Divorce And Affairs????

Momma_Penguin · Mar 21, 2002

I feel my answer/ opinion is so against the norm.... my husband was permanently laid off from his 15 yr job and suggested that if I wanted to go to school, it was time to try. I did all the pre req's and we both were students at the same time. Our kids said their mom & dad were going to school too. I got nuttin but support from him, and I gave him support too. I went all day, came home, we had dinner and then he went all evening. His classes were 18 mos, my LPN program 12 mos. I think that we got through it with lots of hard work and love. We both lost our Mother's that year, so there was more support we had to give each other. I think if it's good solid marriage it will withstand a lot. If he or she can't help you or support you then it will probably not make it. I have been an LPN for 7 years. He is the non medical hard working husband. I am happy to say we just celebrated 17 years. Like Collin Raye said....Thru it all, Love remains. :) :) Laura LPN

OBNURSEHEATHER · Mar 21, 2002

Originally posted by leesonlpn
Mario I hope your term re-tred doesn't refer to someone remarried, or there will be tread on your forehead.

Glad to see I wasn't the only one taken by this use of words.

Mario, a woman may be with a man that is sub-standard in your opinion (you used the word homely), but there is alot more to a person that can't be seen, and that has absolutely nothing to do with their "bedroom demeanour". You hit it on the head, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, and it isn't your place to analyze why one chooses the partner they do. You'll find yours eventually, and I'm sure you wouldn't want a single guy whispering behind your back "WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM?"

Back to the topic at hand. I agree with the posters here who believe that nursing school alone cannot end a marriage. There were problems with that marriage before, either apparent or underlying. I do believe that a woman's move towards a career of her own and financial independence will intensify these problems. Unfortunately nursing school ends up being the scapegoat of an insecure man.

Heather

mario_ragucci · Mar 21, 2002

All right Captain Heather !!!! You know I'm just kidding around with "re-tred." It's really a military term used to describe a person who has been demoted and lost rank, then gains it back again. "a re-tred lance corporal" I've observed how marriage changes peoples lives, and divorce changes'em too. Like a double whammy. Sometimes i wish I could meet some off these wonderful women BEFORE they got married and divorced. Often, a woman sees this experience as some sort of "right of passage" and don't take seriously a guy who hasn't been through the same.

JMP · Mar 21, 2002

I have been around the block a few times Mario, and never have I heard someone thing of man who has NOT been married and divorced as not having a " right of passage".

If you want to meet someone BEFORE they make the fatal mistake of not going out with you first.... how can you do that? Start dating teenagers maybe?

In my large nursing class, of over 100, only 42 graduated. I mentioned this on an earlier post. Many of the RN's that graduated where single, never married types in their 20's. They where smart, fun loving, ambitious and NOT LOOKING to get married. They where dating though.

Being married and divorced and even remarried happens to be a part of some people's lives. They get older, wiser and make choices that make more sense. However, it is not a RIGHT of PASSAGE. It just happens.

Without being accused of bashing here, Mario I think maye your ego is getting in the way of making some of your choices. You are a guy, like any other guy, trying to find his place in world. You will.

weekendnurse · Mar 21, 2002

Sherri, are you sure you aren't MY sister???? LOL My then-hubby was the exact same as your sister's. NO support, even tried to make it harder for me, although at first he was supposedly "behind me", until he realized that at the end of the road, I wouldn't be dependent on him for financial security anymore. Then the support turned to extreme negativity.

Our marriage had been in trouble for a long time before that, I was just too blind to see it. We started living together while in our 20's, and I already had 2 kids, and I thought our "lifestyle" was the norm. It wasn't. I was seldom allowed to drive a car (we had 2) and was given an "allowance" to go to the store.... change was due when I returned, along with the receipt to make sure I didn't keep any. I was to be home almost all the time, although it was okay for him to go out with his friends and drink all night. He even resented the time I spent visiting with my mom, although she lived in the same small town.

