Career Change and Family influence...

live4today, RN · May 23, 2005

Aw hon...many people will be able to relate to your truth here. (((hugs))) Don't feel as if you are cutting yourself off from your family and friends. Just embrace it as a "transition" in your life that will take you to greater heights as a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a coworker of future nurses, and a citizen of the United States. :)

Sit down with your mom in a private place and share your truth with her. Let her know you love her as your mom, and the choice you are making to move forward with nursing as your chosen path will never change your love and respect for her..................then start putting your plan into action. Once your plan is in action, you will begin to keep going with it. You've got to taste what you want in life to see if it is a good fit for you or not.

Courage is never absent of fear. And you have all of us here at allnurses to encourage you and lift your spirits when you have crappy days ahead (as you will have). :balloons:

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · May 23, 2005

Do you think when you are trying to move forward in your life in a positive direction that it is necessary to cut your ties as much as possible to those that hold you back?
I ask because while my Mom may not mean to hold me back, she does. In my mind, she is still critical of me and I am constantly worried about what she is thinking, although on the surface I appear not to be. It is pretty easy to limit my time with my sister and father...but not my Mom. I work with her. Yep, she is 5 feet away from me, everyday, Monday thru Friday, full time. Can you imagine??!!
It was a good thing in the beginning, but now that I want to change directions, the guilt of leaving is plagueing me. She is oh-so subtley trying to keep me there, mostly probably because it makes her feel secure. To make matters worse, we are busy at work and have lost quite a few people thru layoffs. She runs the department I work in and my leaving will adversely impact her. Truth be told, I have been sick of this job for a while. If not for my mother, I most likely would have quit a LONG time ago. My back hurts from the constant sitting...has for a long time. Most importantly, this job keeps me from sharing any common days off with my husband and this, after 5 years, is really taking its toll on our relationship.
I am going into nursing school in July and yearn to make a completely fresh start at my life. I need to believe I can do it and everytime I see my Mom she makes me feel like I cannot. Like I won't succeed. I know this is a problem within me and I know I have to work on this. But do you feel that keeping this job for financial security is silly? I am thinking that I can take out student loan for the first semester of school and have time to spend with my husband.
I know negative people are everywhere and I will never free myself from that, but I feel like I have so many people in my life (most of my family and my current co-workers) that are not supporting what I want to do. I feel they are dragging me down. I am afraid that with their influence, combined with the stress of beginning nursing school, I will give up before I ever even got started. And I don't want to. I want to create a life that I can be proud of and that I will enjoy.
Would you quit and start over even if it meant some financial distress for a while?
One of my major problems is that I cannot seem to make decisions on my own (hence this question):)
BTW....when I get on hubby's insurance I am going to actively seek therapy for this problem! :chuckle
****re-reading this, I sound like such a child! You'd never guess I am almost 30! Shows how some of us never really feel like we've grown up!! ******
Your comments are appreciated!!

Sweetie, I was 31 when my own mother passed away, and it wasn't until she'd been gone for a few years that I realized how much she had held ME back, and how much damage our relationship had inflicted on my psyche and my self-esteem (or lack thereof). In a way, you're fortunate to have realized what your major malfunction is relatively early in life.......so many of us with controlling mothers just don't get on with our lives until long after they're gone.

That's a sad fact, and many of us spend fully two-thirds or more of our lives striving to please mothers who are not, and will never be satisfied with us. I've even known 98-year-old mothers with 80-year-old daughters who STILL don't feel fully grown up........don't let yourself be one of them! Please do get some therapy, and someday when you feel in control of your life and circumstances you will be better able to avoid negative people and situations.

Best wishes to you. :)

Curious1alwys, BSN, RN · May 23, 2005

You guys definitly speak words of wisdom. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. Time to have a real heart to heart with hubby and mom.:)

Fraggle · May 23, 2005

Speaking from experience, you need to have a talk with her first. You're the only one that can take charge of your feelings. God, that sounds cheesy and self-helpish. But it's true. You have to be bold and be willing to make your decisions with confidence and without fear of regret. You treat people with honesty and respect, and hope for the same in return. If you don't receive it, oh well, such is life.

After I realized that cutting out my mother wasn't going to work and that I should try and have at least a polite relationship, I was very lucky she didn't hold it against me. I mean, it's not all sunshine and roses and she still pisses me off. But you get through it with what you can and focus on your happiness. :chuckle

Tweety, BSN, RN · May 23, 2005

Follow your own dreams, not your parents. And yes, you've got to cut the chains of the past and the people who hold you down.

But it may not be all that dramatic. Sit down with mom and tell her from your heart how you feel. Don't be heartless, just be honest. She'd probably be appalled to realize she might be holding you back from your dreams and could then become an asset.

Opps.....reading above, I realize my advice has been given. But I agree, sit down and have a heart to heart. If you work beside her, surely you can muster up the courage for a little honesty.

