Domestic Violence: The Elephant In The Room

[Ruby Vee]

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. It's a topic that has been addressed online and in print, but one that is excruciatingly difficult to bring up in a face-to-face conversation. I know this as a nurse, because it is awkward and uncomfortable to initiate the conversation with my patients, but I also know this as a survivor.

Recently, when I visited my oncologist, she brought up the topic in a perfunctory sort of way. "Do you feel safe at home?" she asked me, in exactly the same sort of manner she had asked me if my penicillin allergy is still current and if I'm taking my meds daily. She didn't make eye contact and it was clear she desperately wanted my answer to be in the affirmative because she wasn't comfortable discussing a negative. I don't blame her. It wouldn't have been comfortable for me either - on either side of that conversation. The thing is, I haven't always felt safe at home. My parents were violent and, like many survivors of childhood violence, I grew up to be a survivor of the more commonly thought-of domestic violence. Thirty years ago, I lived with a man who hurt me.

In the 1980s, no health care practitioner asked me if I was safe at home. And I wouldn't have known what to answer if one had. Domestic violence occurs at all socio-economic levels, in all strata of society. But it's one of those dirty little secrets that no one wants to admit to. I doubt you will ever encounter a man (at least not in our culture) who admits to beating his wife. (Or to being beaten by her, for that matter, because such things, while more rare, do happen.) And no one wants to be the woman who admits to being beaten. It's stigmatizing.

Thirty years ago, just before I married my abuser, I had a colleague whose live-in boyfriend commonly blackened her eyes when dinner wasn't ready on time. We all saw the black eyes. We all discussed her situation in hushed whispers so Donna wouldn't know we were talking about her. Then there was the day she showed up in our ER, left hand hanging by a thin shred of skin. Her partner had attacked her with an axe. It wasn't until then than Donna was willing to admit to being in an unsafe situation. She was scared to death he would kill her - and rightfully so. I remember discussing the situation with my friends and my soon-to-be husband. "No one would get away with that with ME," I proclaimed arrogantly. "If a man lifted his hand to me, I'd leave him." And I meant it. I thought I knew better. And I DID know better - until I didn't.

It started off slowly enough. He was transferred two thousand miles away from my friends and family. I made new friends, slowly, but that isn't the thing you discuss with a new friend. He became increasingly verbally abusive. He started throwing things. He started throwing things in my direction, which advanced to throwing things at me and then to throwing ME. There was a perfect impression of me in the drywall of our hallway, left when he slammed me against a wall. During one memorable fight, he threw me down a flight of stairs - the concrete stairs of our stoop. That could have killed me. It didn't, but it scared me. I went back into the house, packed a bag and flew to California to stay with my best friend for two weeks. I was too stupid or too ignorant to know how dangerous it was to go back into that house and pack a bag. I didn't understand that leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman. And I was too stupid not to go back when he agreed to get counseling.

Even in the counselor's office, it was excruciatingly embarrassing to admit that *I* was "an abused wife." Imagine how difficult it would be to tell your oncologist or your gynecologist or your PCP such a thing. I felt stigmatized, I felt "less than." It was now my dirty little secret, one that I didn't want anyone to know. And when it did come out, reactions were pretty much what I had envisioned. There was a lot of chest beating and proclamations that "I'd never let a man beat ME." Or "Why didn't you just leave him?"

I didn't leave him for myriad reasons, some valid and others not so much. I didn't want to admit defeat, that my marriage had failed. I had the first divorce in my extended family. I'm pretty sure I wasn't the first wife who endured physical violence. Our lives, finances and possessions were entwined. If you think that's a trivial reason, try to imagine yourself, right this moment getting up from your computer and leaving your home. Don't change your clothes, don't pack a bag. Just get up and walk out of your home with what you're wearing (flannel pajamas and comfy slippers? Ragged jeans and a T shirt) and what you can grab on your way out without slowing. Imagine that you might never be allowed to return to your home. What treasures are in that home that you'll never see again? Your grandmother's engagement ring that she gave you as she lay dying? The family Bible? Your photo albums, your purse, your dog? Your child maybe? Think about that for just a moment.

It's easy enough to SAY that things aren't worth your life. Your children, maybe but not Grandma's ring. But if you haven't lived it, you have no idea what it FEELS like. And until he actually tries to kill you, you may not get it that he might literally do so. Even if you know it in your head, it may not penetrate to that visceral level that demands action.

I left after my then-husband tried to strangle me to death. And because I met him through a blind date arranged by friends, I told those friends exactly why I left him. Then I had to endure dozens of rounds of "He's such a kind, gentle man. He would NEVER do such a thing. You must be making it up." "He's such a friendly, HUMBLE man. He'd never do that." We have all heard the rounds of praise heaped upon the head of a domestic abuser, the disbelief that "someone I know would do such a thing." Anyone who has read this board for more than a month knows that to be true. The knee-jerk expression of those beliefs is just one more type of abuse that the survivor of domestic violence has to face. I lost all of OUR friends, most of mine and even some family members because I finally found my backbone and wouldn't tolerate those kinds of comments, that kind of abuse.

