Experienced Nurses! Hardened heart?

madwife2002, BSN, RN · Jul 29, 2006

It will only happen to you if you allow yourself to become this way. After 17years i have never ever been unkind or cruel to a pt or relative, and the day I am then that is the day I dont want to be a nurse anymore. I can only apologise to you for your experiences to date. Remember one day you can make a difference.

happygrad06 · Jul 29, 2006

ADixonADNS said:

PLEASE, tell me what is happening here!!

You will see good nurses; not good nurses; compassionate; not compassionate.....etc....

You really only need to focus on what type of nurse you will be.... and stick w/that. Eventually you will make a difference in peoples lives... and that's all that's important.

Trauma Columnist · Jul 29, 2006

I am with Madwife. I have been a nurse for 14 years and won't tolerate that kind of behavior. Yes, nursing is VERY stressful but there is no excuse for being unduly rough or disrespectful.

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Jul 29, 2006

Hi, Angela. What you are observing is people making personal choices in their behavior. Choosing to participate in gossip is a personal choice. We can listen to it and then we can open our mouths and join right in. You will only become hardened in the way you fear if you allow yourself to. I happen to feel the way you do. And, I promise that you will find nurses who feel the same as well. Some people just get burned out being compassionate with patient after patient who only return with more complaints and requests and never seem satiated. I'm am sure they didn't enter nursing thinking that way. Nurses who are looking for smiles and kudos from patients for the compassion they give all the time are on the wrong track. This is where nursing as a calling separates from nursing as a profession or as a job. I have seen the kind of compassion you are talking about among nurses working with the dying on oncology units and in NICUs. I've also worked in a couple of religious run facilities where there were religious leaders around a lot and the atmosphere was so much different among the workers. I think the difference is because the religious clergy were also supporting the staff. Now, I will tell you that when I was a unit manager and I heard staff nurses speaking in a two-faced way, I would take them aside and speak about professional behavior. I was also aware that a good deal of this kind of talk comes out of frustration at being unable to satisfy patients and family. Some nurses never learned or do not know how to cope with the constant barrage of negativism from a demanding patient and family. They are not even aware that it is a problem to them. So, while you are spreading around some of that compassion of yours, don't forget your fellow workers who are attempting to deal with very stressful situations and coping with them by exhibiting not-so-professional behavior. It's up to those of us who are stronger to help show them how to be better by being role models and befriending them too.

mcleanl · Jul 29, 2006

ADixonADNS,

I am one of those nurses that are "one way" in front of the patients and a completely different way at the nurses station. I am guilty of making comments about family members and even some patients, never within ear shot. I've been known to gossip too. I didn't start out this way and as a new grad I was always professional. The truth is over time this type of behavior has become a stress reliever for me. It's not malicious on my part...is it really so bad?

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jul 29, 2006

I've been in health care for 11 years, and never once have I spoken disrespectfully to a patient or handled them less than gently. (Well, unless you count the ones who've fought off eight full-grown adults and a set of four-point restraints trying to kill staff members...... :eek: )

That said, I will tell you that there is school, and then there's real life. Nurses and others who work in high-stress jobs dealing with the public have to be able to let off steam at some point, so that we DON'T behave inappropriately in front of patients and families. You can be "nice" only so long when someone is standing in front of you, getting in your face, yelling at you, cursing you out, and/or threatening you. There has to be someplace you can go to vent and someone to talk to after an experience like this, and believe me, these things happen much more frequently than some would have you believe.

I'm not saying it's OK to be nasty to patients, and venting at the nurses' station---or anywhere patients and/or the public can hear what's being said---really is not appropriate. But you need to try to be more understanding of the nurses you work with during clinicals; they are under more stress than you, as a student, can possibly know, as they are responsible for so many things during the course of a shift and are ALWAYS the first to be blamed when something goes wrong. We nurses also tend to develop a warped sense of humor after a few years; it doesn't mean we're hardhearted, it's merely a way to cope with the things we see day after day, year after year.

Just my two pence worth.

P_RN, ADN, RN · Jul 29, 2006

I've been a nurse for over 32 years. Venting is one thing. But do it privately and away from patients' and families' ears. Gossip is another thing altogether.

