First Code Today

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Specializes in Peds ER.

Hey Everyone

Today I participated in my first pedi code and subsequent death. This pt was only 4 and was running around playing yesterday. I feel like I've been run over by a mac truck. It was so physically and mentally exhausting. I'm now sitting home re-thinking so many choices I've made. I just don't ever want to go back I'm so heart-broken and confused. I don't know why I'm even posting this. I just want to know if anyone else has felt the same way and what did you do? How do I know if this is just my reaction to this one occurrence or if I'm really not cut out to be a pedi nurse. I love these kids and I don't want to see them die.

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Specializes in Pediatrics Only.

I'm so sorry that happened, and I know that no one can say anything to make you feel better. I've never been in this situation, and dread it ever happening..but I hope that I can offer you some words of encouragement.

No one wants to see anyone die, expecially a child who hasnt had a chance to live yet.

If you want to stay in Pedi, the best thing to do is realize that you are there to help this child, and while you are there you are making their life just a little bit better. I'm not sure what type of floor you work on, but as hard as it is to say- there are some that its their time to go so that they do not suffer anymore. (I'm assuming you work ER, but I could be wrong. But I'm thinking you do since this child was up and running yesterday).

In all honestly- I would have the same reaction as you are to what happened. Since this was the first time you've seen it happen, and we all know that the first time is always the hardest. I dont want to say it gets easier as time goes on, because I dont beleive that it does. If you felt like you were cut out for Pedi until now, I'd give it another chance. It was most likely the code of this angel that is making you rethink your choice.

I'm so sorry this happened..to you, and to this child and his family. Please feel free to vent..we're here to listen.

-meghan

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(((((((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))).

I can tell you that it will never get easier but you will develop better coping skills. Does your unit offer debriefing sessions? That would be very good for you in a situation like this.

You are there to help children, most are going to make it and because of you. There are some that we are not able to help, no matter what we do.

Just know that you did the best for that little one while they were with you.

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Specializes in Peds ER.

I can't thank you both enough for responding. Just knowing that people understand makes this situation a little easier. I'm not sure what kind of debriefing we have. I will check on that tomorrow. We all just kind of left exhausted and zoned out on Friday. Thanks again y'all.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

I hope you got some support/debriefing. I can't imagine how hard this would be- the hardest thing in nursing. I am in peds too, but haven't had a pt die. It makes me extremely sad just to see young kids in the obituaries, and especially if I know they were cared for at our hospital. You did what you could, ALL you could, to save this little one. (((HUGS))) and I hope you find some peace.

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I have worked in Peds my entire nursing career and have experienced a lot of deaths. Our unit provides nursing care for small bowel syndrome patients, who ultimately pass away from complications related to the illness (if they don't receive a transplant). Ultimately, I've had to endure a lot of heartbreak because these children become like family to me due to their extended stays. I, too, wanted to quit pediatric nursing after experiencing my first couple of deaths, however, I realize now, that those experiences only make you a stronger nurse in the end. You realize how precious life is, therefore, you strive to make each patient's day better. I would suggest attending a debriefing session as well. It always helped us to discuss our feelings and share emotions. I would also suggest having a unit memorial service for the child (amongst your peers). It always helps to remember and reflect! Take care!

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Specializes in Cardiac/Telemetry.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this. However, the way you feel makes me see that you are a good nurse. I'm sure you never get used to this (how could you?) but I hope you find something that could put your mind a bit at ease. I hope you feel better. God bless you.

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Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

I am sorry also - it must be horrible. Those kiddies need compassionate nurses like you so I am glad you are doing it. Do not hesitate to get help to deal with this.

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Specializes in Peds ER.

I took y'all's (sorry, southerner here) advice and spoke to my supervisor and she set up a debriefing for everyone involved in this child's care as well as anyone else interested in coming. This was surprisingly the first debriefing the unit has ever had and it went well. Nurses that were not there for this particular child's case showed up just to say they hope these debriefing's continue if the need arises. I think what helped me most in the debriefing was not only hearing how everyone felt but knowing for sure that we absolutely did everything we could for him. I do feel better now. Thanks all of you for your advice, concern, and compliments. I really like the idea of a small memorial service too, we'll see how that goes.

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I'm glad your unit took some steps toward helping y'all deal with it and I hope they continue it.

Codes are tough to begin with and I think a lot of nurses are left with survivors guilt. Hearing that you really did do everything right can go a long way towards easing it.

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