Caught in the web of a workplace romance.

Nurses General Nursing

Published

I know it happens, I just never figured it would happen to me. I'm married (not happily) and I have been having warm fuzzy feelings for a single male NP who rounds here. I'm in my 30's and he is about 60 but he is very kind and dignified--silver fox. He is youthful and single and is looking for a partner. I am embarrassed but feel very drawn to him and it's even painful. :o:imbar I wonder if anyone can share their experience with a similar situation?

I'm so ashamed. Who would want me, anyway? Oh well, back to daydreaming and wishing.

treehugger, i found the above, heartbreaking.

but it also reinforces my thoughts that it is indeed, your bad marriage that is putting you in fantasy mode.

i would strongly encourage you to seek counseling for yourself.

you really need to work on your self-esteem.

and if practical, marriage counseling as well.

but definitely for yourself.

i've been where you are (bad marriage), and sooo understand how you're feeling.

whatever happens, you won't go very far w/o a healthy dose of self-respect.

so at least, work on that, will you please?

i wish you the very best.:icon_hug:

leslie

Specializes in OR.

I was in a similar situation , being in a abusive relationship I became friends with a co -worker and we started to become involved with each other . I broke off my relationship with my ex and moved on with my friendship with my now fiancee happiest I have ever been in my life . Do what makes you HAPPY and divorce your husband and move ON !!!!!!

Specializes in ICU, Surgical Services.
I'm so ashamed. Who would want me, anyway? Oh well, back to daydreaming and wishing.

Hey there's nothing to be ashamed of; so you really like the guy and he seems like a nice person, there's no shame in that. Now for the highlighted, I felt really sad reading that. Please don't think like that. I don't know what you're going through but don't think about yourself like that, don't let your challenges pull you down. You're as desirable as you allow yourself to be, and you have to be your own #1 cheerleader because nobody else can do that job better than you. Folks can sense the way we feel about ourselves and their perception of our self-perception affects the way they interact with us.

Folks here have given you a lot of advice, and i'd ike to add this: before you make a major decision like divorce, try to tackle your self-esteem issues; for all we know that may be one of the reasons you're not feeling great about your current relationship. If you can, get some counseling, or talk to someone (a spiritual leader for example) you can trust about what you're going through.

Thoroughly assess your life and find what needs to change, fix the problems not just the symptoms. If your self-esteem is an obstacle in this relationship, it will be a problem in every other relationship. Since we on allnurses don't know all the details of your life we can only do so much, keeping that in mind, take every piece of advice (including mine) with a grain of salt.

You have the power to decide what kind of life you want to live, and it's up to you to give yourself a chance to be happy-- and that starts with loving yourself unconditionally.

Specializes in Hospice, corrections, psychiatry, rehab, LTC.

One thing to consider: People are often a lot different at work than they are in their non-work lives. Medicine in particular seems to bring this out in people, because it is by nature a caring profession. Sometimes people are exactly the same in both worlds, but I have also seen some stark differences. Don't let the unhappiness in your marriage blind you to what could be some real deal-killers in your "silver fox".

Whatever you decide to do, take your time. If you decide to split, give yourself some time to heal before pursuing another relationship. There is a sense of loss even if the former relationship was bad, and rushing to fill the void could cause you to miss some rather large warning flags. You could save yourself a lot of grief down the road by taking it slow.

I guess you can think highly of him now.

Here is what happened at work this afternoon. I was in the conference room charting, and he brought his charts in and asked if he could sit down ( Oh wow, man, sure! Please do!) So, I'm sitting there with this stupid grin on my face, and then one of my coworkers comes in. We are all chatting and he just says, "You know how you can tell when a relationship is going in the right direction? Your friend buys a 4 cup coffee pot." Then he goes on to talk about meeting this woman he dated 40 yrs. ago and he felt really good about it...and he was talking about the church where they may eventually get married...yep, it sure let the wind out of my sails. I'm such a fool. I guess my little fantasy didn't consider whether or not he would even give me the time of day. I truly think he is a nice man. When he talks of his ex-wife he says nothing but good things about her. And he is so funny, I love his sense of humor.

I'm so ashamed. Who would want me, anyway? Oh well, back to daydreaming and wishing.

Ok, I see what I think is a big part of the problem here: "who would want me?" Girl, it's time for you to work on your self-esteem and loving yourself. I sure hope this isn't your husband that's making you feel this way--shame on him if it is; but I think maybe there are some unresolved feelings within yourself that may be doing harm to yourself and your marriage. If you two can't work it out, get out. Take care of yourself. Best of luck to you (and I'm sorry that your fantasy got blown to smitherines, even if it never would have gone anywhere, that's no fun :cry:)

Specializes in Critical Care.

