Can Addiction be "Cured"

[longhornfan1]

So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".

I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.

I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.

When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.

One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.

It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?

One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.

Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.

It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.

When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.

Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.

I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.

I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.

But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?

Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.

Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?

Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks

[rholman]

"Every time you put something in your mouth, it's because you want to change the way you feel". Yes, you eat when you're hungry and drink when you're thirsty, but really, you do these things because you are uncomfortable somewhere and want to change that. We addicts just take it to an extreme: we drink because we are seeking to quench an unsatisfied thirst for love and acceptance. We overeat in futile attempts to fulfill unmet needs. And so forth and so on.

Yes! absolutely, I do everything to the extreme. When I look back to my early adolescence before I started drugs I used food to stuff my feelings. I remember when my parents would leave home I ravished everything I could in the cubbards and the refridgerator. I can trace the progression of my addiction; food, friendships, sex, alchohol, sex, drugs, sex, relationships, exercise ... did I mention sex and the list goes on and on. My best friend also noticed how I do almost eveything to the extreme. Even with 15 years clean and sober I will always have the addictive personality. I am glad that I have the awareness and I can work toward setting healthy boundaries. However, I realize that it's a lifelong process and if I continue to learn and practice healthy behavioral patterns I will get better but never cured.

[longhornfan1]

I am not certain I have a goal, except to gain more information about this disease and how to help my kids develop better coping skills. With my family history of ETOH and drug addiction combined with depression, bi-polar and physical abuse issues, they are prime candidates to fall victim to both my poor genetics and inconsistent parenting. I hate the thought of giving up and giving in to a diagnosis that is greatly misunderstood and is stigmatized as a dirty and pitiful. I have to process all the data, good and bad, and come to a "REAL" understanding of what this is. I know what I did impacted my life, my family, career, health and reputation as a nurse. But in reading your last post, I don't believe I was correctly diagnosed by the treatment facility. I never experienced withdrawals, increased tolerance, or use despite a desire to quit. It only impacted my social, work and family life when I was caught. I never missed work, only used when the kids were at school, never used in a hazardous environment and had no desire to continue once I was faced with the consequences. I have never had cravings, because I recognize how severe the repercussions would be. I know that I can never take an opiate again, I use OTC's and meditation to re leave stress and pain. I am too smart to be stupid, it's not Rocket Science, if I put an opiate in my body, I am no longer capable of making rational decisions. Hence, no opiates. I have always been mindful of my children when socializing. I have only been "drunk" maybe a dozen times in my life. It has always been my job to look out for myself. No one else was going to and I had to be responsible. I guess I got to a place in my life where I felt safe, happy and taken care of by my husband and because I was "medicated" after surgery I was physically addicted. After the pills were gone, my mind was not allowing me to see the negatives of what I was doing, only that it made me feel "better", and I began experimenting with other things to see if I could feel even better. I wanted to be a better mom and a better nurse. I just had to be better at everything and because I was impaired, I believed the drugs made it so. Now, not impaired, I know I can't use any mood altering drugs because I make stupid choices and can't see the potential repercussions. So, am I still an addict? Can't they have misdiagnosed me? Huh? Please don't be too harsh with the replies. Thanks

[SoxfanRN]

Plain and simple, you are a recovering addict. From what you have written, it was not misdiagnosed. It is what it is. The only thing you can do now is learn from the experience, make sure it doesn't happen again (relapse), and make sure your children don't fall into the same trap.

What you need to pass on to your children is this: For whatever reason you became addicted to drugs. There is a very good possibility that you have passed on some genetics for addiction to your children. For that reason, there is a very good chance that your children will also have the tendency to become addicted to drugs easier than others; they need to know that when they feel like experimenting. Their friends may be able to drink and drug on weekends only or at parties. But they have a greater chance of becoming addicted where their friends may not.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

My daughters and I were discussing addiction yesterday in the car. Somehow, the subject of cigarette smoking came up, and I was telling them how horrible it was for your health, and how hard it was for people to kick. My younger daughter said that it was much easier not to start it in the first place.

That was the opener for talking about drugs and how they alter your brain chemistry. Kids appreciate the intelligent explanation, rather than hearing "just say no". My younger daughter is scientific and was interested in what I had to say.

[regularRN]

"...because I was "medicated" after surgery I was physically addicted. After the pills were gone, my mind was not allowing me to see the negatives of what I was doing, only that it made me feel "better", and I began experimenting with other things to see if I could feel even better."

This course of events/behavior indicates an "addict" to me... It is a big mistake to differentiate between "addict" and "abuser" - they are the same. Using drugs to make you "feel even better", is a red flag. I do not think you were misdiagnosed.