It's not fair that a survivor of domestic violence has to lose her family, her friends, her reputation and her most treasured belongings. It's not fair that she has to listen to people who know HER postulate on how she must be making it up because they KNOW he "isn't that kind of man." None of it is fair.

October is Domestic Violence month. If you are in a relationship where you don't feel safe, make a plan. You don't have to leave right now if you're not ready. But have a copy of your insurance card, your social security card, your birth certificate, your passport somewhere safe where you can get to it but he can't. Keep extra keys. Have your own credit card and bank account, keep some cash. Park your car where it cannot be parked in. Keep your gas tank full. Know a safe place to go and at least three different routes to get there. Know who you would call to pick up your kids at school or daycare if you can't get to them. Have a plan. Please have a plan. Domestic violence doesn't just happen to other people. It can happen to you. It can happen in the wee hours of a holiday morning, on a Monday evening when he's had a bad day at work or his football team is losing or just before you're supposed to show up at your sister's wedding. Don't become a statistic.

For other articles in this series about domestic violence please read:

Domestic Violence: What Leaving Feels Like

Domestic Violence: Rebuilding

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References

Bruised All Over - Nurses play role recognizing and stopping domestic violence.

[letolagal]

Thanks Ruby for sharing.

I'm so glad that you're safe now.

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

Do we really ask patients in front of the significant other if they feel safe at home? and expect an honest answer???

We dont routinely screen in my new area of work, which I think is a shame. however when I was a student, the hospital I worked at would screen every new admission for DV, however that was always when the person was on their own to ensure that I could get an honest answer.

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

if his/she strikes you ONCE, and says, I am sorry, it wont happen again, its time to leave. He/she/it will do it again. Stop making excuses, start looking for an out. He/she has learned this behaviour from their parents, usually the dad. If booze is causing it, LEAVE. If he/she is jobless, they are acting out, time to leave.

Simple answer, not so simple solution.

Go where?

Pay for accomodation with what? Especially when its well documented that abusive partners control the purse strings of their relationships

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

use your imagination..friends, relatives. local safe house. Or next time, call the cops. There is so much domestic abuse going on, its on the rise, since many men cant or wont control themselves, sober or wasted. Sometime we forget that women cause abuse. Women use verbal abuse. Men are more physical. But its media savvy that women get the attention, since its children who are involved.

Given that abusers (and you'll note the gender neutral term) isolate the person they are abusing from their friends and family, often physically. What would you suggest to someone who has no friends or family in the same city.

Abusers will check the phone while they have been away to see who the person has been talking to while they've been away. Its all very well and good saying 'ring the cops". Its not counted as an emergency if the abuser is not at home and all manner of damage can happen before the cops finally do a welfare check.

Tell me, are you actually interested in improving outcomes for victims of domestic violence or are you just here to excrement stir? So far I've seen two victim blaming posts and no actual practical workable suggestions.

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

Six days ago (I actually had to pull up a calendar to check that, it feels like a lifetime), I could have read this article, quite likely without shedding a tear. Six days ago my friend Sue hadn't been taken from us by her coward of a husband. Six days ago the image of her young daughter pleading in front of an auditorium full of Sue's family, friends and students, "I just want you guys to know that my mommy was a a really good person and she was the best mommy ever and I just want her back," wasn't burned into my brain. Today is not six days ago.

Gulp.......

So sorry for your loss

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

Simple answer, not so simple solution.

Go where?

Pay for accomodation with what? Especially when its well documented that abusive partners control the purse strings of their relationships

I think abusive relationships are progressive. They don't start out with one partner having no resources and the other with all the power. At what point does it become too late? The problem has become just too big for any solution. Is there any way to intervene before that tipping point?

The first time you find out you're not on the checking account? The first time you don't have your own cell phone? The first tine you have to account for where you were? The first time you get slapped?

[RNsRWe, ASN, RN]

I would never wish that any harm came to anyone, no matter how much I may despise the individual. I'm thinking, though, that I DO wish that anyone who places blame for abuse on the VICTIM should have to KNOW someone who has been abused....BELIEVE that the victim had been abused...and therefore gain an understanding of just how hurtful, harmful, and plain old MEAN those blame-placing comments are.

It is all very fine to sit in judgment of what a victim should have done differently if you yourself do not understand the gravity of the situation. And based on some of the EDITED comments I read, I can only imagine how impossibly MEAN the original comments must have been.

I won't go into the whole "you'[re a nurse, you're supposed to be compassionate, caring..." etc nonsense....but I WILL say that I find some people's complete inability to recognize a situation that calls for compassion from most any normal human being and instead tosses pain at the victims to be INCREDIBLY cruel.