Never stick your pen in the company in well,

or

Don't let someone stick their pen in your company ink well

...it's a really bad idea.

Please.....work through your marriage any way you can. Everyone these days tries to find an 'out' when the going gets tough. That's what marriage is. It's tough. The most important aspect of a marriage is commitment. Have you been through counseling? I do agree with many on this post that this "silver fox" could have a hidden past. Run from the temptation! Good luck.

Please.....work through your marriage any way you can. Everyone these days tries to find an 'out' when the going gets tough. That's what marriage is. It's tough. The most important aspect of a marriage is commitment.

i heartily agree with you, provided that there are no dangerous elements that dominate the marriage.

there should be no physical/verbal abuse, i.e., consistent attacking, taunting, teasing, bullying, harrassing, mocking, belittling, terrorizing, intimidating, denigrating...

in the absence of all those, yes, i agree w/counseling.:)

leslie

Yes, certainly I hope this isn't an abusive relationship......

Specializes in Med/Surg, Home Health.

The grass may look greener on the other side, but its only because its fertilized with manure. Seriously. I allowed this to happen to me with my first marriage. I left my husband and pursued the relationship...it didnt work out. I really thought he was my dream come true...WRONG. It was fun and I was happy for a few months. Then later I realized what I had done and it was too late to turn back. Good luck to you. I know its hard, but please think about things before you rush and make a decision you may regret later.

Boy do I wish I had access to all of you wonderful folks when I was going through my divorce! I'm glad to see how nonjudgmental and kind all of your responses are to this young lady.

I have never been in your exact situation, but I am just going to chime in anyway and echo a mix of some other people's responses.

1) Try to take the time to sort out your current relationship situation before thinking too far ahead into another one. There is a great song lyric somewhere that goes something like this: "make sure you're running TO something and not away FROM". I think that's good wisdom for life, especially if you and I have anything in common and you occasionally like to think that there's some way "out" of the unhappy situation you are currently in. Things won't be much better, no matter what happens, if things aren't settled (aka counseling and saving the marriage, OR deciding to "cut your losses") if you aren't able to deal with those issues before starting something new.

2) I think it was eriksoln (?) who advised especially not to start anything new considering that it may be used against you in divorce court. I agree with that, but I also want to say that for me, the biggest benefit I had of staying faithful to my husband through the divorce although I was not happy was that I had a clear conscience and was able to know that I did my best. I'm not particularly religious, and because of my personal experiences I believe that there is nothing to be ashamed of when ending a relationship after you have done your best, if things are just not good. Sometimes people wait a long time (or forever), unable to end a relationship because it's "not that bad" or they are waiting for one big thing (fight, affair, etc) to justify it. Sometimes I think it just plain doesn't work and it's nobody's fault but just how it is.

3) Also, I imagine there will be some disagreement with this approach, but I personally feel that within reason there is nothing wrong with having a little crush on someone that you respect when you are going through a tough time in your relationship. As long as you can keep that person in perspective (not put them on a pedestal, not expect them to be your big love when you are single again, not start an actual relationship with them until and if it is) it can be a little helpful. I had a very good male friend that I met in school while I was going through the end of my marriage who was a lot of things I admired: motivated, intelligent, kind, funny, etc. Although we never had anything more than a friendship, knowing him helped motivate me by showing me that indeed I wasn't wanting "too much" from my then-current relationship and that there WERE people out there who embodied the qualities that I desired and that my husband at the time simply didn't possess. It was encouraging and gave me some hope, and someone to talk to that didn't have ulterior motives but could give me some perspective on what i was going through and help me have faith in my own instincts and feelings.

Please don't feel that there is nobody that would want you. It sounds like you are going through a tough time, and not every relationship works (if it did, we'd all be married at a young age and for our whole lives!). We do our best with what we know at the time, and if you can take care of your own head and heart and do the right thing (ie not cheat) whatever happens you will be okay and stronger for it.

Best of luck!

:loveya:

NEVER start a new relationship before ending the old one. Either get marital counseling and try to make it work OR get a divorce. Do the right thing here. The chances of a relationship lasting that starts with infidelity has less than 5% chance of surviving. Do it with you and they will do it to you. Respect yourself more than that. Good luck.

+ Add a Comment