[tencat]

You are on a slippery slope, longhornfan. Semantics are not what is important (am I an abuser or an addict?) You have a predisposition to abuse/become addicted to drugs. Period. It will not go away. It was not 'misdiagnosed'. You will have to be constantly vigilant for the rest of your life. I have known alcoholics who were sober for twenty years 'fall off the wagon' and start again because they fell into the "it's been so long, I must be cured" trap. You are never cured. Once you lose sight of that fact, that's when you set yourself up for sliding back into the actively addicted/using cycle again.

[longhornfan1]

Thanks for all the valuable input. I am aware that I could easily fall into addiction should I choose poorly, I refuse however to admit that I was a "dry drunk" for 36 years. That with all the crap I went through as a child growing up, I never turned to drugs or alcohol for treatment or comfort. I have learned so much having gone through all of that, you would think my coping skills have improved over the years. But from what you all are saying is that I have squat ability to maintain my "sobriety" and need meetings and sponsors and steps to keep me from relapse. I had none of those resources to ask for help when I was sexually abused. Or when my family insisted it was all a lie and tormented me with jokes and insults and daily harassment. Or when my father told me that he couldn't hug me because I might think he was molesting me. All this, along with much much more, and I managed to not drink or drug, though it was always available. What was my treatment plan then? I hate pity and I hate judgmental people who think since they happen to know an addict, that makes them the authority. I watched my brothers overdose and nearly die, I watched my father die a slow painful death, his abdomen so distended and his skin so yellow I wished him dead so he would not suffer. This has tormented me for years. I was 15 when he died, and I wished him dead. He was afraid to touch me or hug me and I lost soooo much of the precious time he had. I watched him cry when I told him that my step-father had a break down and admitted to molesting me. All those years he thought I had made it all up, and he allowed me to move back home where the abuse continued, and he didnt protect me. So, I may be damaged emotionally, but I am still responsible for the choices I make and I live with the fall out daily. I pray God guides my actions as a mother and wife and know that He is with me. I believe I could be an addict again, but believe that my short lived career as an opiate addict is just one more thing I have to get over and put behind me and learn what I can from it. Isnt it odd that I dont ever have the urge to do it again? Never crave or fell odd when I see needles or pills. Just know that it was a part of me at one time and can not ever be again. So, judge me not lest ye also be judged.

[leslie :-D]

longhorn, just know you have the option of having this thread closed.

all you need to do is contact a mod, and they will close it for you.

i'm seeing that folks have responded to your requests for "feedback" and "comments"...

w/o judgment.

rather, quite supportive.

i honestly don't think we can help you.

so i thought you might appreciate opting to close this down.

good luck.

leslie

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

But from what you all are saying is that I have squat ability to maintain my "sobriety" and need meetings and sponsors and steps to keep me from relapse.

No, that is not what we are saying. You are the ONLY person with the ability to maintain your sobriety.

Not everyone needs meetings, sponsors etc. to prevent relapse. I haven't attended an AA meeting since my third month of sobriety, now 17 years gone, and I have never once fallen off the wagon. I go through "dry drunks" from time to time, but they are short-lived and occur less and less often with each passing year. In fact, I haven't had one in a couple of years now.

But.

It

doesn't

mean

I'm

cured.

I'm not. I never will be. My disease is in remission, yes, and as long as I don't pick up that first drink it will stay in remission. But there's the rub---I don't even dare experiment to see if I can 'take it or leave it'. And if you take nothing else from this or any of the other posts in this thread, know this: the person who is not addicted doesn't CARE if they drink/use/gamble/fill in the blank again. That's what makes them different from you and me.

I live with a whole houseful of non-alcoholics, and they look at me like I've sprouted three heads whenever I talk sometimes of wishing I could have just one more ice-cold beer on a hot summer's day. Not one of them gives a hoot whether they ever have their drink of choice again...........it's just not important to them. And here I am, still thinking occasionally about beer and being able to imagine the taste of it, almost two decades after the last one I ever drank. Do you think I'm cured yet?

And if thoughts of drinking are still occurring after all these years---no matter how infrequently---what in the world would convince either of us that that they'll ever stop completely?

So, it's up to you to decide how much it means to you to consider yourself cured. For me, being "cured" would lead inevitably to an attempt to prove to myself that I can drink responsibly when I KNOW I can't. And you know what, that's something I just have to accept about myself, even though I'm not proud of it and certainly wish I didn't have it. It's a part of me, just like hazel eyes and forehead wrinkles, and there's nothing I can do to change it..........I can only manage it.

