Can Addiction be "Cured"

[longhornfan1]

So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".

I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.

I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.

When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.

One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.

It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?

One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.

Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.

It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.

When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.

Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.

I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.

I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.

But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?

Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.

Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?

Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks

[regularRN]

I would like to thank everyone who has posted on this thread - your insights have been very informative. Thank you!

[Flightline, BSN, RN]

I have not read through all the replies, so I hope I'm not just tooting the same old horn, but here's my take on your OP: You have to consider yourself a lifetime addict--even if you are not, or no longer are. The truth of the situation is irrelevant.

If you think you are cured, then you will think you can use recreationally. If you use recreationally, you will gradually build back up a tollerance and dependence on whatever substance you use, then you may well become readdicted.

And in that sense, we are all addicts, or potential addicts.

[amarilla, RN]

Let me be another to thank everyone for their contributions to this thread. I found many of the replies refreshingly honest, not to mention selfless, having put personal thoughts and experiences out there to help another.

OP, I don't have any education in counseling or even the basics of psychology of addiction, just this to say:

you mentioned 'characteristics', and asked how these traits and experiences may figure into addiction. I'm inclined to believe that when we have rough spots growing up, the loss starts to dig a big old hole right where it hurts...our heart. Confusion, loneliness, isolation, abuse, neglect, substance abuse in the home - you name it, it all wounds us down deep, and we carry these wounds into adulthood.

As adults, we begin to search for a way to fill that hole in our heart. The more we try to ignore or deny it, the more it starts to throb and the more we search. Lots of things are thrown into that hole: some good, some bad. Pain eases when, say, you're in a new relationship, or have achieved a small goal to get that good job. Unfortunately, the dirt falls in and that hole is still there.

Searching and searching produces addiction, IME. Toss enough in that hole and you run out of the good and pick up the bad - anything to feel better, to find an answer and some relief. Lots of folks don't even know what they're looking for; they just know they don't feel like other people and aren't happy.

Bad part being, of course, is that this form of escape - the searching and the loss of control - only hurts, not helps.

I don't believe there is a 'cure' for addiction; I think addicts struggle to choose the life they want every day and firmly plant their feet in this reality, for better or worse.

If I had any advice to give, it would simply be to seek counseling to address these more deep-seated issues to be able to move forward and find your happiness.

Best,

Southern

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Let me be another to thank everyone for their contributions to this thread. I found many of the replies refreshingly honest, not to mention selfless, having put personal thoughts and experiences out there to help another.

OP, I don't have any education in counseling or even the basics of psychology of addiction, just this to say:

you mentioned 'characteristics', and asked how these traits and experiences may figure into addiction. I'm inclined to believe that when we have rough spots growing up, the loss starts to dig a big old hole right where it hurts...our heart. Confusion, loneliness, isolation, abuse, neglect, substance abuse in the home - you name it, it all wounds us down deep, and we carry these wounds into adulthood.

As adults, we begin to search for a way to fill that hole in our heart. The more we try to ignore or deny it, the more it starts to throb and the more we search. Lots of things are thrown into that hole: some good, some bad. Pain eases when, say, you're in a new relationship, or have achieved a small goal to get that good job. Unfortunately, the dirt falls in and that hole is still there.

Searching and searching produces addiction, IME. Toss enough in that hole and you run out of the good and pick up the bad - anything to feel better, to find an answer and some relief. Lots of folks don't even know what they're looking for; they just know they don't feel like other people and aren't happy.

Bad part being, of course, is that this form of escape - the searching and the loss of control - only hurts, not helps.

I don't believe there is a 'cure' for addiction; I think addicts struggle to choose the life they want every day and firmly plant their feet in this reality, for better or worse.

If I had any advice to give, it would simply be to seek counseling to address these more deep-seated issues to be able to move forward and find your happiness.

Best,

Southern

This is a truly insightful post, and I can tell you, Southern, that you nailed it with your metaphorical hole in the heart. Inside every addict is a wounded soul looking for relief from the pain, even if we don't really know it's there.........which is how we get into self-medication. And the 'drug of choice' can be anything---ETOH/street drugs/prescription painkillers/food etc. Unfortunately, addictions are not limited to substances; even beneficial things such as work, exercise, love, sex, even Internet use can harm us when they are used as substitutes for what we think we are missing out on.

I'll never forget what my uncle, whom I otherwise had no use for due to some issues with being molested by him at age 14, used to say about this subject: "Every time you put something in your mouth, it's because you want to change the way you feel". Yes, you eat when you're hungry and drink when you're thirsty, but really, you do these things because you are uncomfortable somewhere and want to change that. We addicts just take it to an extreme: we drink because we are seeking to quench an unsatisfied thirst for love and acceptance. We overeat in futile attempts to fulfill unmet needs. And so forth and so on.

This is a great discussion! Let's keep it going and develop our ideas even more...........

[Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN]

"Every time you put something in your mouth, it's because you want to change the way you feel".

That is a powerful statement, and it is so very true. Applies to (over)eating, smoking, drugs, drinking...pretty much all the major addictions. I will think about this statement the next time I reach for a cookie! Thank you for sharing it, especially considering the source of it must be so painful for you.

[SoxfanRN]

If there is one thing that recovering folks want most in life, it is to be cured. That would mean that they could do what they wanted to again without getting the same negative consequences that resulted from long periods of addiction.

The problem is that it just can't happen. Like someone mentioned, there are actual structural and neurochemical changes that take place with addiction: the amygdala changes structure and dopamine neurons cease to work normal (These affect behaviors and the ability to feel pleasure which continues the cycle of chasing a high and impulsive behaviors) among other body-wide consequences. By the time all these physical changes occur, the addicted person has abandoned all coping skills in favor of the "drug of choice." They also abandon lifestyle behaviors that inhibit their use: they drop friends that don't do what they're doin; they hang out in different places where it is acceptable to continue using; their time goes to chasing, using, and recovering. Addiction starts off as a choice but becomes life-consuming and chronic.

So, once the addiction has set in, there is always the chance to relapse. Recovering people continue to have occasional cravings, even years after stopping. As time goes on, these cravings get further and further apart as well as less intense, but they are still there. The key is to recognize them for what they are: just a desire to use again.

That said, there is always hope. Counseling certainly helps with underlying issues. Skills training helps people learn new coping skills and new ways of behavior that will encourage health and inhibit the using lifestyle. The person in recovery has to be absolutely committed to changing their life because the life they had revolved, almost solely, around using. Good support sytems are also key in recovery.

[longhornfan1]

Ok, still working on the stigma of the diagnosis of addiction. Back to the basics. What are the criteria that must be met for a diagnosis of addiction vs. abuse. I think the CDC who initially screened me for treatment and the psychiatrist who did the assessment took one look at my insurance card (which has no max and pays 100% billed not a contracted amount) and diagnosed me as an addict instead of an abuser. Comments?

[leslie :-D]

Ok, still working on the stigma of the diagnosis of addiction. Back to the basics. What are the criteria that must be met for a diagnosis of addiction vs. abuse. I think the CDC who initially screened me for treatment and the psychiatrist who did the assessment took one look at my insurance card (which has no max and pays 100% billed not a contracted amount) and diagnosed me as an addict instead of an abuser. Comments?

i'm sorry, but i have absolutely no idea as to what you're asking.

leslie

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

longhorn,

I think you're getting too hung up on semantics. Basically, from what I read here, you had a very serious drug problem. Who cares what it's called. You need to own up to it and stay vigilant for the rest of your life because you have a weakness in your makeup that somehow made you vulnerable to actually shooting up. That's pretty darned extreme.

[leslie :-D]

longhorn,

I think you're getting too hung up on semantics. Basically, from what I read here, you had a very serious drug problem. Who cares what it's called. You need to own up to it and stay vigilant for the rest of your life because you have a weakness in your makeup that somehow made you vulnerable to actually shooting up. That's pretty darned extreme.

so she is asking if she's an addict versus an abuser?

even though she already talked about her physical addiction and withdrawal process?

even though she diverted in order to get her fix?

my.

goodness.

longhorn honey, you are so not ok.

please, PLEASE, get some help.

there are so many who are willing and able to do so.

you're an addict.

and you know it too.

otherwise you wouldn't be acting so desperately.

this is just too, too sad.

get well.

leslie

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

Yep, that seems to sum it up, Leslie. Pretty serious stuff there. Thanks to God she has been clean for two years.

[SoxfanRN]

Ok, still working on the stigma of the diagnosis of addiction. Back to the basics. What are the criteria that must be met for a diagnosis of addiction vs. abuse. I think the CDC who initially screened me for treatment and the psychiatrist who did the assessment took one look at my insurance card (which has no max and pays 100% billed not a contracted amount) and diagnosed me as an addict instead of an abuser. Comments?

This is from the DSM-IV:Substance dependence is defined as drug use that causes significant impairment and distress to the user. Substance dependence, or addiction, includes: tolerance to the drug; withdrawal symptoms; use in increasing amounts despite intent; desire to quit or decrease use; increased time in obtaining, using, and recovering from the drug; life activities given up or reduced due to the drug; and drug use despite knowledge of drug-induced problems. Substance abuse encompasses drug use that results in problems associated with role obligations such as work, social, or family activities; recurrent drug use in physically hazardous environments and situations; resultant legal problems; and continued drug use despite self-knowledge of escalating drug-induced problems (APA).

Certainly, there is a public stigma against substance abuse, addiction, and all mental illness for that matter. That is something that everyone in recovery has to cope with. It's just part of it.

longhornfan, I have to ask: What is you main goal here?