Divorce And Affairs????

SICU Queen · Mar 20, 2002

School is a HUGE stress on a marriage. Hubby #1 and I separated during my second clinical semester and later divorced.

Hubby #2 is in his third clinical semester (he's an LPN now) and we split up during his second semester. We have reconciled to a certain extent (we live next door to each other, don't laugh, it works for now :) ) and are in counseling. We are both very hopeful for our future together and realize that the stress of him going to school set us over the edge, but it's been a long road.

School can be very rewarding, but it is also LOTS of work, and NOT as easy as Mario might think. (But yes Mario, it's FUN too.) Keep the communication channels open wide, and try to make sure your husband understands the time commitment that you'll have to put into schoolwork. It can be a lot at times. Assure him too, though, that it's for a finite time and soon you'll both be enjoying the financial rewards.

Good luck...

CATHYW · Mar 20, 2002

Most folks here have already covered most of things I would've said, but Renee did a jam up job!

One point that has been touched on, but not emphasized, is the fact that getting an education as a nurse gives you financial independence. Not wealth, mind you, but independence. Many men, Renee's among them, and my ex, are threatened by that. This financial independence gives many the means to literally change the direction of their lives. It may be finally enough money to split from the person that they'd been wanting to divorce for years. It may be the realization that they have the wherewithal (echoes of Renee;) ) to handle the stresses and challenges of life with, or without, a partner.

I also believe that nursing gives nurses a perspective on life that only firemen and policemen (and women, of course) see. Ever wonder why these folks hang out at the ER when they don't have to? We see people at some of the worst, most painful, or problematic times of their lives, and help them through. Living this at work, and being able to handle it, makes what you are going through at home look like a cake-walk. You already know you can handle the tough stuff every day, so you begin to think that your spouse can either get on the bandwagon to make the marriage work with their nurse spouse, or make plans to live alone!:stone

mom22 · Mar 20, 2002

I think some women go to nursing school planning to get independent of a crummy spouse (my sister did this) , and I think others realize after graduation that they no longer need to keep a crappy spouse. I'm also sure many more go to school just to become nurses.

Of course, it's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Trauma Columnist · Mar 21, 2002

Having been married 22 years, I guess I have some expertise here. My husband did 23 years in the air force, retired in 1995. We have moved 10 times in that time, had two sons, went thru multiple ICU admits with oldest son for severe asthma, dealt with death of his father, mother and my mother (currently my dad is in hospital recovering from CVA), have a son who is severely mentally ill - hospitalized numerous times, on meds, ect., and yet we both managed to go to school and finish ten years ago (in our 30's).

The only thing that kept us going through all that - and the good times far outweigh the bad was a sense of humor and faith. I can honestly say that I love my husband more today than when we married. He's smart, funny, honest and above all, has integrity.

My husband doesn't quite understand why I absolutely love the ER, but I can't understand how he loves teaching inner city high school kids. As we have aged and our relationship has changed, it has gotten more fulfilling, not less.

CATHYW · Mar 21, 2002

\Good for you, Traumarus! You sound like my Mom and Dad. They have been married for 53 years!

st4304 · Mar 21, 2002

A couple of years ago, my sister started college in computer science. Her husband was definitely threatened by this and gave her absolutely NO support at all. My mom helped her pay for it since her husband would not give her a dime.

After a while, everything that was wrong in their marriage became "her fault" because according to this loser, he felt she believed her schooling was more important than their kids or marriage.

He had a bachelor's degree and she was a high school grad. I truly believe he was afraid she would become smarter than him and he would lose some of his "control". He liked her at home barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.

The more education she got, she began to develop self-confidence and self-esteem and started standing up to him. She finally did get smart and kicked him out! He still blames her for breaking up their "happy family" when he was the one who was screwing around on her.

On the other hand, my husband is totally supportive of anything I would choose to do that would better myself! He's not controlling in any way. Our marriage is 50-50 and always has been. We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 20 years. I was a stay-at-home Mom who did everything. When I went back to school after 12 years of marriage, he learned to cook hamburger helper and grilled cheese. He discovered where the girls' underwear drawers were and and even learned how to braid hair! (We have three daughters) I feel my nursing career actually helped our marriage because it helped him to understand how hard it is to be a mom with all the chores, running, etc.

The only time my nursing career caused problems was when I had been on the night shift for over three years and he asked me if I would try to get on days. When I asked why, he replied that he just wanted to sleep at night with me next to him in bed. He really missed me. Even though I loved working nights and my nightshift co-workers, my husband and family are my first priority and I switched to dayshift. I have to admit, it is pretty nice to climb into bed with him everynight. . .

