Doctors Say the Darnedest Things

Trvlnrs2 · May 8, 2017

The young Dr comes up to the nurses station looking for the nurse for "room 3". Coworkers sitting at the nurses station explain I'm in room 1. The Dr comes to room 1 and tells me he needs to see me for a minute. I apologize to the pt in room one, wash my hands go and have to find the Dr. He tells me "Oh .. the pt in room 3 needs help with his TV remote". ðŸ¤”ðŸ‘€. NURSE!!!!..... to the rescue once again!

bjfuller · May 8, 2017

While working one day we had a female patient come in complaining of calf pain. She told the doctor that she works late nights and wears heels. He really had no idea what her profession was and kept asking her questions about the pain. When he left the room he said " I am really puzzled as to why she has such pain, she states she doesn't do much during the day and only wears her high heels at night for a few hours" I made him stop and really think about all the questions he had asked her. When it finally "clicked" his face turned about 50 shades of red and said "No way!! She's a stripper!? She doesn't look like one in those sweat pants!"

Gennnnna · May 8, 2017

I had a patient who was in her mid 80s and had bacon for breakfast every morning. While she was in the hospital we had her on a cardiac heart healthy diet which doesn't allow for bacon... So the hospitalist wrote a communication order stating: "patient may have unlimited bacon" and changed her diet to regular. He then said, "if she can't eat it all, page me."

maji2002 · May 8, 2017

I was a new nurse just out of school. An older, very straight laced, dignified Neurologist was performing a spinal tap at the bedside, which I assisted. Afterword, I was charting and he came out and asked me, "Do you know how we test for sugar in cerebrospinal fluid? Come here, I will show you." I dutifully followed, certain I was going to learn a new and valuable skill and gain knowledge that would be critically useful. We walked into the med room and he had a specimen cup of clear fluid, and said, "This is how we test, pay close attention...." and he gulped it like a shot of whiskey!!!! I am sure my jaw dropped to the floor, and the look on my face was a combination of pure horror and disbelief, which made him laugh and laugh, and so did I when I realized I had been pranked! Since then, I am significantly less gullible, But I still chuckle when I think of it.

Loriedaviz80 · May 8, 2017

Young doctor checking out newborns and each one as he removes the diapers ores on him. He looks at me and says, "Well I've passed them all off, my work here is done."

Kimmedic · May 8, 2017

MD educating patient who has an ingrown pubic hair that has caused a small abscess. Pt had been shaving pubic hair to groom. "You don't need to be doing this stuff (pointing at pt's groin). You need to be like me and go au naturale" (points at his own groin, lifts his eyebrows, and nods his head). MD is late 50s. Gross.

Corbettl · May 8, 2017

Once we had a patient whose first name was Drake. The doctor, in his note, casually wrote the line he started from the bottom now he's here.

maji2002 · May 8, 2017

I worked in a cath lab. A very large patient had been over sedated and needed to be reversed, which caused him to become extremely restless and was bending his legs with a femoral sheath in place. The velco knee restraint had been removed as we were getting ready to transfer him to our transport cart. I ended up having to get up on the table to literally sit on his knees to keep them still and patient was still moving his legs enough to move me a bit, but not bend the sheath while the restraint was retrieved to be reapplied. A different cardiologist walks by and sees me and says, "I'll have what he's having!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that in spite of the situation. AHHH good times.... The patient was fine and didn't get a hematoma.

Nik314 · May 8, 2017

Working in a pediatric office the Dr said to a young mother "what are you doing with another baby? You can't take care of the 4 you have"

avyloki · May 8, 2017

I needed blood cultures drawn from an IJ line and because my floor is not critical care, we are not allowed to do so. I called the house officer and the one who came was a brand new doctor. It was July after all! I handed him the supplies he would need and told him the room number and all of that.

Ten minutes later he came back over to me asking if I could unhook the IV fluids because he "didn't want the patient to bleed all over and stuff." Yes, that is a quote and my first raised eyebrow. I go with him into the room and cap the IV. Now curious I stay to 'assist' him. He fumbles with the supplies and then takes the syringe with the big needle still attached and starts to go after the IV port. I interject before he can actually puncture anything and tell him, "um, you don't need the needle on there. It's a needle-less system." Poor guy was bright red. I coached him through the rest of it and after he told me this was his first week.

Krstnvro · May 8, 2017

I had a urologist come in to insert a foley at bedside because no one else was able to get one in due to severe retraction. The urologist was having a pretty hard time and says to the patient, "Have you ever even seen your member???" It was really hard to keep a straight face.

Cwiddy · May 8, 2017

"For $3,000 a day, You'll do it because I tell you to do it." Said a renal attending to a PICU nurse. This after asking me to do an activity ever 15 minutes for 12 hours. I had informed her it was an impossible task and if she would accept a more doable alternative.