Feeling close to the end of my rope...

[Aliceozwalker]

Hi everyone,

I am an RN who has been struggling quite a bit recently and thus has made several posts. To give a quick summary for those unfamiliar with my situation, I have been working at a medical unit at a local hospital part-time for close to 2 years and a hospice casually for about a year. I am very unhappy at my hospital job and thus have been looking for a day nursing job for a month and a half now. Unfortunately, things have taken a turn for the worst again, and I would appreciate any honest feedback or responses. This community has been honestly amazing and I have been trying to apply the advice given to me in the past. Apologies for the long length, this will be my final post related to my current situation so I want to cover all bases. 

Yesterday, I received two e-mails that both of the jobs I would have accepted (clinic positions) had decided to go with other candidates. I was absolutely devastated as I normally get a job offer if I'm interviewed since I actually tend to interview well. I feel like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel only to have it disappear again. It has now been almost 2 months since I started applying elsewhere and I have applied to 22 jobs in that time period. 

I am absolutely desperate to move away from acute bedside now. I mentioned in earlier posts but I don’t think I have really gone into how sick I am really getting from this line of work to the degree I am literally considering changing fields if I can’t get regular hours soon. I have a history of anxiety and depression and I think that is honestly not helping with any of this but my health feels like it is reaching a breaking point. My sleep schedule is a complete and utter mess. When I sleep now it isn’t unusual for me to wake up 6-10 times over the eight-hour period if I manage to even get that. I often get less sleep, then wake up exhausted and struggle to get anything done on my days off anymore because I am so exhausted. I recently had an episode of sleep paralysis and ended up having a full-blown hallucination regarding the hospital. I also am having frequent nightmares which is part of the reason I am waking up so frequently during my sleep.

I have been gaining a lot of weight too, about 30 pounds in the year and a half. None of my clothes fit me anymore but my scrubs and even those are starting to feel increasingly tight. I'm so embarrassed about my weight that I've been staying home a lot too since I have nothing to wear and it's obvious how much weight I have gained. I am experiencing frequent bouts of nausea and constantly needing ginger ale or gravol to stop myself from dry heaving or vomiting. To go along with that, my bowel movements are also all over the place, I tend to have very tiny BMs and sometimes have 5-7 a day ranging between hard pellets to diarrhea over even a few days. I literally feel sick enough that I went to my MD concerned that I had cancer or something near the start of the year. They ran a bunch of blood work on me and I had a colonoscopy but couldn’t find anything. The only thing they found was that I have small fractures on my spine and the cartilage on my hip is beginning to wear away possibly from overuse. I am in my 20s and this just seems crazy to me.

I’m starting to really regret the career and think that shift work is a big reason why I am having so many issues. I had a major depressive episode for years in high school and I’m not even lying when I said I was healthier then. This is probably the sickest I have been in my life. My mom, who is very similar to me, is a person of habit and has very set routines. When I have a more structured life, I seem to live healthier. But my current work schedule is all over the places or nights for weeks on end. It’s definitely not helping my mental or physical health especially with the stress from the job in general. I literally feel so sick some days going into work that I have started to slow down and almost envy my patients. They feel awful too but at least they can rest.

 I’m in a bit of a hard position since my manager at my current unit is the one who runs the clinic I most desire to work at (aside from money the big reason why I haven't quit). He has actually expressed an interest to hire me there when a position opens up but says it could be anywhere from 6 months to a year. He actually knows that I am applying elsewhere part-time and is fine with it provided that I stay on my unit casually and it relates to clinic work. He actually told me it would be ideal even if I got clinic experience before he moves me to the hospital clinic.

While the position my manager is offering is super promising (and my current) dream job, I don't want to put all hope into one position. There are rumours that my manager, while an awesome guy, is actually thinking of retiring in 6-12 months. if he leaves before helping me get this position I could be in trouble as it could take even longer for me to get the clinic position if at all. That being said, I have tried to be less picky and apply to a variety of postings that are 8-10 hour day shifts to improve my health. I've applied to clinics, coordinator roles, and vaccine centres all without success. My resume is normally forwarded by the recruiters to the managers according to the applications sites and I have had a few interviews. But time and time again I get told that the manager "has never seen so many strong hospital nurses applying for the clinic position" and that "while I have a strong resume I need more bedside experience." One manager had a conversation with me about it and thinks it could be that nurses are re-evaluating the work-life balance since the pandemic is ending and are all trying to move away from bedside. I now have close to 2 years of med-surg bedside experience which I was told would open many doors so this is extremely frustrating. I absolutely categorically do not and possibly could not do another year of bedside part-time on my current unit. 