Once I started school, I had to ride back and forth to college with someone I knew from high school that was also going to nursing school. My schooling was paid for by the government, I was on welfare and had no income, no job, no training. MY friends? What friends?? Didn't have any..... found out much later that he was always telling everyone what a b*tch I was, etc. etc. etc. No wonder none of his friend's wives wanted to talk to me! A couple of times he even -physically- prevented me from going to school, which was scary since every day counted and if you missed more than x number of days, you were automatically out because you would have missed too much to keep up. Ironically this happened during my last month of school, a desperate last attempt on his part, I guess, to make sure I didn't make it through. There were even a couple of times when he verbalized that he knew I was going to leave him once I finished school....... actually I hadn't consciously planned on it (still too stupid) but it did turn out that way in the end.

We had a huge fight and he left me with no money, no car, all the bills unpaid, and 3 kids, with 3 weeks of school left. One of his friends came by looking for him that night, and when he found out what was going on he stepped in to help me out for the next month so I could finish school; he paid off my utility bills, loaned me his car to use, and watched my kids for me while I went to school. He literally saved my life, as I don't think I would have been able to deal with all of that without him. (I later found out that he was shocked by the way I was being treated, but figured it was none of his business).

Needless to say, I divorced the idiot immediately after graduating, which then led to an extremely messy custody battle over our daughter. Sheesh, he never gave up trying to make my life miserable. He is now deceased (another long story, suffice it to say I think it was stress that killed him as he was only 29).

Me? I make enough money to live comfortably and give my kids things that I never had, and do things we could never afford to do when I was growing up. I'm married to an absolutely wonderful man who supports me in whatever I want to do, (he's so laid-back and agreeable it's almost aggravating sometimes! LOL) We -never- fight, and have an "argument" maybe once every 6 months. :) We share everything 50/50; he watches the kids while I work double shifts on weekends, and has learned how to cook simple dinners, do laundry, and generally be "Mr. Mom" when needed. People think we're newly-weds as we're often holding hands and cuddling even after 12 years of marriage.

Where did I find this gem? Oh, he's the ex's "friend" who helped me out during that last desperate month of nursing school! :)

TJ

TracyB,RN, RN · Mar 21, 2002

Renee & JMP, boy, that is all too familiar. My ex used to absolutely torment me while I was in LPN school. He would hide my books, my clinical uniforms & that dreaded cap, he would tear up my papers. It was crazy. He was so against me succeeding, it was shameful. Fortunately, I had some great classmates & instructors. A friend of mine would take my uniform home with her & wash it for me, kept it with her until our next clinicals.

the weird thing was, he would tell everyone he talked to about how "proud" that his wife was going to be a nurse. It was not an uncommon occurence to have loud boisterous parties the night before any test or exams. I had my mom check my mail every day, when it was close to time for my results & that LPN license to come in the mail. She got it before he did. I left as soon as I had that license.

hubby # 2 is wonderful. SO supportive while I went back to school for my ADN. I only worked part-time, but he did all the cooking & most of the cleaning, so I had time to study & be an attentive mom. Too bad I didn't meet him first :)

pkmom · Mar 21, 2002

neat story.

I've heard people talk about marriage being 50/50 and I dont' think that is how it is supposed to be. Sometimes my husband is burdened with stuff at work or other things in life and at those times it could be 80/20. At other times I am overworked and stressed or whatever and it goes the other way say 10/90. sometimes we both give it all we have but we have nothing left, then we have devine intervention. If i just hold up my half of the bargain, that doesn't help him if he's having a hard time. When life's stresses get to me and I can't meet my 50%, what kind of person am I. Nothing in our house is 50/50. He makes all the $ right now, I'm a student. I do most the chores, cook most of the meals, and take care of our son. I still have $, he still does chores and cooks and has his own responsibilities, but it is not 50/50 and it works. We meet each others needs as they appear.

weekendnurse · Mar 21, 2002

I suppose saying "50/50" isn't really correct, in light of your response. :) You actually said it better than I did; my meaning was that we share everything and never feel as if one person is doing more load-wise, or the other is getting "shafted"........ if one needs more support than usual, they get it, and knows that when/if the situation were reversed, they would get the same treatment. You're right; it's never 50/50, we simply give whatever's needed when it's needed, and are happy to do so! :)

babs_rn · Mar 21, 2002

...meanwhile, I continue to struggle for some "normal" working hours that will allow me to go to my kids' recitals and games, not only have the visitation weekends off work but also to be worth something when they're with me (instead of being too tired to move) and to be a part of a couple (and be worth something to him) and actually be able to go out to dinner and dancing on a friday or saturday night and...dare I say it? To have time and energy to have friends!!!

