Domestic Abuse

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Jul 25, 2011

What a sad, terrible story.

I worked with a young lady that we suspected was being abused, with many of the same hallmarks you described above. We tried reaching out to her; several people who were close to her pulled her aside and mentioned what we'd noticed and offered to help. She always declined. She eventually quit coming to work, and people called her, and she never called back. We haven't heard from her since. We have no idea what has happened to her, and it's quite sad. She could've been a great nurse.

I used to work in a community health center, and we had a very close working relationship with the local domestic violence shelter. They'd always drop by and leave flyers with those little tear-off tabs with the phone number on them. At their encouragement, we put them in the bathroom because it is a place where they will most likely be alone, and it's there for people to see but not too confrontational, which can put people on the defensive. Maybe you could contact your local DV shelter and ask for some flyers or cards, whatever they offer, to put in the bathrooms at work.

I am so sorry that your colleague suffered so much before she died.

cheyoda · Jul 25, 2011

This is a good subject to bring up, because not many people mention it. If it is someone I know I talk to them like a friend and ask them if anything is going on. That they seem depressed lately. I always ask them how they got the bruises. I say things like oh man that looks like it hurts how did that happen. If they start to get nervous about answering then I suspect abuse more. If they are closed off to answering any personal questions just say something like I notice that you have been looking sad lately here is my phone number call me anytime. I am an up front person so I say I have lots of resources for people that are going through difficulties let me know if you need any help. When I am really good friends with them I just invite myself over, I like talking to people in their homes. If you say words like abuse they will most likely not talk to you. Many people that are being abused do not think they are. So I use my words carefully, to not scare them. Depending on the town you live in there can be plenty of resources or very little resources for domestic violence.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

having been there, done that, i decided the best way to share support and information that i wished i'd had sooner was to throw an inservice. i invited a speaker from the local women's shelter to come and give a presentation on date/intimate violence. at one point one of the audience got up and left the room; i followed her and found her crying in the hall. it was, of course, happening to her.

over the next few months i had a number of people tell me that this was the best inservice they ever attended, and they had reached out to others in their lives because of what they learned. i commend this to your attention. have them come speak to a staff meeting and be sure she'll be there. even if she isn't, more people will have a better idea of the scope and impact of the problem.

demylenated, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

Hmm... it is said that a person in an abusive relationship is not open to receiving help until they ask... Personally, I find that BS.

I *also* KNOW FOR A FACT that tigers can change their strips (this is far and few in between, and I would not risk it - but I watched my father turn into a completey different man).

You need to speak up. Far to often we keep our mouths closed for political correctness. The most you can lose is a friend, the most she can lose is her life. Get the authorities involved if it is blatent.

Otherwise, leave notes, leave articles. Talk to her about self worth. Share anecdotal stories. Have other women that have been there talk to her. I

It is true, you CAN lead a horse to water... but you know the rest (gawd, I hate cliches).

I would talk... a lot.... I would push right to the limit, then let go... and push again later...

In the long run, I am sure I would lose a friend if it made her open her eyes and move closer to gaining her life.

I thank God for those who were willing to talk to my mom... and have my dad arrested... I am also thankful for the hard a$$ judge he was sent to that told him he was risking everything. From that moment on, my dad turned around completely. I was 5.

Pepper The Cat, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

There is a new bill in Ontario - Bill 92 (I think - Ontario nurses, feel free to correct me). Any way - this Bill ( its like law for you US people) basically states that if you think someone is being abused, you have a duty to report it. It goes deeper than that, but basically it's origins come from a nurse that was having an affair with a doctor. She tried to break if off. He eventually killed her. I believe several collegues knew he was stalking her and threatening her but did nothing.

To make a long story short, this bill evolved. Basically, if I believe a collegue is being abused, I have a "duty" to report it to my manager, or HR.

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Jul 26, 2011

To clarify, I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't say something if you suspect a friend is being abused. But worded the wrong way, any kind of confrontation about anything can make people throw up a barrier. If it's a really good friend and I know them well enough I'd talk to them too....I would just choose my words very wisely and push only gently. But leaving information lying around where you know s/he'll see it is a way to let a person know there's help but give them space to react on their own timetable. I hadn't thought of an inservice but it is a fantastic idea.

