Burned Bridges

[brown eyed girl]

Hello Everyone!

Ok. I going to put myself "out there" with a problem that I have and I'm sure I'm going to be harshly judged for what I'm about to post; however, I'm doing this because I honestly need some help but most importantly for me, I want the help. I have had 7 different jobs in 7 years consecutively. Yes you read it right; 7 jobs in 7 years. Two of them have been worked simultaneously with two other jobs. Some I have quit and some I have been terminated; with the jobs that I have quit, I kind of felt like "the writing was on the wall" so I quit before I can be terminated. I have been told that I do really great work and that I am a really good nurse. On the flip side, I have been told by my superiors that I can be mean and have a bad attitude (not with my patients, their families or physicians). It usually takes my managers by surprise (so I've been told) when I react to certain situations. My reactions are always related to disrespect, suttle bullying by superiors, and attempts to publicly reprimand me in the presence of my coworkers. In all fairness, I have never been nor have I ever felt that I was "singled out." More often than not, their behavior is widely known and people just "accept" how they are. For me, I can't and I don't tolerate it; and of course, it hurts me in the long run. I truly practice "treat people the way you want to be treated." I never intentionally mistreat anyone "above" or "below" me; it's just not who I am. However, when a situation occurs and its done and over with, I personally feel like I have a insight to the type of person they are and I do all I can to avoid being their presence when possible because I know how being around them makes me feel and I don't want their negativity around me. I have stopped working days and have changed to weekend nights (I found I love nights) just to avoid the foolishness. It causes me to have anxiety about going to work and when I'm there, I do all I can to make sure everything is done "perfectly"; and sometimes I go above and beyond because I know that the buck has been passed all week and by the time I make it to work, if I don't do whatever has been passed on all week, I'll be the one who gets the call 1 hour after my shift along with a verbal reprimand and write up to accompany it.

In the grand scheme of things, my changing jobs so much is hurting me. My resume is a mess with regard to my work experience. When I look at it, I feel ashamed instead of proud. The only highlights to my resume are the many jobs I've had in such a "short" period of time which is a red flag for prospective employers. I can't take a job off of my resume because, it will cause "gaps" in my employment. When I do get called for an interview, I get ridiculously nervous and insecure when the interviewer is looking at my resume and questioning me about "why" I left said employers. I always keep it respectful, never bad mouth previous employers, and try to explain as brief as possible as to why employment ended. Needless to say, I don't interview well, even though I am qualified for the position I'm interviewing for. I have never had an interview where I felt like I "knocked it out the park."; they just go "ok." I have sometimes wondered why a facility would call me for an interview even though they've looked over my resume before they called me to schedule an interview with me. So more often than not, I end up working at not so good facilities that are "desperate" for nurses; which is where a lot of workplace drama occurs. Basically, I jump from the frying pan straight into the fire.....repeatedly.

I was told last night that "I have to learn how to play the game" and when I do, I will be fine. I don't play games with people personally or professionally because its childish. At this point, I don't know what to do anymore; which is the reason I have chosen to come to the nursing community for insight and support.

[brown eyed girl]

I think this is a cycle you are going to continue to repeat until you get to the bottom of what causes you to be terminated/feel the need to quit before being terminated. It has nothing to do with polishing your resume or being a phony. I think the only way this will be resolved is through therapy. I'm not saying this to be glib, and it's not a joke. There is no way you are going to be successful at faking nicety.

If you have had multiple managers tell you that you are being perceived as mean, it's highly likely that staff have gone to the managers with complaints. While you may think your problems lie only with your supervisors, I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that is not the case.

I think you would be more successful in an interview if you were able to say that you identified problematic behaviors and sought counseling for them. Otherwise, should you be lucky enough to get another job, it will only be a matter of time before you repeat the same behavior that caused you trouble in your other jobs, and you will find yourself unemployed once more.