There's an ancient symbol called an ouroboros. It's the snake biting its own tail. What goes around comes around. Kind of like gossip, it will bite you in the butt.

Gabie Baby · Jul 29, 2006

ITA with all that has been said. Try to be understanding of the nurses but they should not be gossiping or talking about this sort of thing at the desk.

Do what God wants you to do and you will be blessed and be a blessing to others, even to your coworkers/nurses/teachers/fellow students.

Set a good example. Be strong and don't let anyone ruin you.

Also, some here said you will be a blessing, as if it were future. I think you are a blessing even now, Dear. Keep on your present path, no matter how strewn it is with the wreckage of other people. When God tells you to change course is when you should change.

I wish I could be more encouraging but I hope you read my heart. I would love to be your patient, if a patient I had to be.

VickyRN, MSN, DNP, RN · Jul 30, 2006

Daytonite said:

Hi, Angela. What you are observing is people making personal choices in their behavior. Choosing to participate in gossip is a personal choice. We can listen to it and then we can open our mouths and join right in. You will only become hardened in the way you fear if you allow yourself to. I happen to feel the way you do. And, I promise that you will find nurses who feel the same as well. Some people just get burned out being compassionate with patient after patient who only return with more complaints and requests and never seem satiated. I'm am sure they didn't enter nursing thinking that way. Nurses who are looking for smiles and kudos from patients for the compassion they give all the time are on the wrong track. This is where nursing as a calling separates from nursing as a profession or as a job. I have seen the kind of compassion you are talking about among nurses working with the dying on oncology units and in NICUs. I've also worked in a couple of religious run facilities where there were religious leaders around a lot and the atmosphere was so much different among the workers. I think the difference is because the religious clergy were also supporting the staff. Now, I will tell you that when I was a unit manager and I heard staff nurses speaking in a two-faced way, I would take them aside and speak about professional behavior. I was also aware that a good deal of this kind of talk comes out of frustration at being unable to satisfy patients and family. Some nurses never learned or do not know how to cope with the constant barrage of negativism from a demanding patient and family. They are not even aware that it is a problem to them. So, while you are spreading around some of that compassion of yours, don't forget your fellow workers who are attempting to deal with very stressful situations and coping with them by exhibiting not-so-professional behavior. It's up to those of us who are stronger to help show them how to be better by being role models and befriending them too.

Truly EXCELLENT post, Daytonite. Advice we should all take to heart.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Jul 30, 2006

If this is all you're seeing then you really are missing something. I'm not saying you should put on rose colored glasses but why so judgemental and looking at nurses with such superiority and negativity? If you constantly look for negative things about nurses from a student's perspective you're going to see negative things. Look a little closer.

Don't judge someone's insides by their outsides.

Sometimes after spending 10 demanding hours with a patient and their crazy family, I'm going to "vent" to my fellow nurses who understand.........."I'm sick and tired of this patient and their family.........". Judge me if you will, but that's what' going to get me through the final hours. Someone who happens buy will say "this is a dreadful nurse who gossips, I hope I never become like him." I work with trauma patients and sometimes they have to move and do things that are uncomfortable. Someone walking by will judge "that patient is groaning in pain, what a horrible nurse he is." I seriously feel for my patients discomfort as I turn them over when they are in obvious pain, my compassion isn't gone, but I understand too I've a job to do, and they gotta turn.

My point is what you think you see isn't always what you see. Personally my skin has toughened up quite a bit, but not my heart.

The posts above are great posts. Obviously gossip happens, nurses become hardened, lazy, stressed, and dreadful nurses. Maybe I have rose colored glasses but I'd still like to think that most of us are doing the best we can under stessful demanding circumstances, and we're still compassionate people. Don't let a few ogres jade you against the entire profession.

All you can really do is be the best that you can possibly be. Good luck to you!

madwife2002, BSN, RN · Jul 30, 2006

Last week my neighbour took her elderly confused Grandfather to an urgent care center following a fall he had. The nurses was asking questions to her about her Grandfather, and he started answering the questions obviously in a confused disorientated state, the nurse turned to him and shouted 'Just sit there be quiet I am not asking you I am talking to your Grandaughter' my neighbour was very distressed but said nothing because she was afraid he wouldn't get treatment! She asked me what she should do about home care because she had been afraid to ask the nurse.