I have been present at many deaths, and have always been in control of my emotions.
Last week, I worked with a pt that I have know for some time. My age, similar backgrounds and experiences--only she has a disease that is ending her life prematurely. She went down on my shift within a few hours and was switched to comfort care measures only.
Telling her brother that she was non responsive was one of the most difficult things I have done. I cried. Not out of control but it was obvious by looking at me that I had cried. (one of the banes of my life--fair skinned and crying leaves tell-tale signs) I handled my job well, and if pts asked me what was wrong, I replied that sometimes sad things happen on our floor.
One of my fellow nurses said showing signs of crying made me look weak and that I might have lost respect from my patients. I don't agree/ I think that showing signs of caring is a good thing. I didn't lose control. I managed my job well. Both the family/Dr and I were glad that I was that woman's nurse.
Do you think showing signs of (managed not uncontrollable) grief or stress "weakens" us in the eyes of patients?
I have cried many times and I do not think that it makes me a weak or bad nurse. There are just too many heartbreaking situations that I have come across while working. However, death does not always make me sad. There are many cases where it was a true blessing and on the inside I am happy for that poor soul that was finally able to find peace. I do mourn for the family that will miss that person.
I think the fact that you were able to cry with the family makes you a careing nurse. Do not let what that other nurse said to you get to you. Men in general just look at things differently than women do.
That is bull, I would rather have a nurse that shows emotion than nothing at all. That nurse has obviously been a nurse way to long, and really hardened her heart. Although i do agree you have to harden your heart, it doesn't need to be steel!!!! You did fine, you are human, and a nurse. It takes a very special person to be a nurse. We can't take our jobs that seriously!
Specializes in Flight, ER, Transport, ICU/Critical Care.
No.
I have cried with a few patients and with many more families. Never out of control, snot dripping and breath taking heaves - but, yep, I have had to "share" moments of brutal heartbreak.
I have had the uncontrolled, snotty, breathless episodes too - I just try very hard to wait till I am in a private, emotionally safe place.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings and sharing grief may not lessen it, but it does make it easier.
Showing signs of grief and/or stress certainly does not make you look weak...It makes you look human!
My mom passed away in 2006 at the young age of 53. She had fought a courageous battle against colon cancer for upwards of 10 years. During her final year of life, my mom was cared for at home by loving family, friends, and hospice. During that year's time she had become very attached to her hospice nurse, as did my entire family.
My mom passed away at about 8:30 P.M. on a Friday night, and her hospice nurse made it a point to stop by the house during nonworking hours to be there at her bedside when she passed. I remember seeing the hospice nurse cry after my mom took her last breaths, and to be honest it really touched my heart and still does. I was equally touched when I saw the hospice nurse at my mom's funeral mass. It felt so wonderful knowing how much she truly cared for my mother and for my entire family. I respect her a great deal for wearing her emotions on her sleeve and for showing that she held a special place in her heart for my dear mom. Til this day, my family still stays in touch with that kind, caring hospice nurse and we all hold a special place in our hearts for her. By no means did my family and I view her crying as a sign of weakness; it only reinforced to us how strong her character truly is. She is a friend for life!
You know, I think the unfortunate thing is that the guy who gave you the advice was a guy. It sounds like he showed some emotion for a patient at some time and was shuned for doing it. Might have been shuned by the patient, but I'd think it just as likely that his co-workers (mostly women) probably gave him some grief for the action also. I'm sorry, but over all working with women is almost the worst part of being a nurse. We are so snarky. I think it far more likely that someone who sees a female nurse crying for her patient is an Angel and a male nurse crying for his patient is a Wuss. That's not how it should be, but to many it still is that way. Women are just as uncomfortable with male emotions as men are.
(I'm talking majority here, I know there are exceptions.)
As usual, your words are sweet and your reasoning sound, canes. I completely agree with the assessment that showing emotion is certainly NOT a weakness.....
Nanik-
Please allow me to give you my two cents on this very personal issue, and I apologize in advance for the lengthiness.
