Funny things that pts say

Nurses Humor

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Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day......

I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey, cause I'm self propelled!":rotfl:

I once had a pt ask me what time her "autopsy was scheduled for that day", I smiled and said "your BIOPSY will be later today".

I once had a little old lady ask me if I liked my job because I got to look at naked men all day.... :imbar

Just the other day I had an 84 year old lady ask me if I knew if her amniocentesis was scheduled for today or tomorrow. What she was asking about was her thoracentesis..

A coworker of mine has an uncle in the VA hospital. The nurses had to restrain him last nite, because he wouldn't leave his O2 on and his sats were really low. He also kept trying to get up..can't remember he can't walk. When his daughter arrived for a visit this am, he told her in that loud I can't hear anymore voice, "honey, they've tied down everything but my dick!"

Well, if he ends up getting a foley, that'll be next.

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Specializes in ICU. Med/Surg: Ortho, Neuro, & Cardiac.

A nurse once asked me to restrain a pt.

I received all the usual questions/statements a confused person will ask/say in this situation.

"Well, why do you have to do that?" (I just told them why.)

"I'm not trying to get out of bed." (After I go in there 10+ times to find them half-way in a standing position.)

"It's not for my safety." Etc, etc.

But I was really thrown off when this one elderly male patient continued his series of questions, to ask "Well, why? Do you think I will masturbate? I can't even find my ****."

LMAO!

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:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
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We had this one lady come to the er with two of her kids and she told us that they had the croak! It took us a minute to figure out that she meant croup.:)

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Specializes in ALF, Medical, ER.

Was doing a bath and a complete bed change on a male patient. I had him turned over to his side and had rolled up the old sheet under him and the rolled up new sheet next to that (the two rolls put together is what I call a big hump).

So I tell him "Ok sir can you roll over to your other side? You are going to roll over a big hump in the middle."

To which he replies "I'm used to rolling over big humps. Have you ever seen my wife?"

LMAO

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Specializes in Cardiac Care, ICU.

I had to restrain a little old man when I was unable to reorient him to the fact that I was not a burgler breaking in his house to steal his things, which he was prepared to fight to protect. He screamed for the police for awhile then got quiet. I went to check on him and found him w/ his face turned away from the door toward the sink area where the mirror was. He was seeing reflections and thought they were someone he knew. He kept asking the mirror to let him go that her girls had him all tied up. I tried again to orient him but he kept talking to the mirror. I asked him who he was talking to and, still looking at the mirror he said "you". I said "well, I'm over here". He looked over at me, then back at the mirror and said " well, you or her either one, somebody cut me loose!" I got so tickled I just had to walk away.:lghmky:

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Specializes in ER/ICU/Flight.

Late last night the doors to the ICU swung open, when we looked we saw a pizza delivery guy standing thers with an XL meat lover'a. Assuming one of our co-workers had ordered it we asked who it was for and the guy said "Mr. ____"

We couldn't believe it. That guy was scheduled for a CABG @ 0600!! When we went into his room to tell him about the failed pizza delivery attempt he said "The doctor said I could eat whatever I wanted!"

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.
Late last night the doors to the ICU swung open, when we looked we saw a pizza delivery guy standing thers with an XL meat lover'a. Assuming one of our co-workers had ordered it we asked who it was for and the guy said "Mr. ____"

We couldn't believe it. That guy was scheduled for a CABG @ 0600!! When we went into his room to tell him about the failed pizza delivery attempt he said "The doctor said I could eat whatever I wanted!"

:lol2:

I have an old "Close to Home" cartoon on my bulletin board. It depicts this guy sitting in his hospital bed with his wife sitting in a chair beside him. He's got a big pizza on his lap, a bag of fried pork rinds and one of cheese goos on his bed, a box of bonbons, and a box of doughnuts on his bedside table. It reads: "But that's the beauty of it, Rita. I don't have to worry about my fat intake today. I'm having a quadruple bypass tomorrow!! :lol2:

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Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.

Was working with a 3yo child, admitted for IV antibiotic therapy, and was going through the usualy fiddliness of undressing, threading the IV though 'itty bitty pyjamas' so she could bath.

Miss Three suddenly pointed to my R) forearm, where I have a large diamond-shaped mole. "What's that?" she asked.

"It's a mole." I answered.

She subsided and looked thoughtful for 30 seconds: "What's it doing there? Why doesn't it run away?"

It did take me a few moments to realise her mistake, when I promptly dissolved into hysterics, imagining a four-legged furry blind rodent sitting on my arm since the day I was born!!!

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Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.

Workin on the orthopoedic ward, I was applying the cryocuff (Ice Pack) to the knee of a young man who'd had a total knee replacement three days ago.

Warning him that he would feel cold as I allowed the iced water to run into the cuff, I opened the valve and lifted the cooler high.

The next sound was a shriek from my young man, who was shocked as the icy water encircled his leg. "****, my gonads have frozen!!"

This was not an unfamiliar statement, and I was half expecting it. What dissolved me into giggles was the prissy use of the correct term, 'gonads'. More often a young male uses a more mundane, four letter word to describe that part of his anatomy!!

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
a coworker of mine has an uncle in the va hospital. the nurses had to restrain him last nite, because he wouldn't leave his o2 on and his sats were really low. he also kept trying to get up..can't remember he can't walk. when his daughter arrived for a visit this am, he told her in that loud i can't hear anymore voice, "honey, they've tied down everything but my dick!"

i had an elderly male patient who kept removing his sat monitor. i'd go in and put it back on him and explain what it was and why it was important. by 2am, 7 hours into my 12 hour night shift, the whole thing was getting rather old. i was just getting up out of my chair (it was a slow night in the ccu!) to replace the guys sat probe once again, and i heard the most panicked scream. "help, help!" he screamed. "you've got to do something! there's a snake in the bed and he's got my dick! you're going to have to cut it off!" o2 sat probe was firmly attached to the patient's member -- not much of a tracing, though!

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i had an elderly male patient who kept removing his sat monitor. i'd go in and put it back on him and explain what it was and why it was important. by 2am, 7 hours into my 12 hour night shift, the whole thing was getting rather old. i was just getting up out of my chair (it was a slow night in the ccu!) to replace the guys sat probe once again, and i heard the most panicked scream. "help, help!" he screamed. "you've got to do something! there's a snake in the bed and he's got my dick! you're going to have to cut it off!" o2 sat probe was firmly attached to the patient's member -- not much of a tracing, though!

wait. why would u put the o2 stat probe on his member? can't it go anywhere else?

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