:)

[rholman]

Thanks for all the valuable input. I am aware that I could easily fall into addiction should I choose poorly, I refuse however to admit that I was a "dry drunk" for 36 years. That with all the crap I went through as a child growing up, I never turned to drugs or alcohol for treatment or comfort. I have learned so much having gone through all of that, you would think my coping skills have improved over the years. But from what you all are saying is that I have squat ability to maintain my "sobriety" and need meetings and sponsors and steps to keep me from relapse. I had none of those resources to ask for help when I was sexually abused. Or when my family insisted it was all a lie and tormented me with jokes and insults and daily harassment. Or when my father told me that he couldn't hug me because I might think he was molesting me. All this, along with much much more, and I managed to not drink or drug, though it was always available.

I am very sorry for what you went thru in your early years growing up. It sounds very painful and I am sure you had to of been tramatized. Okay, so you may not have used drugs or alcohol to medicate the pain but I am sure if you think hard enough you used something else. Maybe eating, relationships, being an A Student in school, shopping, retreating to escapism by reading.... something. Although those are external factors, they will work the same way drugs and alcohol will. What did you do to ease the pain? How did you cope? Or did you stuff your bad feelings. Or are you trying to imply that you were not emotionally affected by these events. Isn't it possible that you could have been and still are suffering emotionally even though you succesfully managed to be nurse, mother and wife. Sometimes, those feelings are so deep when don't even realize that we are hurting. Once you used narcotics for whatever reason, it was like hitting the jackpot to escape those nasty feeling. Nothing can replace the numbness that drugs and alcohol give you. Now that you have experienced it's effect, you will allways be suseptable to using again.

Now with that said... that doesn't mean you have to make meetings and maintain a sponsor to keep clean. I haven't made a meeting in years but you have to accept the fact that you can not use drugs because you will become addicted again.

[SoxfanRN]

"Dry drunk" usually refers to a person who is sober physically but continues the behaviors of an addict. It usually does not refer to someone who will someday possibly be addicted to something. So, IMO, you were not a dry drunk for 36 years. However, there have probably been times in your two years sober that you acted like a dry drunk. It happens. Again, just realize it for what it is and move on.

You have been given a lot of opinions and support here. Take what you need and leave the rest.

[Belfegor]

this was exactly the response i expected. especially from health care professionals. so, in everyone's opinion, i was a "dry drunk" for the first 36 years of my life. then, after 36 yearstemptation the ugly beast of addiction reared it's ugly head. once exposed to the truly awesome high that can only come with iv push dilaudid, the diagnosis of addiction was set in stone. the things i have survived, overcome, worked through and blocked out as a child and young adult would give cause to drink. i made choices over the last 13,140 days that allowed me to become a wife, mother and compassionate nurse..........they also opened my eyes to my potential for addiction. example of choices that lead to a medical diagnosis.........

if i eat hot dogs and french fries every day with cokes and cookies, i will most likely be diagnosed with htn, dm, morbid obesity and cad, one of which will most certainly kill me...

i think that you received interesting, and non-judgmental feedback for most...from experienced advisors as a "user" or as a "therapist".

although all those principles, rules and advices seem very good to me, i have this feeling that your true question hasn't been adressed....or maybe it is just a personal interpretation....

if you are not "addicted" physically....then what?

what jumped to my face when i read your post is how you described feeling efficient, loving etc...when using. bear with me for a few minutes and try to consider that ...

a) you may be suffering from a chemical imbalance? i am referring to people who do not produce enough serotonin/dopamine naturally ?

if it was your case, it would explain why you felt so positively better when using while not having withdrawal symptoms when abstaining.

i think it is worth investigating!?

some neuro-psychiatrist specialize in that field. you may discover why you felt and feel the way you do. you could also be provided with supplemental treatment to make up for the insufficient release of those neuro-transmitters....

additionally, it may help you get rid of the stigma that has been hurting you so much (drug abuser) ?

i must warn you that there is no magical cure, but understanding your own reality and being provided with a rational, supplemental counseling/therapy and medication might help you manage your life and happiness better?

b) you mention the traumas of your past. i think that no matter how well you have managed to sit on those traumatic experiences, they are still part of your psyche.

you are rightly proud of overcoming all that life has thrown at you at such a young age, and i applaud how you have made a life for yourself!

however, these experience and all the feelings they carry, remain part of your history and are likely to make you suffer until you accept to face them and find a way to digest them for good. (i am thinking nlp for that... great results in a reasonable time frame!)

is it possible that the use of narcotics made you feel (psychologically) so much better because you only perceived the "positive, better you" when all the hurt, anger and trauma of your past were numbed by the medication ?

imagine that you could achieve the exact same result (feeling) on a permanent basis without having to take narcotics!

just a few thoughts i wanted to run by you....

i hope something in the bunch might resonate with you.

all my best! you are courageous, you are resilient, and that is more than what many people can hope for!