I used to be a graphic artist for Kodak. I was paid to play all day. It was awesome! Both of my parents were professionals and didn't really see the value of artistic work. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a cancer researcher. Because of my mother, I was always intrigued with medicine. I used to accompany her to her lab as a child and she would show me how to use a microscope, and how to identify microorganisms. She even taught me how to prepare an agar plate for cultures.
Mom was dx with Stage IV renal small cell ca at the age of 50. Her prognosis was 6 months at best. She lived for a year, in large part because she loved to give the finger to someone who told her what she 'couldn't do'.
When Mom was in the last stages of death, the whole family was in her room as she was dying. My dad, my mother's best friend, the hospice nurse, and all 4 kids held hands, encircling her bed as the priest read the Last Rites for Mom. It was only when I looked over at the hospice nurse; this angel in my eyes who had given the moon and the stars to my mother during her illness, was absolutely dependable when called upon, was strong, intelligent and composed at each visit, that I realized how much she cared for my mother-her patient-as I witnessed her sobbing along with us. Her unabashed emotions struck a deep chord within me and something 'clicked.'
I enrolled in nursing school as soon as I returned home from Mom's funeral. That was 17 years ago. I am forever grateful to that wonderful hospice nurse for showing that she cared. She cried with us. She didn't try to hide it, she didn't try to be the 'strong rock of reason'. She was HUMAN. She changed the course of my life simply by showing how much she cared for her patient.
There is something to be said for having restraint in your emotions when dealing with a heartbreaking patient. You should be professional, of course. However, shedding a tear when you see your pt leave this world is never something to be regretful about.
Crying definitely doesn't make you look weak. That was an ignorant statement from your co-worker. As long as you're not sobbing so much that you're unable to fulfill your duties or to the point where the patient/family has to comfort you...it's ok. Crying makes you look human. I recall a time where I had a 21 year old trauma patient die and all of the nurses were crying with the family and trying to comfort them as much as we could. All we really could do was cry and hug them. A couple weeks later that family wrote a letter about how great the nurses were despite the situation. So I definitely don't think crying is a weakness.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
That is bull, I would rather have a nurse that shows emotion than nothing at all. That nurse has obviously been a nurse way to long, and really hardened her heart. Although i do agree you have to harden your heart, it doesn't need to be steel!!!! You did fine, you are human, and a nurse. It takes a very special person to be a nurse. We can't take our jobs that seriously!
If you'd read more carefully, you'd have noted that the other nurse was male, and that the OP said very helpful to her and shared his own reason why he no longer cries.
Why does someone always have to take a bash at experienced/older nurses?
Specializes in Acute Care Cardiac, Education, Prof Practice.
I too support that crying is sometimes part of our jobs as well. We too have grief and loss with patients we care for. I cried with my patients family the first time I lost a patient, and I only had her for four hours. I think your co-worker was well meaning and I believe there might be a place in time for the two of you to really discuss the implications of showing emotion, as he might need to know that it is indeed ok for him too :)
When Mom was in the last stages of death, the whole family was in her room as she was dying. My dad, my mother's best friend, the hospice nurse, and all 4 kids held hands, encircling her bed as the priest read the Last Rites for Mom. It was only when I looked over at the hospice nurse; this angel in my eyes who had given the moon and the stars to my mother during her illness, was absolutely dependable when called upon, was strong, intelligent and composed at each visit, that I realized how much she cared for my mother-her patient-as I witnessed her sobbing along with us. Her unabashed emotions struck a deep chord within me and something 'clicked.'
Canes-
I am so sorry about your mom... but thank you for sharing your heart-felt story. Amazing!:redbeathe I'm a hospice nurse, and when I have difficult days at work, I will think about you and your mom. Truly.
JB2007, ASN, RN
554 Posts
I have cried many times and I do not think that it makes me a weak or bad nurse. There are just too many heartbreaking situations that I have come across while working. However, death does not always make me sad. There are many cases where it was a true blessing and on the inside I am happy for that poor soul that was finally able to find peace. I do mourn for the family that will miss that person.
I think the fact that you were able to cry with the family makes you a careing nurse. Do not let what that other nurse said to you get to you. Men in general just look at things differently than women do.