[Farawyn]

I think abusive relationships are progressive. They don't start out with one partner having no resources and the other with all the power. At what point does it become too late? The problem has become just too big for any solution. Is there any way to intervene before that tipping point?

The first time you find out you're not on the checking account? The first time you don't have your own cell phone? The first tine you have to account for where you were? The first time you get slapped?

The first time you allow his feelings over your own, and you get nothing in return, or worse yet, total disregard.

That's where it starts.

[CarryThatWeight, BSN]

Something I haven't seen a lot of talk about here is the emotional connection. As was pointed out, abusers don't start out as abusers. They are often loving, especially in the beginning. Part of the reason people don't want to leave is because they have grown to love their partner and remember the good times. They desperately want those good times to return, and a lot of time the abuser blames them for the bad times. I know for me, I believed him when he said it was my fault. I was crazy, I was being argumentative. I thought if I could just act better and be better things would go back to the way they were. I'd make excuses for him. He had a stressful day. He is worried about his parents' health, etc. I know that deep down he is a good person and that if I only (do whatever)... He'll be that person again. It's an emotional attachment that is hard to break. Abusers often break down the self esteem of their partners, so when the bad behavior can't be denied and must be faced, the abused person doesn't think he/she could get any better or deserves any better. It's an emotional battle, and the abused get broken down. We often believe the lies and don't see a way out.

Just my two cents.

[poppycat, ADN, BSN]

Something I haven't seen a lot of talk about here is the emotional connection. As was pointed out, abusers don't start out as abusers. They are often loving, especially in the beginning. Part of the reason people don't want to leave is because they have grown to love their partner and remember the good times. They desperately want those good times to return, and a lot of time the abuser blames them for the bad times. I know for me, I believed him when he said it was my fault. I was crazy, I was being argumentative. I thought if I could just act better and be better things would go back to the way they were. I'd make excuses for him. He had a stressful day. He is worried about his parents' health, etc. I know that deep down he is a good person and that if I only (do whatever)... He'll be that person again. It's an emotional attachment that is hard to break. Abusers often break down the self esteem of their partners, so when the bad behavior can't be denied and must be faced, the abused person doesn't think he/she could get any better or deserves any better. It's an emotional battle, and the abused get broken down. We often believe the lies and don't see a way out.

Just my two cents.

You're absolutely right. Usually by the time the physical abuse starts, the abuser has the victim believing she/he has no option other than to stay. I was one who also believed the abuse was my fault. That's what he made me believe by repeatedly telling me it was & that I deserved it.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Something I haven't seen a lot of talk about here is the emotional connection. As was pointed out, abusers don't start out as abusers. They are often loving, especially in the beginning. Part of the reason people don't want to leave is because they have grown to love their partner and remember the good times. They desperately want those good times to return, and a lot of time the abuser blames them for the bad times. I know for me, I believed him when he said it was my fault. I was crazy, I was being argumentative. I thought if I could just act better and be better things would go back to the way they were. I'd make excuses for him. He had a stressful day. He is worried about his parents' health, etc. I know that deep down he is a good person and that if I only (do whatever)... He'll be that person again. It's an emotional attachment that is hard to break. Abusers often break down the self esteem of their partners, so when the bad behavior can't be denied and must be faced, the abused person doesn't think he/she could get any better or deserves any better. It's an emotional battle, and the abused get broken down. We often believe the lies and don't see a way out.

Just my two cents.

Agreed.

My abuser had an emotional breakdown the previous year and was undiagnosed mood disorder; he was attempting to isolate me from my family and even a mutual childhood friend; he didn't hit me in the beginning either; he dragged me around the family room because I called out from work when I was in pain from having a small fracture in two neck vertebrae. He once hit me once in the nose; he bent my fingers back and broke/dislocated my fingers (buddy tape works) and would step on my foot before pushing me or dragging me.

He would deny abusing me; asking where I got my bruises, when I would respond that he was abusing me he would state that he was not abusing me and state "I never hit you." So even the thought of hitting can be on plenty of people's minds as abuse, never the emotional mind games, or the monetary or even sexual abuse doesn't even come to mind.

[Hospicegal90]

Abusers are experts at what they do. Our relationships started out as a 'normal' beginning. The abuser is the one to rescue, help, be there when we need them. We don't see that they are simply showing the side the rest of the world is shown. We haven't experienced their other side yet. Why would we ever think something sinister lies beneath such a wonderful exterior?

I entered into a relationship with my abuser much too quickly. That in itself is a red flag but I'd never been in an abusive relationship so I was unaware that was a sign. The abuse begins after a triggering event in which the abuser feels comfortable that the victim won't be able to leave easily, such as moving in together, a physical issue rendering the victim unable to leave or an emotionally sensitive time.

He seemed like such a great person.