for 6 yrs and saw how that effected their relationship-I can pass along some advice-you do HAVE to set limits.Your own family are often the most difficult patients you'll ever care for.You'll make yourself sick trying to do it all without some time for some release.Find out what kind of services he'll qualify for-OT,PT-maybe some lifting equipment to help you out.If he won't go to counseling you should -even if it's just a few visits-it will really help you so much.If he can get some home care the nurses will be of great help to you both also-even if you have to pay for a few visits.It sounds as though you are not without financial resources-he can't take care of the ranch but he can't force you to continue to do so.....I re-read your post and see he called you home from school because he got stuck after he got out of his w/c-he is clearly manipulating you every way he can-...I think you need to get him into counseling asap-you are really the one with control here-you insist on it....Counseling will help you learn how to deal with him....You can work through this together and with help get your husband back...Good Luck-this is a great place to come for advice or just to vent.....
  5. by   Rhoresmith
    You were given such great advice from all of the people above and don't feel bad posting this you have a right to vent and what better place to do than here. When I worked as a hospice aide what I saw the most of was the caretaker not taking care of themselves, I would always ask them who is going to take care of him if you get sick..... I know your husband isn't a hospice case but I think the same think applies here...... So think about it. Remember we are here for you

  6. by   LaVorneRN
    Oh where to start.....God bless you and your husband. I think I understand a little bit of the man thing. While my husband was happy for me (after our car wreck left us both in wheelchairs for months) when I took my first steps, there where times he said some hurtful things like he wished the tables were turned. He was also a recovering head injury. Even though I knew it was just the fear of losing his military career and not being able to walk again among many other issues, it still hurt. Every accomplishment I made was criticized until at one point I actually pretended not to be progressing-slowed my pace of progression so to speak-so he would feel better about himself. That didn't last very long. But my point is that I understand that your husband may be afraid, in denial, and jealous all at the same time and yet he loves you.
    Next, since I am someone reading what you have written, I don't feel like you should be grateful and whatever else you said because the first thing I thought was "God help her!" I wish there was something I could do. Your load is too heavy and as others have said, you need help. I can't add to what they have said but you are in my prayers. I'll pray for your husband's heart to soften and his eyes to see reality of the situation. I pray for him to support you and lift you up as well as encourage you and see you are a team. I'll pray for you both to always have strength, peace, guidance, and see light, not at the end, but throughout your journey through this tunnel of trials. And I'll pray for your weight to be lifted so you both can fly. Much love and blessings from my heart-LaVorne
  7. by   yougohelen
    I'm sending you a hug! Hang in there sweetie! You have a right
    to vent and to feel a little sad. You deserve it! But, don't let it cause you to forget what you are reaching for. I hope your husband can get some counceling.You both need a little rescuing.
    And does he have a friend that could take him for a drive? Or
    spend some time with him? That might help him a little. I know
    God sees what you and your husband are going thru. He will be
    your best guide thru this trying time. May He bless and lead you.
    Many prayers will hopefully be said for you and your husband.
    You will be in mine. BIIIGGGG HUUUUGGGG! Helen
  8. by   thatldo
    The way all of you responded was indeed an answer to a prayer!
    And you all didn't even know it! ha
    I've only used this BB mostly for my education, but I was at such odds & just reached out to for an ear & some sympathy and boy did I get it back!

    I just felt like all the haggling that was going on on this BB seemed so petty to me (what with the problems that people can have), BUT what might seem petty to one is very serious to another, so I apologize!

    I have printed off your responses & will keep them in my night stand so that when I'm feeling down I'll read these again. You all have given me support which is what I need..

    Some good news, took him to the doctor today, (his PCP) and he's going to request a PT to come to the house to do "passive ROM" for him so that he will qualify for home health aids to assist in his baths....phew. Thank God

    And people, I'm not a saint, yes I love the man to death, like the vows say, but I swear if I hear the wheelchair "click" one more time I'm going to crack!!!!!
    Now if you'll bear with me, I'll respond to each of you. (heh what can I say, the ol training of my mom making me write thank you cards dies hard..ha)

    Panda, yes you could do what I do, its called dedication combined with love. Thanks for replying!

