I am concerned about a fellow nurse I work with. She is in her late 40's and has a history of attempted suicide (though they were more like calls for help, she slit her wrists in front of her children once and another time took 180 prescription pills, both times it was over a man) and has even been institutuionalized. I have known her about 7 months, and have seen some of the typical bipolar behaviors. This may seem beside the point right now but woman is a well-meaning but has a very foul mouth and is somewhat aggressive and loud and tends to be a bit clingy. She has no relatives other than her children (she has two who are grown). She has found a friend in me and has expressed fear that somehow our jobs will end and we won't be able to work together anymore and she is wanting to make sure she keeps up with me and we get our next job together. I'm happy to have a friend but I don't it's good for her to feel so attached. But that isn't the issue right now...for the last year and a half, she has been going out with this man, who she dotes on. She had really fallen for this man and would
shower him with expensive gifts (that she really couldn't afford, like big screen tv's, stereos, vacations, big bouquets of flowers every week, etc.) but I noticed that while he accepted these gifts without much hesitation he didn't seem to be as receptive to her affection and attention as she wanted him to be. This would lead to frustration on her part whoch she would express to me. Some days she would be near hysterics and say that her life may as well be over and that she knew he was using her but felt like she has to spend on him to stay in his good graces.
Well she called me up today so hysterical I could hardly understand her. Apprently, whats-his-face had another woman at his house and he has told my friend it's over. So she has been threatening suicide. At this time she is wanting me to call his house and tell him I found her pale and blue around the lips and unresponsive and the ambulance took her away....I just REALLY do not want to get in the middle of this drama. I finally get a week off from work and was looking forward to spending it with my children
and my friend has asked me to meet her tomorrow just to talk. I hate to sound unappreciative but she lives over an hour away and I really dont want to get together on my week off. I want to stay with my family. I'm happy to talk by phone but I
have enough stress and drama and issues in my own life and I don't feel like I can handle hers,too. Then, what if she really does swallow two bottles of clonopin like she says she wants to do? I don't feel like I can turn her down.
I would like some advice about what you would do. I know the mature thing would be to tell her I will not participate in her pleas for attention, but reality of life is that there are times when doing the "right" or "mature" thing can lead to more trouble and crisis. I just don't know how to handle this.
BTW, LadyMadonna, what did she want a psychic for?? Did she want the psychic to tell her that everything would be OK and she and the BF would be back together?
Secondly, why did she have YOU looking through the phonebook for psychics? Isn't this something that she could do for herself? I'm kind of flabbergasted here. I guess it's an attention getting thing. Please don't play into her fantasies or games, ok?
Oh, I do hope that she gets help soon. Take care of yourself, OK? People have given you some excellent advice, but I know, some of it is easier said that done.
Good luck and let us know how everything turns out, ok?
I don't want to play doctor and start diagnosing this woman but I can tell you some things about borderline behavior and you can see what might fit.
I attended an excellent talk on borderlines from a nurse who had worked with that population for years and she made so many things come clear for me.
I knew from personal experience the borderline personality types are among the most irritating and demanding folks on the planet. The speaker explained why. Before a baby is born, it is completely merged with and dependent on the mother. Birth is only the first step in separating. The actual process of individuation takes about two years. That is, it takes two years for a little person to really grasp that she and Mom are two separate beings. The "terrible twos" are really a wonderful time because reaching that stage is proof that the kid has developed an identity apart from everyone else. For a toddler to say "I do it myself," requires the knowledge that "myself" exists and has some say-so inthe world.
Borderlines get sidelined before this happens. They have a very poor sense of self and little in the way of inner landscape. Although they can appear tp be controlling and manipulative, their primary motivation is to foster unhealthy bonding and/or to avoid the terror of separation. This is why they can come at anyone who is the least bit friendly with scary enthusiasm. Typically, healthy folks are put off by this obsessive behavior and they pull back. This reinforces the fear and turns everything up another notch.
Because borderline types have so little sense of self, they rely on others to tell them they exist. How do they do this? By generating drama and crisis and issuing demands, begging, bargaining, and doing anything else that creates a reaction. When their families and friends react, this is their validation that they do indeed exist. For some really serious cases, this is the only way they know they are alive.
They are stuck back in the earliest stages of infancy and if you think about a baby, life truly is all about them. Their entire family could be swept away in a flood but when it's feeding time, that bottle is all that matters. But what is appropriate in a three-month-old is repulsive in a thirty-year-old.
How do real infants grow out of this selfishness? They are gradually trained to accept limits and encouraged to learn to trust that their needs will be met. It's much more difficult with an adult but it can be done. I wouldn't waste a lot of time explaining what you are doing. Just set the boundaries and stick with them. Praise her when she shows improvement and be silent or pull back a bit when she becomes clingy. Refuse to do anything illegal or immoral because you feel pressured. The only way to win this game is not to play.
The behavior you have described in her and the things she has asked you to do indicate a person who is so bereft of inner strength and awareness of herself as a person that she is desperate to merge with someone else even if she has to trick them into doing so. This is incredibly sad.
The best thing you can do for her is to take excellent care of yourself and your own boundaries. If she is receptive to help and you have it to offer from time to time, go ahead and give it. If not, then comfort yourself with the knowledge that in her unwilling state of mind, nothing you did would ever be enough.
What an emotional roller coaster this person has put you on. Sure you wanted to be friendly with your coworker, but this is too much.
You need to set some rules and stick to them.
1. No calls to boyfriends with lies.
2. She needs some assistance from a professional psychiatric physician. Tell her and tell her it must be soon.
3. Keep your phone unplugged for awhile, call her to check if she is still breathing, if no answer you may need to call police for a safety check.
I would bet dollars to doughnuts this person has a history of being treated for
Bipolar, knows she is off course, and loves the high and the feelings of tension and attention her actions generate. Do Not get sucked into her problems. I pray that this situations ends well, but do not feel guilty if she loses her job, and has other crisis in the next few months. Like a lot of Bipolar patients, this goes with the condition.
I disagree with you. While she may be bipolar, these are not bipolar traits. If anything I would venture to suspect BPD, as a former psych major with bipolar I.
All excellent especially the one who referred to "sucking the life out of you." It's wonderful she has a friend, but she's not using you in that capacity. You are her sounding board, her echo chamber..you ought to reflect exactly what she wants to hear. Not a good way to be. It's being an ENABLER. Encourage her,,,to call 911 if she's resonable that day, otherwise call the police and an ambulancce. She needs distance from her victims and new faces to present healing.
I have been where she is. The world seems out of synch and you are the only lifeform that's getting it right. She needs strong help!
BabyRN2Be
1,987 Posts
BTW, LadyMadonna, what did she want a psychic for?? Did she want the psychic to tell her that everything would be OK and she and the BF would be back together?
Secondly, why did she have YOU looking through the phonebook for psychics? Isn't this something that she could do for herself? I'm kind of flabbergasted here. I guess it's an attention getting thing. Please don't play into her fantasies or games, ok?
Oh, I do hope that she gets help soon. Take care of yourself, OK? People have given you some excellent advice, but I know, some of it is easier said that done.
Good luck and let us know how everything turns out, ok?