What you absolutely do not want to do is anything that will put her in more danger than she may already be in. That's where I have a hard time with people who tell women in these situation if they don't leave, they're asking for more, or telling them it's their fault for putting up with it. You don't know what she deals with at home. You don't always know if she has tried to leave before and gotten caught/found and threatened with death if she tries again. IIRC, the stats are out there that say many women leave multiple times before making it permanent. I guess my point is we can gently prod, point in a different direction, and by all means be there for support, but she knows what she's up against better than anyone else.

nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

A million years ago when I was in my 20's and worked retail, we had a cashier that would come in with black eyes, obvious hand prints on her arms, split lip, etc. So, we all decided to do what would be called an intervention today. One woman's hubby was a dep. sheriff, and we had worked out where she could go, dep. sheriff hubby would escort her home to get her things, etc. We were quite proud of ourselves....except the young lady wouldn't go. She actually said, "I know this happens to all of you, you just pretend it doesn't."

Seriously.

We tried, we begged, we did everything we could think of. Finally, she quit and we never heard from her again. I've always worried I was going to see her as one of those women who first go missing, then are found dead with the boyfriend/hubby as the perp.

The one thing she taught me was, sadly, you can't help people until they are ready to be helped.

JustBeachyNurse, LPN · Jul 26, 2011

There was a great article in Good Housekeeping a few months ago written by a woman who was abused and why she kept going back, and what finally helped her to walk away for good.

http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/emotional/domestic-abuse-battered-woman

I know when I did my clinical rotations in the hospitals each nurse would directly ask the patient when they were alone if there was any physical, mental or emotional abuse going on. I noticed that one unit was particularly sincere in their assessment (as opposed to running down a check list). The nurse told me that their nurse manager had an in-service much like described above and it really hit home on how this one question just might make a world of difference in the person you least suspect needs help.

As I learned first hand in college and later as a tech in the ED, not all bruises and injuries are visible.

decembergrad2011, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

I've had many friends be in less than ideal relationships, and one friend in particular consistently dates controlling jerks that are emotionally abusive. I've learned to be supportive because ultimately she only closes off if I tell her outright that she is being abused and disrespected and needs to leave.

If you come across as being judgmental to someone who is being abused, they are likely to close up, pretend, lie, and hide. For many of them, being confronted outright is too much. As many people have alluded to here, they often will remove themselves from situations where it's become harder to hide abuse from those around them. There is a lot to be said for what a caring, loving friend can do simply by being there. I think many of these people need to be shown that they are worthy of love and respect, and have dealt with being hurt and disrespected in several areas of their life.

FLmomof5 · Jul 26, 2011

From the other side of the fence:

When a woman is being abused, the abuse started small (verbal statements that were hard to dismiss as abusive) and graduated to physical abuse. In small increments, it is very hard to distinguish. Ultimately, the threats of what he will do if she leaves keeps her in fear. She KNOWS he is capable of it.

Restraining orders are pieces of paper and most likely will torque off the abuser and she knows this. It will not stop a bullet and the harrassment begins and the police are weak at response. Too often it is far easier to return than to deal with the fear and lack of police intervention. The abuser can bash out the windows of your car, slash the tires and there is NO PROOF that he did it. The police sympathize, but are powerless to intervene. Add kids to the equation and it only gets worse.

Many women have pride as well. They don't want anyone to know that they are "stupid" enough to tolerate this. They want everyone to see that they are successful, so that makes it even tougher to acknowledge.

Truth be told, NO amount of counselors or psychiatrists could get me to change. They "didn't understand". And they didn't. Ultimately, with a broken arm, I was referred to The Center (for the prevention of domestic violence). I went to a "course" with a "teacher". This woman had a history of being a victim of abuse. You could NOT tell HER that she didn't understand because she had BTDT. She managed to put the information in a manner that we victims could understand and relate to.

Honestly, as a former victim, I will tell you that if you have never been a victim, you will most likely be dismissed by the victim you know as being one who doesn't understand. There is a great deal at stake for these women. Leaving is tougher than you can imagine.

For those reading this who are victims.....understand this.....

There IS life after divorcing an abuser! You can do this. You know in your heart that you are being abused. There are resouces for you. His threats are most likely empty and you can have safety for yourself...and your children. The way to break the cycle of violence is not to tolerate it and not to allow your children to learn that this violence is the norm in relationships!

demylenated, BSN, RN · Jul 26, 2011

Bravo for you FLmomof5 :) I am glad you found the strength and courage...

Thank you for sharing your story... and thank you for getting out!