Discharge orders you'd LIKE to write!!! - page 3

Hey, this quote from MLOS was in the middle of another thread: <quote MLOS> "Maybe this is better suited to an ER thread, but here's a brief list of discharge instructions I would love to give... Read More

  1. by   TraumaMama_RN
    For my cocaine addicted pt who got bit by a cocaine dealer's dog when she was trying to purchase cocaine:

    1. Don't Buy Cocaine
    2. If you insist on buying cocaine don't buy from a dealer with a large dog.
    3. Make sure you have money to pay the cocaine dealer so he doesn't tell his dog to attack you.
    4. If you have worsening s/s please return to a DIFFERENT hospital
  2. by   ToryAdore
    Quote from Aneroo
    Then it's just hilarous!!!

    "Rip off this man's testicles slowly with dull instruments. Failing that, bring him to me."

    Although I totally agree with TennNurse's thoughts, I still think I'll add her to my "do not ever "PO" list
  3. by   CseMgr1
    RX: Please take the $1800 check you are drawing every month and rent yourself a house or an apartment instead of buying drugs with it...and STAY the %$@!! out of our hospital. Please?!
  4. by   Happy-ER-RN
    Dx: Viral syndrome
    1. A cold does not constitute an emegency at 4am.
    2. Children get sick, throwing up one time is not an emergency.

    Dx: Pneumonia
    The reason your child has pneumonia is because you smoke in the house, that is the only reason, it is completely your fault, and you are a horrible parent.

    Dx: nothing is wrong with you.
    -- It's called a period, it happens oh say, once a month or so, that would explain the cramping and bleeding that happens, oh say, every month.
    -- Go home and take a sh** to relive pain, stop eating Mcdonalds.
    --Here is a prescription for common sense, it can be filled at the 24 hour pharmacy up the street, and no, we don't have free samples, but you can have it added to your ED bill if you wait for the hospitals pharmacy to open at 8am, that way my taxes can pay for your entire bill.

    ehh hee hee, too much fun....:roll
  5. by   TennNurse
    Quote from TennNurse

    Although I totally agree with TennNurse's thoughts, I still think I'll add her to my "do not ever "PO" list

    Why, thank you, Tory! :chuckle
  6. by   hipab4hands
    How about:
    Stopping have sex with high risk/ex IV drug users with a hx of multiple partners.
    If you are going to do above-then use a condom.
    Find out the name of your partner, before having intercourse with them.

    (This is for a patient, who frequently comes in and requests the Morning After pill, due to her "activity.
  7. by   dcastlewood
    It's not really discharge insructions, but I got in trouble the other day for telling a drunk patient with no other problems to stop taking the O2 sat probe off of his finger because I was tired of charging them out and paying for them. What's up with that?
  8. by   Fuzzy
    Here are some that I would like to write from the animal side of things.

    Just because the OTC says it's safe for human use does not mean that it's safe for your dog, cat, ferret, bird.etc. I don't care that you only gave half of the pediactric dose.

    Don't let your dog ride unrestrained in to back of the pick up if you cannot pay the bill to have the leg plated because he "fell" out while you were driving home from the bar.

    What part of don't let your dog chew the wrap don't you understand?

    As you walk by the tattoo parlor on your way home, stop by and have "STUPID" tattooed on your forehead. This way we will be warned when you bring your pet back because you thought that your suture job would be cheaper than the vet's. If you are going to suture a wound, have the common sense to clip and clean it first. Six inch festering wounds at 5:45PM on Friday makes for a moody staff and Dr.

    Fuzzy, CVT
  9. by   Victoriakem
    Here's d/c instructions written by our night ED Doc, for a patient who had been dumped at the door by his "friends", unconscious, & found out later he as drunk & high, surprise, ha :
    "Try not to have another near death experience with drugs & alcohol"
  10. by   ojoern
    Here are a few I'd like to write:

    The wall (or other hard surface) always wins. Tell all your friends. (for the boxer's fx crowd)

    Hamburger that "smells funny" will not be rendered safe by lots of ketchup.

    "Drinking two beers" combined with "minding your own business" have been scientifically proven to result in physical violence every time. Try to avoid this common mistake.

    Sexual intercourse without protection in the form of condom can, and frequently does, result in: pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. Tell all your friends. And use a condom, for all our sakes.

    Soap and water are your friends. Meet with them daily in an unhurried and intimate manner.

    Always remember: Lack of foresight and planning on your part do not constitute an emergency on our part.

    Hope you enjoy,
  11. by   Kidrn911
    Go to an adult hospital next time. This is for all the drunken DePaul students that think because they act like a child, they should come to the children's hospital.
  12. by   Aneroo
    Stop shaving your coochie and coming here in for your ingrown hairs. Shave gel and a decent razor do wonders.
  13. by   StuNurseUP

    For the mom of my 4-year-old pt (several years ago, Easter Sunday, out west) with genital herpes contracted from her father: "Rip off this man's testicles slowly with dull instruments. Failing that, bring him to me." (Very sad, 6-year-old sister also had herpes from Dad, who was under investigation initiated by SANE. Still cry when I think about this kid.)
    Anyone who molests children should be shot where they stand:angryfire