To add even another layer of woe onto everything is that my hospice job recently hired an ICU nurse who was fed up with the hospital system and just wanted out. She accepted a full-time position and my hours have literally gone from working there for a breather once or twice a week to once or twice a month. 

I'm just so unsure of what to do at this point. I want to keep saving to buy my own property/rent so that I can move out of my parent's house in a year or two and get into a serious relationship. I feel stuck in my current job with no one wanting to hire me for positions that would allow me to grow or to help improve my health. This in turn is making me feel like I am falling behind in all aspects of my life. 

That being said does anyone have any suggestions for areas I should apply to next? Additional courses? Any advice that could help me land a day job that would allow me to be casual only at my current job? 

I have seen some people say that OR/PACU can sometimes be Mon-Fri and offers a good hospital wage. I know it requires a lot of extra courses but at this point, I would be willing to do it if it was exclusively days. OR/PACU nurses, what has your experience been? As always thank you in advance for any advice. 

[SmilingBluEyes]

I am beginning to think that not only the job is affecting you but you have some mental health concerns to be addressed. And this is not being mean or derogarory;  I am concerned. Have you tried therapy/counseling. You should have access to EAP (employee assistance program) in your job. I highly recommend you get some good talk therapy. Maybe even a life coach could help if you can find one.

You are spiraling. And again, I am worried for you.

Please get help ASAP. I have been there; I have a strong and painful history of depression and anxiety myself, so I empathize with you very much.

[amoLucia]

Don't know which to address first - your job situation or your health. I'm going with the suggestion that you get a good PMP who can 'see the big picture' for you. Just an observation, with the weight gain and sleep disturbances, might there be some sleep apnea issues?? Amazing how troublesome sleep apnea can be; and sneaky too.

Maybe I need to glance at your other posts to offer some other suggestions. But your health has to be addressed.

Good luck to you. 

[Aliceozwalker]

5 hours ago, SmilingBluEyes said:

I am beginning to think that not only the job is affecting you but you have some mental health concerns to be addressed. And this is not being mean or derogarory;  I am concerned. Have you tried therapy/counseling. You should have access to EAP (employee assistance program) in your job. I highly recommend you get some good talk therapy. Maybe even a life coach could help if you can find one.

You are spiraling. And again, I am worried for you.

Please get help ASAP. I have been there; I have a strong and painful history of depression and anxiety myself, so I empathize with you very much.

Thank you again for responding to me. Unfortunately, part-time nurses do not have benefits at my hospital and can only book up to three sessions to speak to a counsellor through EAP. I already used mine earlier last year. I do, however, have a psychologist that I have been paying out of pocket for since then. Due to costs, I have to limit seeing them once a month.

In March, this psychologist actually told me to quit my job at the hospital. She stated that I had given the job a year and yet I was still just as anxious as ever and getting more and more unhealthy. I explained to her that if I quit the job then, I had absolutely no backup plan and it would be difficult to explain to the current and future employers why I quit. By the end of April, I decided that the 1.5 years was going to have to do as I was pretty miserable and started to job hunt. I told her in May I was job hunting and she was excited for me. May was actually an awesome month for me, I did 44 hours a week on average and was feeling okay. June has been a completely different experience as my hopes have been crushed.

Even if the psychologist tells me to quit I know rationally that it is not the right decision for my career. I really need my current hospital job to make money, especially with the hospice reducing hours. And of course, the bigger reason being that my only solid lead for any clinic job has come from this position my manager is offering. I have to stay on his good side no matter what. I'm just honestly not sure how I am going to find the motivation or willpower to get through this now knowing there are months of misery left and I could still not even get the job in the end. I do have my appointment coming up for the month with the psychologist so I will have to talk about it with her then too. 