I guess my point is if your partner is not supportive of you returning to school (for anything, not just nursing) then returning to school will definitely add stress. You have to ask yourself what is best for you. What are the odds your marriage is going to make it if you drop out of school for him/her? Probably slim(>50% of all marriages now end in divorce). At least with an education, you could support yourself if marriage failed.

However, if I ever thought that my "profession as a nurse" was in itself causing problems in my marriage, I would change careers in a heartbeat. I love nursing, but my family and marriage are my top priorities and are more important to me.

Do I see more divorces among nurses than other careers? No. I think divorce is a "trend" everywhere across the spectrum.

Love to all of you out there fighting the fight,

mario_ragucci · Mar 21, 2002

Are all nurses married or divorced? Let's here it for the real INDIVIDUALS out there who understand what self-reliance is. Let's here it for those folks who enjoy having 100% of their own time....all the time. Folks who celebrate and exercise personal choice in all they do.

Surely someone can share a story about THEIR life. Is every nurse either married, or a re-tred?

And while I'm here, why do so many (seemly) confident women always marry "zero" guys? Jeez, all the cool women I'd like to have dinner with are all married to homely guys. I don't get it.

aimeee, BSN, RN · Mar 21, 2002

Originally posted by mario_ragucci
And while I'm here, why do so many (seemly) confident women always marry "zero" guys? Jeez, all the cool women I'd like to have dinner with are all married to homely guys. I don't get it.

Maybe those guys that look like zeros on the outside are solid gold on the inside? Treat her with respect, cherish her, act as a true partner? And maybe have other talents and qualities that don't show until you really know them? Just guessing.

mario_ragucci · Mar 21, 2002

It's hard for Mario to consider people like hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Maybe your refering to "bedroom demeanour"

My sister marries guys like this. Beauty does, truely, lie in the eyes of the beholder. Oh well.

Perhaps I'd find a woman who is emotionless and cold as ice to be very attractive. They are more hard to see, I guess, compared to homely, henpecked men :-)

"would someone please explain....the reasoon for this strange behavior"

babs_rn · Mar 21, 2002

Divorced for 8 years and...thanks to the shifts...a noncustodial mom. Sucks, doesn't it?

In a relationship now, but having to work every other weekend and having the kids every other weekend leaves no "couple-time" for us. And believe me, i hear about it and I agree. It's not right nor fair to him. Fortunately, I've just accepted a dialysis position. No weekends so that should help some, and it'll get me off this night rotation.

My theory about why nursing and relationships don't mix well is this: It takes a codependent person to become a nurse. Eventually we outgrow that (hopefully) but then here we are with all these years invested in a career that we have basically used to define who and what we are. We don't tell people we nurse for a living...we ARE nurses. It is a part of us. At some point you either are constantly burned out or you learn to move past that codependency on to becoming something more assertive, demanding, ....in other words, we learn over time that we don't have to put up with everything we used to put up with. Part of it is life growth but I believe that growth process is accelerated in a field such as ours if one is to survive it with his/her sanity intact. This growth process not only changes the context of a relationship, it bewilders the other partner who was used to one kind of person and now has another to deal with. Second, the hours alone put a big strain on the relationship...and not just the hours you're gone, but the length of time it can take to recover from your "on" time. I used to come home from the ER feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. Took me 2 days to get back to normal after 2-3 12-hr shifts. Geez, by then it was time to go back again, so it is so easy to fall into the trap of all you're doing is working and sleeping. Working and sleeping. What kind of marriage or relationship is THAT? Another thing I have a problem with, and I think lots of folks will agree....we deal with so much really heavy stuff. Life and death. People's tragedies. If you work with that on a frequent basis, it will take its toll on you and if you're not careful, you'll be the rain on every parade. Anxiety can set in (you only see the bad stuff that happens because you are where the bad stuff goes, especially if you're in an ER) and before you know it, you've socially paralyzed yourself.

Bottom line...put your family first. To hell with what people think nurses are supposed to be. It's not for you to sacrifice everything, as conventional thinking would have you to believe. Gotta take care of the home front or there won't be a home front to take care of. Try to be the kind of partner to your husband that you would want him to be for you.

Hey, it's a start.

Babs

leesonlpn · Mar 21, 2002

Mario I hope your term re-tred doesn't refer to someone remarried, or there will be tread on your forehead.

nurs4kids · Mar 21, 2002

Doesn't nursing get blamed for enough stuff w/o being the culprit of divorce??? I just don't see where a career can be THE reason for divorce. I imagine there are underlying problems waaay before a nursing career becomes the issue.

I'm very happily married to a non-medical man. He just finished his degree, we have two small kids and I work nights. It wasn't easy while he was in school and working FT, me working nights and a one and two year old, BUT through love and dedication, all is possible. If our marriage failed tomorrow, I'd never try to blame it on nursing...it'd have to be something much larger.