You are absolutely right. A few hours ago, I saw something that quite frankly hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean it hit me hard to where really all of a sudden, IT BECAME CLEAR TO ME WHAT WAS GOING ON WITHIN ME AND WHERE IT CAME FROM. It was very overwhelming to be honest. What I discovered basically was that I have been carrying something around in me for a very long time that I "thought" I was okay with and had made peace with but in reality (due to my unexpected response), I HAD NOT. I has never occurred to me that this "feeling" was at the root cause of why I'm reacting the way that I have for so long. No one could have convinced me that "it" was my problem. Now that I know better, I will do better. Really. I can't explain to anyone how "different" I feel right now. Even as I sit here, I don't feel like my resume is a hindrance or anything that I should be "ashamed" of anymore; at this moment, I really feel like it's good thing because MY PERSPECTIVE HAS CHANGED. No longer do I have to go to an interview and be nervous about what I will say to explain it away. I DONT WANT TO EXPLAIN IT AWAY BECAUSE IT IS MY TESTIMONY OF MY PERSONAL GROWTH. I can now HONESTLY look the interviewer directly in the eye and admit that I was sabotaging myself unknowingly and when I realized what I was doing, I CHANGED ME INSTEAD OF WAITNG FOR EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME AND THE SITUATION OR ENVIRONMENT TO CHANGE. Would I change the fact that I've had all of these jobs and lost them all, NO! If I did, I WOULD'VE NEVER CAUGHT THE LESSON THAT I NEEDED TO LEARN TO BECOME A BETTER EMPLOYEE AND A BETTER TEAM PLAYER.

I'M VERY HAPPY THAT I STARTED THIS THREAD, IM GREATFUL TO ALL THAT HAD SOUND ADVICE TO GIVE, BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GREATFUL FOR TODAY AND WHAT I EXPERIENCED THAT GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO REALLY TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT ME. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT I NEED TO DO PLAY THE GAME AND BE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE NOW I UNDERSTAND ME. UNLESS THERE ARE WELL WISHES, THIS THREAD FOR ME IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE. I REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

UNLESS THERE ARE WELL WISHES, THIS THREAD FOR ME IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE. I REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.

Thank you for bringing up an important topic that hinders the professional development of so many people. I wish you the best of luck!

[brown eyed girl]

Thank you for bringing up an important topic that hinders the professional development of so many people. I wish you the best of luck!

THANK YOU! SEE YOU AROUND!

[Altra, BSN, RN]

I am always saddened to see someone well into adulthood who has not been taught/not learned basic interpersonal skills, including -- I may feel however I like about others, but I may NOT always open my mouth and express those feelings.

[RNperdiem, RN]

Basic interpersonal skills varies with culture. What if the OP comes from a background where growing up she was expected to be confrontational when disrespected and maybe get loud? Ignoring the bullies in this world makes them bolder and a girl who is afraid to get in someones face loses respect.

Maybe the managers come from a very middle-class world where girls are expected to be "nice" on the surface. You could serve someone poison with a smile. Aggression is hidden and shows up in gossip and quiet backstabbing behaviors.

I think the managers would get a little nervous around any women who handle conflict in a different style.

Playing the game is part of fitting into middle-class America.

[Natasha A., CNA, LVN]

Thecomutter, your post interest me.

[Natasha A., CNA, LVN]

I am curious to know is their a difference between 'playing the game' vs integrity?

[RestlessHeart]

No one wants to believe that they could be the bully . . . and I don't believe that bullies exist in nursing above and beyond the level that they exist in the general population. But much of what you've said about your relationships with others in the workplace rings of "bullying". So perhaps rather than having a knee-jerk reaction and denying the possibility, you could at least consider it. Consider that even if you don't consider yourself a bully, you could be perceived as one by others. I'm sure you don't want to be perceived that way.

.

>snip

To the OP. You scream of me or rather your scenario does...6 years ago. I swear I was just like you and didnt know it til we got a new boss. Id always been "teachers pet"...but only in so far as Id been in the dept 10 years or more than ANYONE else w/the exception of the manager. Id seen several supervisors come and go. As one left and a new one started I was the go to. The manager would tell them to "watch her"..."pay attention to her" meaning me....she would tell the new boss that I knew everything She needed to know. Whoossh..once again Im in a position Im not sure I want.