[Aliceozwalker]

5 hours ago, amoLucia said:

Don't know which to address first - your job situation or your health. I'm going with the suggestion that you get a good PMP who can 'see the big picture' for you. Just an observation, with the weight gain and sleep disturbances, might there be some sleep apnea issues?? Amazing how troublesome sleep apnea can be; and sneaky too.

Maybe I need to glance at your other posts to offer some other suggestions. But your health has to be addressed.

Good luck to you. 

Sorry if this is a dumb question but what does PMP for? I tried looking it up but didn't see much on the web. Is it Primary Physician? If so, my family physician has been a problem to get a hold of recently. My family is actually discussing switching doctors. Last I spoke to my family physician, he had me on some anti-depressants. The ones he recommended were not really effective for me and were causing pretty severe constipation even with laxatives. I was on them for a month, after which I consulted a pharmacist who helped me wean off of them as he stated that after a month I should have seen some improvement, not things getting worse. I haven't been on anything since. I honestly feel okay mood-wise when I'm not at work, just tired. I should probably reach out to him again about my sleep, it's a good thought about a sleep disorder. I am pretty young though (In my 20s) which is why I didn't think it was sleep apnea. 

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Full time hospice could be your answer.

 

[amoLucia]

PMP = primary medical provider.

I have multiple health issues and use multiple specialists. Sometimes it feels like things get lost among them all. I like the sense of feeling 'grounded' using my PMP who happens to be an APRNP.

Sleep apnea jumped out at me - one of my many dx.

[Hannahbanana, BSN, MSN]

The ACA is still the law of the land. It includes mental health benefits. If you can't access any through your PCP/PMP, seek out community services.

Agree c the OSA screen. I'd also get a second opinion on your general health, wt gain, irregular bowels, etc. I know you have just about no energy to put into a better investigation but this is your only body and you have to get it taken care of. Something is going on here, and it may be easier than you think to get tuned.

Let us know what happens, we do care about this.

 

[Aliceozwalker]

On 6/27/2021 at 5:43 AM, Been there,done that said:

Full time hospice could be your answer.

 

I did start to consider that more strongly but apparently so have some other hospital nurses. They just hired another nurse who got full-time and she is from the ICU! Apparently, she just got so fed up with being forced to stay in the ICU at the hospital (the hospital where I am stating they have the right to keep you on certain units) that she just walked away from the hospital as a whole. Another hospital nurse with years of experience also just joined the group. So at most I'm getting 2-3 shifts a month now. 

18 hours ago, amoLucia said:

PMP = primary medical provider.

I have multiple health issues and use multiple specialists. Sometimes it feels like things get lost among them all. I like the sense of feeling 'grounded' using my PMP who happens to be an APRNP.

Sleep apnea jumped out at me - one of my many dx.

Thank you for letting me know. I honestly need a new medical provider, I will start looking into that asap. 

[Aliceozwalker]

18 hours ago, Hannahbanana said:

The ACA is still the law of the land. It includes mental health benefits. If you can't access any through your PCP/PMP, seek out community services.

Agree c the OSA screen. I'd also get a second opinion on your general health, wt gain, irregular bowels, etc. I know you have just about no energy to put into a better investigation but this is your only body and you have to get it taken care of. Something is going on here, and it may be easier than you think to get tuned.

Let us know what happens, we do care about this.

 

Thank you very much. I do need a new healthcare provider so I will start to look into that immediately. Work is not going to get any better with being short-staffed, they have been short for the past 2 weeks at least once a shift. So I need to start looking into how to improve my health now and see if something is seriously wrong. 

[LibraNurse27, BSN, RN]

If you feel the job is affecting your health so severely that it's dangerous, and you can afford it, there is always the option to give notice and leave before you find another job. If you keep the PRN hospice job at least you won't have a gap on your resume where you have no job at all. Not sure if you pay rent to your family, but if you're financial concern is saving to move out on your own, I think a few extra months at home is worth it for your health.

[lifelearningrn, BSN, RN]

Have you considered school nursing? You can't beat the hours and when you consider all the time off, they pay isn't as bad as you'd think. With all the time off, you can work just about any other PRN nursing job if you enjoy moonlighting!