Dating co-workers

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jan 11, 2008

i can understand rules against supervisors dating subordinates, because of issues of favoritism, but if the coworkers are on an "equal" employment level (i.e. two nurses or two cnas dating), then i don't see how it's the employers' business. however, i don't think that the couple should be too public (i.e. making out in the nurses lounge) with their affections while on duty. as long as the relationship doesn't affect the couples' ability to perform their job, then it shouldn't be an issue.
i know a couple of married nurses who work together, and the employer doesn't seem to mind. this is true in other career areas, where i know of married couples who work together, and on the same shift. why is it okay for married couples to work together, but not dating couples? granted, there is the possible issue of sexual harassment if a dating couple breaks up, but that could also happen with a married couple who gets divorced. nurses and cnas often work overtime, so they may spend most of their time away from home at work, so i think it is natural that some of them may find someone to date at work.

i met my husband at work, dated him for four years (working the same unit, same shift) and then married him and continued to work together in three icus in 3 hospitals. the biggest problem with it was all of his old girlfriends around when we were dating and first married. now we live on the other side of the country, so no problem. he used to be quite the player, though, and i was always running into some woman who'd look at my name tag and say, "oh, you must be hector's sister because i'd know it if he got married." and the women who wanted to date him and didn't think my marriage should be an impediment. (i'll never understand how a man who used to be such a player is now totally oblivious when another woman is interested in him! i'm happy about it -- i just don't understand it!)

when we first got married, our boss was an old girlfriend of hector's, and even though they'd broken up 5 or 6 years before we got together and she was married to someone else and had 2 kids, susie was quite resentful of the fact that he married me. she used to give me a really hard time -- messed with my schedule, introduced herself to patients as "hector's old girlfriend, and this is his wife," even shoved me across the room one time. that kind of malarky can be rather hard to deal with. she got over it, eventually it was miserable while it lasted.

i think if you're going to date someone at work, you need to be prepared to find another job if things don't work out.

Sue Damonas, BSN · Jan 12, 2008

I dated a nurse who worked in the registry and after we broke up it was really awkward when he worked on our unit. I also dated a guy in the lab and it was awkward when he called me with critical results. I decided after that no more dating people at work.

tresamigo · Jan 13, 2008

I've observed some really bad breakups, particularily with physician/nurse dating. Personal info was used against the other, to retaliate.

It can get ugly.

showbizrn · Jan 13, 2008

:yeah:

Like the old folks used to say,

Never Sh_ _ where you eat"

Believe it!

:idea:

Noryn · Jan 13, 2008

After graduation I began working in a long term care facility about 10 years ago. I was one of the charge nurses and started dating a CNA on my unit. A year later we were married and are still together today.

So I dont think working with someone is an absolute contraindication to dating but you do have to use common sense and as others posted it could be very awkward if the relationship ended.

My advice would be not to worry about it. I could honestly care less if my current supervisor dated anyone. Worry about your situation, if you are being treated poorly then that is a problem but if the supervisor is being fair, let adults be adults.

PMHNP10 · Jan 13, 2008

My advice would be not to worry about it. I could honestly care less if my current supervisor dated anyone. Worry about your situation, if you are being treated poorly then that is a problem but if the supervisor is being fair, let adults be adults.

So you don't see how dating a sup. might be a poor decision regardless of how aware, considerate, careful you might be?

How employees perceive that the sup. is treating their b/gf a little better than others (e.g., giving the b/gf days off that others had requested long ago so you schedule them to be off with you or assigning the b/gf to the patients who happen to be walkie-talkies)?

Or let's say you truly aren't intentionally doing anything special for your b/gf, but others PERCEIVE that you are providing special favors such as assigning your b/gf to take care of what the other workers believe is a lower acuity group.

Or let's pretend that in fact, you are overcompensating by making sure you don't treat your b/gf special at work and he/she PERCEIVES you are being mean to them, which results in a breakup, hence ill feelings...betcha you'll see a sexual harassment charge real quick.

Under NO circumstances should an employee/employer work directly under eachother. In other words, a sup. should not be in a position to affect, or make decisions concerning the lower ranked employee.

It's wonderful that your situation worked out, but you absolutely risked losing your license by doing so, and I guarantee your situation is an exception to the rule.

jessiern, BSN, RN · Jan 13, 2008

My husband and I met at work, but I don't think it would work if I were in a position under him.

Agnus · Jan 13, 2008

I'm just curious what others would think of this situation. A nurse manager is dating a CNA at the LTC facililty I work at. They are both wonderful people. Of course people are talking, some say the CNA is getting special treatment now (I honestly haven't noticed that) and others say it makes the nurse manager look bad to date someone she supervises. My opinion is that there should be no dating among co-workers in any workplace. I just wondered what others would think of this situation!

Dating co workers can be risky. A supervisor dating someone they supervise is just plain suicide.

Agnus · Jan 13, 2008

I can understand rules against supervisors dating subordinates, because of issues of favoritism, but if the coworkers are on an "equal" employment level (i.e. two nurses or two CNAs dating), then I don't see how it's the employers' business. However, I don't think that the couple should be too public (i.e. making out in the nurses lounge) with their affections while on duty. As long as the relationship doesn't affect the couples' ability to perform their job, then it shouldn't be an issue.
I know a couple of married nurses who work together, and the employer doesn't seem to mind. This is true in other career areas, where I know of married couples who work together, and on the same shift. Why is it okay for married couples to work together, but not dating couples? Granted, there is the possible issue of sexual harassment if a dating couple breaks up, but that could also happen with a married couple who gets divorced. Nurses and CNAs often work overtime, so they may spend most of their time away from home at work, so I think it is natural that some of them may find someone to date at work.

Being married and dating are worlds apart in a work setting.

Noryn · Jan 14, 2008

I honestly cannot see how dating someone you supervise could put your license at risk. Again, in my opinion if your supervisor is dating a fellow co worker it is none of your business what they do off hours.

On the same token, if your supervisor is playing favorites (regardless if they are dating someone or not) then that is wrong and they are a poor supervisor.

I personally always liked the line "you cannot be friends with the people you supervise." Whatever, I put little faith in written rules or corporate cronies who would replace me with a 1.00 an hour worker in a heartbeat if they could.

I have some great lifelong friends along with a gorgeous wonderful wife, all of which I used to supervise. (yeah I type too much but as a bonus marrying a CNA was a wonderful way to put some others in their place. I remember a home health aide complaining to me in front of the family that all RNs thought aides were trash. I immediately said, "I am married to a CNA." The look was priceless.)

CHATSDALE · Jan 14, 2008

many [most] facilities frown on veritcal dating -lateral is more acdeptable as long as every thing turns out ok biut some breakups are not smooth and sometimes people on the floor will take sides with one against the other

you can't really tell someone what to do with their lives but as general advise is is usually better to choose someone where there can be no hint of favortism

PMHNP10 · Jan 14, 2008

Noryn

If you as a supervisor, in a position of authority, date an employee directly under your supervision and somehow that situation goes bad and the employee decides to sue for sexual harassment, your name will most assuredly be sent to your state's BON. Then once you are before the board, the members will say something along the lines of...nurses are professionals who must use good judgement, and your decision to date an employee you supervise indicates that you do not use good judgement.

And remember...when it comes to sexual harassment and favortism, it doesn't necessarily matter if you are guilty or not...it's the perception of others, right or wrong. And if you have made enemies with any 3rd parties, you can bet their perception will be that you are guilty and will have no problem seeking revenge.