I don't think that's too much to ask. And I don't think it's too much for my partner to ask to have a partner who can do those things either.

Quality of life is everything. But you have to make a living too. Somewhere there's got to be a happy medium. Most nursing positions don't allow that.

Babs

st4304 · Mar 21, 2002

weekendnurse: Hello, Sis! God, I can't believe your story is almost identical to my sister's. However, her ex is still very much alive. He still continues to attempt to control her life, however. When she has a date and he is to pick up the kids, he is always late. So she has started telling him earlier times trying to get him there at the right time, but he is still late. I personally think he sits in his car somewhere and watches until her date shows up and makes them wait! The way he uses their kids just kills me. Please, I have to change the subject before I implode!

pkmom, I guess 50/50 isn't what I meant either. What I meant was my husband is my "partner" in life. We share everything: the good things, the bad things, the load, the fun. If I need time alone, he respects that, and vice versa.

We have been through alot together. I was violently sexually molested at age 11 and at age 15 he lost his father to sudden death of a heart attach and had to take care of his mother (who to this day cannot make a single decision without consulting him, but that is another post. . .***to refresh everyone's memory, I am the one who got 2 cans of apple pie filling for Xmas from her mother-in-law. Aaaah!). We started dating when I was 14 and he was 16. For a long time he sensed there was something about me that was very fragile without knowing what had happened to me and I think this was because he had had to mature at such an early age. I truly believe I became the independent, self-assured woman I am today because of him. . .Hey, I gotta go. I just have to go hug my man!!!

Hey Mario? You don't happen to get to Indiana very much do ya? I know the sweetest young woman! Drop dead gorgeous, a pharmacist, a redhead, pretty green eyes,. . .

Bye Bye!

Jenny P · Mar 22, 2002

I've been an RN for 33 years and have been HAPPILY married for 27 years tomorrow (Sorry, gang, I just HAD to post our anniversary here!). My husband thinks the sun rises and sets on ME (!!!?!???); but at the same time, I think HE is the most fantastic guy in the world. Is he drop dead gorgeous? No, he's always been "portly" shall we say, and his hairline keeps receding farther back on his head. (He just interuppted me to read the screen saver on his computer-- it says: "My WONDERFUL WIFE is an ANGLE 3/22/75- 3/22/02"! When I laughed, he couldn't figure out why; then corrected it to "ANGIE"; then corrected again to "picky ANGEL"). GOTTA LOVE THAT GUY!!!!

We've been through some pretty tough times in our marriage,but never nursing school. He was still in school when we wed, then unemployment, his Masters' program, 2 ADHD kids, his DX of M.S. and all that has entailed, our son's drug use and subsequent jail and even prison. And we have had lots of good times, too.

We went for family counselling when things got rough because we decided that OUR relationship WAS important to US. This is a decision that only you 2 can make-- is this relationship important to both of you.

The other thing I learned along the way, is you can't GIVE love to others if you don't feel loved yourself (by both yourself and those around you). You can't give something away which you don't already have. You need to fill your own inner energies before you can spend energy on something and someone else. Take time for yourself, and take time with your mate and family to refill that inner space- the area that you need to tap everyday to love and care for others.

Nursing can add extra stress to a relationaship if you let it. But so could ANY job or career that you may choose-- even being a stay-at-home Mom can do that.

The way that your original posting is worded makes me wonder if you really feel that your marriage is worth saving? Are you just feeling cornered and totally stressed out now? Maybe you need to go for counselling before you add more stress to the relationship.

Lisa32 · Mar 22, 2002

You are absolutely right, aimeee