    Cpgrn, thanks for your advise, yes school is hard, and they did warn us about the divorce rate, but I have faith we can work it out!

    sixes, I'm definately going to take time for myself, next time I'm just saying I'm going, of course that'll be after doing my "chores" ha.

    shamrock, see above, prayer answered hopefully in the case of home health aide! Thank you for your kindness!

    zudy, your're on the mark about burnout. You know I didn't even realize the word "caretaker" applied to me until I started school. NO ONE in the frequent hospital stays that my husband was in ever mentioned the word or what kind of assistance there was for me. But of course I'm being taught how you are supposed to offer this advice! ironic...As far as the 3rd party person, my husband refused that, said it wasn't anyones business. hmmm
    I decided to go behind his back though and brought a good friend of his into the picture, & it didn't turn out well. Thank you for responding, I appreciate it!

    ceecel.dee, yes I miss going out to dinner, church, socializing, parties, horseback riding, having someone else drive, traveling (although I did take him a couple of times to visit family but what a nightmare, that was real hard on me) Thank you for your concern and I'll remember it!

    jnette, I'll work on my needs as well, which is what I'm doing right now isn't it??? therapy on the net?? ha Thank you!

    MishiB thank you for caring!!!

    3rd shift guy, theres a joke about a girl who can do a full day of a mans work, but the punch line won't make it through this BB. What will I do when I'm working full time? Same thing I did before, work 8 hours plus drive 1 hour, do the chores, feel like I'm blessed then get down feel sorry for myself & hopefully people like you all bring me back up! Course don't know what shift I'll be on. But waking my husband up next tues. at 4am for my 1st day at clinicals might open his eyes, you think? Thanks for replying and your concern!!

    Badbird, your'e right I shouldn't have to feel guilty, I'll work on it!

    Thanks ccl!

    Renerian, as you can see I'll be getting help...thanks!

    ktwlpn, I asked my husband why he didn't call the sheriff to come help him off the pot, and he said they would call social services and they would put in a home, (?) so yes he is scared..tell me more about your parents please! pm me...thank you!

    rhoresmith, you are correct, I smoke way tooo much, and stopped working out, & do tend to put his needs before mine. At least I can recognize it. Thanks for your support!

    LaVorne, what can I say in answer to your reply, but it really touches me when a stranger says they will pray for me. I believe with my whole heart the power of prayer, so it really touches me your sincerity about my situatuion. Thank you sweet lady!

    phew the end!
    thanks to all you wonderful people! and I guess now I have to eat my words when I said "I'm not emotionally attatched to my computer"....
    Last edit by thatldo on Apr 18, '03
  9. by   thatldo
    oh my gosh, are you in Ok? me too! Also the mother of 3 and love my savior also!
    Thank you for replying! pm me if you'd like!
  10. by   duckie
    There may be many that do not reply but I would bet with all the great folks on this BB, you and your husband wil be placed an many prayer lists. I wish you success in getting some help and find a way to deal with this heavy load you are carrying. God Bless you dear lady, come here to vent anytime, that's what we are here for. I wish you well and will be praying for you.
  11. by   susanmary
    You need to take care of yourself. Get yourself into a support group or counseling -- if you husband refuses to go -- then you go. You need an impartial party to help you both sort through things. Perhaps a social worker could also help both of you regarding services. He may not want to sell off acreage, the ranch, etc. -- but you can only do so much. What are your options? Are you able to hire help?

    He needs a "lifeline" -- one of those alarms he can wear around his neck so that he can call for help in an emergency -- if he refuses to wear one, then he "owns" that. He's lost alot of control over his life & is trying to retain as much control as he can. However, YOU control YOUR life. Be supportive ... but it's up to you whether or not you give in to the manipulation. You need to get back your social life -- even if it's for short periods of time. Meet your friends for lunch, get back to church -- you will find much support there. Talk to your priest/pastor about what you are going through -- many churches have programs where volunteers stop by to see parishioners & check on them. Let go of the guilt trip & enjoy small moments -- and find some time for yourself. You need friends & support more than ever.

    Take care of yourself & realize that you are not alone. And congratulations about nursing school.
  12. by   imupallnite
    but i would like to say you are truly a strong women! sounds like you have gotten alot of great advice here! when it gets to where you can't bear it: let go and let god! He has great faith in you to give you such a load to bear!!! congrats on all your accomplishments!
  13. by   Agnus
    Sounds like he is afraid of loosing you. I think he understands only too well how dependent he is on you. You must set some limits though. If you don't he will end up loosing you. It can be hard to be assertive with someone who is dependent and truly in need. It is a co dependent situation. There is a difference between agression and assertion. The later is sometimes referred to as tough love in these situations.
    You have physical and emoational limitations you must acknowlege them and discuss them with him. If you simply ignore them they will not go away.
    No matter how much you love each other your relationship, sanity, health and happiness are at serious risk.