Good luck and keep in touch.

boulergirl, CNA · May 24, 2005

My own mother can be kind of intimidating like that. I dropped out of nursing school before I even started, largely because she didn't think I was suited for nursing and was terrified that I'd kill somebody. (She was the one who told me to consider nursing as a possible way to "give back to the community". Go figure.)

Now she's much more supportive of me, but I still struggle a great deal with a lack of self-confidence. I have stayed at a job far beneath my capabilities for almost five years and can't get up the courage to leave. I'm also afraid to get a professional job someday (all I've ever had is blue-collar jobs) for fear that she might not support that ambitious a move, or that I won't have what it takes to work on a professional level. My 9-year-old sister has expressed interest in being a veterinarian or a chef, but Mom caused her to rethink those options (she feels they would interfere with her primary role as a wife and mother). Do you see why I'm having problems here?

Thankfully I have another sister who is close in age to me and has encouraged me to do what I want to do. She has advised me to have an open and loving relationship with Mom, but avoid bringing up certain topics with her (she has a tendency to be very opinionated about things, and outspoken). I tend to be easily swayed by Mom's approval or disapproval of my choices and personal opinions, so I'm learning to be judicious about what I share with her, and when. She has a way of making me feel guilt if I don't think or act like she does.

thrashej, you need to do what you have to do. If your relationship with your husband is suffering from this, that's priority. Your marriage is your most important relationship. As far as wanting change in your life, it will make others uncomfortable, because then they're forced out THEIR comfort zone--oh well! If I were you, I'd find another job away from Mom so I could spend my energies on school and hubby. Trying to deal with the emotional and psychological stress of always attempting to please your mother--on top of everything else--will drain you.

BTW, I moved to a cheaper place recently, partly to get a little distance from Mom so I could gain perspective, make changes and move forward in my life without her knowing all the details of my comings and goings. She thinks I made the move in order to get out of debt and save college. That's TRUE, but not the whole picture. I wanted to open up my options for the future, and get out of my rut. Thankfully she supports the move, but I was prepared to stand by the decision if she didn't.

Curious1alwys, BSN, RN · May 25, 2005

Thank you all for responding...Boulergirl, I am curious.......your situation sounds very similar to mine.......are you in nursing school now? I have a sister that encourages me too and thinks I need to get away from mom. When school starts it will be easier to say "I just don't have time for the job now". Right now it is hard to bail because she needs me professionally. Good Luck to you!!!

allnurses Guide · May 25, 2005

I have a sister that encourages me too and thinks I need to get away from mom. When school starts it will be easier to say "I just don't have time for the job now". Right now it is hard to bail because she needs me professionally. Good Luck to you!!!

Bail anyway. Her professional status needs to depend on her, not you. Some folks are awfully good about making you feel guilty about THEIR stress. Her stress is her own, not yours. Walk away and leave it behind. If it sounds like I'm being harsh about your mom, well, your own sister who I assume knows the woman :rotfl: is encouraging you to get away! Its okay, you can do it.

Nursing school is stressful, no two ways about it, you should take some time off to de-stress, relax, concentrate on your hubby for a while because you'll not have a lot of free time once you start studying. Trying to cope with "leaving Mom" simultaneously with starting school is setting yourself for huge amounts of stress all at the same time.

God bless and go for it!

boulergirl, CNA · May 25, 2005

Boulergirl, I am curious.......your situation sounds very similar to mine.......are you in nursing school now?

No, but I think that's mainly because I've worked under nurses and have seen the incredible stress they deal with on a daily basis. Mom has actually encouraged me to go to nursing school if I want, but I don't feel the desire to right now. At this point in time I'm trying to decide whether I want to return to college, period. Several people at work have asked me when I'm going back to school--they think I'm crazy because I keep working year after year in a job with no future. Maybe someday I will go back and get my bachelor's--just not sure yet.

BTW, good luck with school, thrashej! :balloons:

Curious1alwys, BSN, RN · May 26, 2005

Wow, that's encouraging Boulergirl! I am so stressed in my own current life on a day to day basis that oftentimes I wonder if I will have anything left for nursing.

In fact, because I am not 100% sure nursing is what I want to do, I don't want to quit my job. I mean I DO want to quit, but I think it is just because I have been working so hard lately with little time off for me and my husband. I want to bail cuz I want to rest and play for a while mostly and I fear those are the wrong reasons to bail. If I was 100% sure I would do it in a heartbeat.

I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life without it costing me hundreds of dollars in tuition and books to find out!! Oh well, what can you do??:uhoh21:

I appreciate the toughlove though. I know where it is coming from and that it is good intentioned. I am going to have to hear on financial aid before I can do anything anyway...for financial reasons.

Thanks all!

redwinggirlie · May 26, 2005

Go and do what you desire. Period. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, it matters what YOU think about you.

Be well and good luck.