Domestic Abuse

[Yiggs]

If your colleague/friend comes to work bruised and and depressed most days, calls in often, and you suspect domestic abuse; how would you go about helping her and directing her to appropriate resources without offending her or overstepping your boundary. I am interested in your answer because a friend of mine and her baby was killed by her husband, and he apparently was abusing her long before he went in a jealous rage and killed her.

[Yiggs]

This is such a stimulating discussion; and the advice is so practical. I particularly like Cheyode? said about choosing the words we use wisely, and to avoid using the word "abuse" or any other word that is suggestive or may turn the person off from opening up to us. One thing I have realized over the years is that nurses and medical personnel are not exempt from certain "ills."

[bagladyrn, RN]

I can tell you what I have done regarding a friend who was being abused. I sat down with her one time and told her simply that when the time came that she made her decision to leave, when she was sure, that there would be a safe place for her and her son and whatever help she needed to get out. I did not try to persuade her and did not harp on the topic.

It was more than a year later when she called me, I rented a Uhaul and got her stuff out while he was working and took them to my house. I made it very clear that I would tolerate no threats from him and would take immediate action if any were made.

She and her son stayed with me for a year while she got her life straightened out and then moved on sucessfully.

I will caution though that one should only make this offer if you are truly ready and able to follow through on it at any time.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

a million years ago when i was in my 20's and worked retail, we had a cashier that would come in with black eyes, obvious hand prints on her arms, split lip, etc. so, we all decided to do what would be called an intervention today. one woman's hubby was a dep. sheriff, and we had worked out where she could go, dep. sheriff hubby would escort her home to get her things, etc. we were quite proud of ourselves....except the young lady wouldn't go. she actually said, "i know this happens to all of you, you just pretend it doesn't."

seriously.

we tried, we begged, we did everything we could think of. finally, she quit and we never heard from her again. i've always worried i was going to see her as one of those women who first go missing, then are found dead with the boyfriend/hubby as the perp.

the one thing she taught me was, sadly, you can't help people until they are ready to be helped.

i left my abuser 24 years and four months ago today. i absolutely cannot believe the arrogance of someone who would presume to decide when and how someone else should leave her home and her marriage -- and to go ahead and plan it behind her back!

if anyone had staged an "intervention" for me as you described above, i would have been too mortified to ever face any of you again. domestic abuse isn't like a drug addiction, which is more or less socially acceptable these days. celebrities go on talk shows and excuse their bad behavior by blaming it on a drug addiction, they talk openly about their stays at betty ford. domestic violence is still a dirty little secret. no one wants to admit -- even to herself -- that it's going on. and when you do admit that it's going on, and are ready to leave, it's best to have all your ducks in a row before initiating anything you can't hide.

in my case, that meant a secret savings account where i saved for months to be able to afford an apartment on my own. during that time i always had house keys and car keys on me (slept with them around my neck), kept spare clothing in my car, and parked my car where i could be certain i wouldn't be parked in.

i'm pretty open about my history as a survivor of domestic violence, and many a time after we've been sitting around the nurse's station on the night shift talking about the subject, someone will come up to me afterward and ask me about it. if they're ready for help, i'll help. otherwise, i'll just listen -- or share details of my experience if that's what someone needs. if i've helped even one person realize that she's in an abusive relationship and make a plan to get out, it's worth the momentary embarrassment i may feel when i tell my story.

you can't "help" anyone until she's ready for it. to do what you did is an incredible invasion. i'm not surprised you've never heard from her again.

[cheyoda]

Be a safe person to talk to. If you not saying that the OP is not, but in general if people gossip a ton an individual in crisis will not come talk to you. Also when someone is in crisis any type of crisis it is not the time to lecture.

A persons main goal is to help them get out or at least have enough information where they can make a decision on their own. I treat clients differently then I treat a friend. But a client I will ask them questions that will hopefully let them make the right decisions. Like if someone says I deserved to get hit by the baseball bat because I said some guy was cute then you ask them a question like this. Have you ever hit him for saying a girl is cute. Make them consciously think about what is going on in their lives. If they are in survival mode, most likely the obvious answers to us is not obvious to them, because they like to make excuses for the perp's behavior. Another question I like to ask is when they say it makes sense that they would act that way? I say I am sorry I don't understand how does that make sense can you explain it to me.

Once they start logically thinking about what is happening to them, in some cases I have seen light bulbs go off. The more severe the perp is the harder it is to get the victim out. If they are using guns, rape (which is a common form of DV that is always over looked) and abusing on a regular basis the victim will most likely be in extreme survival mode, and extreme brain washed mode.

[nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN]

Ruby, keep in mind this was back in the 80's -- we honestly didn't know what else to do, we were in a rural area that didn't have women's shelters and groups to help. We were just trying to get her to a safe place, and not see in the newspaper that she was found dead. We were all in our 20's, she was barely 19, and we meant the best, but some times, that's not enough. I'm so glad that you got out of your situation, and can help others. I hope that "Crystal" found help when she was ready and that she's safe and able to help others, too.