So What is the Funniest Patient Lie You have Ever Heard....
I have several but two for now! I had a patient who came in with an ice cream scooper up his rear and when I asked how it got their they stated that they fell on it! I guess the ice cream scooper was standing perfectly straight up and they feel perfectly on top of it!!
Another....
One time a patient came in with a whole orange down in her va jay jay...asked how it got there she said that it was supposed to cleanse her like douche. By the way her boyfriend was sitting at the bedside blushing so hard. I wanted to ask her if it was for sweet loving, but I held back my laughter . She ended up needing surgery!
Late 40's female with abdominal pain. Stated firmly that she had not been sexually active in over a year and always had regular menses. (Y'all know where this is going!) Doc believed her, sent her to xray for abd. xray. Tech stuck his head out and said "Got something here you might want to see. That's right - perfect x-ray of a term fetus!
I think that doc subsequently ordered pregnancy tests on every female below the age of 70.
The urgent care I worked at, most people really enjoyed speaking about their problems, even the STD checks. Occasionally, you'd get someone who would tell registration they had a 'headache' and when I would triage them, they would confess they wanted STD testing.
Just three weeks ago, a patient went on with a very indepth story about chronic back and abdominal pain, chest pain, difficulty breathing. The registration clerk brought him back as soon as he said chest pain and I began to set up for EKG and alerted the doctor.
The guy was very sheepish to have to admit (in front of the clerk he had just spun a story to) that all he wanted was a gonorrhea test because his girlfriend had tested positive.
A neuro nurse I work with told me of a patient she had that was about to be discharged but really did not want to leave the hospital. So what did she do? Sat herself on the floor, laid back and started to flop around like a piece of frying bacon, while all the while yelling "I'm having a seizure! I'm having a seizure!".
In nursing school, one of the patients told my classmate that the scars on his back were from an accident when he worked as a professional tiger trainer!
Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.
I had a frequent flyer a long time go and Sadie was her name, she was all alone, no family. She had COPD. Her gasses were not compatible with life. She would come to the ED ALL the time with her 02 tubing melted and her nasal hairs burned......when we woulld scold her and threaten her with making her a ward of the state by having her declared incompetent and putting her in a home she would tell us indignantly that she was "NOT smoking with her 02 on......it was spontaneous combustion!" . She lived to be 91....
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
"some dude just came in here and ripped on it." (patient explaining how his femoral arterial line came to be lying on the floor while he had arterial spray approaching the ceiling.)
"your lab is lyin'. i don't drink nuthin! it's that stuff they pipe in the walls." (explaining how he came back from visiting his babymamma in post partum stumbling and slurring.)
I guess the ice cream scooper was standing perfectly straight up and they feel perfectly on top of it!! 
. She ended up needing surgery!
I had a frequent flyer a long time go and Sadie was her name, she was all alone, no family. She had COPD. Her gasses were not compatible with life. She would come to the ED ALL the time with her 02 tubing melted and her nasal hairs burned......when we woulld scold her and threaten her with making her a ward of the state by having her declared incompetent and putting her in a home she would tell us indignantly that she was "NOT smoking with her 02 on......it was spontaneous combustion!" 
xtxrn, ASN, RN
4,267 Posts
We dealt with them at the "Flip- flop- -fold -feed- and fluff Farm" (the feeds were tubes, naturally)