All that to say what it did to me or for me was create a monster...a self righteous, pompous, arrogant, even egotistical monster at that. I knew what I knew and the only thing I knew was I hated change and I made damn sure everyone knew it. If I didnt like someone or something for ANY reason or for NO reason, I made sure everyone knew it. I had trained so many others beside the supervisors...and was growing to hate it because if they dared to question how or why something was done Id silently flip a nutty and turn the arrogance up a notch. UGH. I give you my word, I was not consciously doing this. I never wanted to be in management, never wanted to be "the boss". Though I loved training others it grew to be a PIA.

Then we got a new supervisor and sure as hell....I had to train her. She had NO...NONE...NADA...NIEN...ZIP ZERO experience at this job but she held the license needed--that's it. She was likable, humorous, friendly, talkative, intelligent and did not fear saying help..or I dont know. As we got to know each other I learned fast she was also someone who talks behind your back. UGH.

She called me out one day....granted she did it privately with another supervisor. She railed my rather sizable portly ass into shreds. She chewed me for a good 30 minutes, even calling into play things I had told her privately. I was crushed. I had been out on surgery leave and this happened my 2nd day back. She even told me it took her 2 weeks to "put this together" because she knew Id rebut it. I did.

I went home that night in tears to a cold empty lonely world (in my eyes) But...and here's the good part. I layed awake most of the night crying on and off over "now what?" I was devastated, distraught, angry, hurt, torn et al. And then it happened. Like something out of a movie. I swear it was as though Christ himself hit me side the head and said "own it".

There began my healing as I like to call it. I spent HOUR upon HOUR upon HOUR reflecting, scrutinizing, thinking, re thinking and planning. I HAD to do this. I loved my job and believe it or not....I still liked my boss. I knew in my heart she wasnt out to get me....she truly meant to help me and it did. I KNEW I had gotten cocky and arrogant. I knew I was becoming a "silent not so silent bully". I knew I thought I was smarter and knew more than "they" did. (side note is my IQ is Mensa quality...and it sucked knowing that) and I let it all effect me. I KNEW I had to change. I hate change. I gotta change. I hate change.

~sigh But change I did. I knew I had to keep myself out of certain situations that I normally slide right into (think gossip and negativity) My negativity was to me, my dry sense of humor always at the ready. sadly others didnt see the humor so I had to make that change. Another was I get easily annoyed with the same question over and over or with people who answer shop. >click...another change

As far as those saying to play the game. Id caution against that to a degree. Some can fake it til they make it....others cant. I cant. What you CAN do as any of us can...is work on you. My biggest boost was telling myself "step back" and examine the scene. I knew just as you do OP...what is me and what isnt. I did confront my supervisor with how she went about this and she listened intently. About 2 years later she did give me a little counseling session during my review and raved about the changes with the exception of the negativity. It took me forever to figure out what she was talking about. I wasnt negative with the work, or the staff. Apparently when Id get off the phone with a provider or patient that were being difficult Id utter under my breath something along the lines of "what a ******" or "d!ckhead" and others were hearing it so that change happened that day. ALL my reviews have been top notch from the supervisor AND the Manager.

Im sorry this is so long but I wanted the OP to see it can be done and I grant you Im a whole lotta years older than you. You can do it OP....you are already seeing it...once you accept it the battle is half over.

~~Remember no matter how far down the wrong road you've gone...STOP IT, it's still the wrong road

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I am curious to know is their a difference between 'playing the game' vs integrity?

Heck, yes...there's a massive difference between integrity and the concept of playing the game. Integrity is defined as the quality of being honest and upright in one's interactions. When playing the game in the workplace, you cannot be radically honest. People claim they want the truth; however, many cannot handle the truth.

If you are radically honest and tell your manager that she needs to wear deodorant to work, you are guaranteed to be targeted and out of a job in a few months. On the other hand, if you play the game by never mentioning the sweaty armpit odor and telling your manager that you're thankful for her leadership, you'll be beloved and have a long relationship with the company.

[Natasha A., CNA, LVN]

TheCommuter,

Thank you for your reply and reading my comment. Society view of the definition of integrity is different from biblical principle of 'integrity' and also goes back to its not what you say but how you say it.

I had a classmate who would do whatever she could to get to the top-whether that was hurting someone's feeling or hurting herself. She was always noticed in class because of her dominate attitude and manipulate ways. She shared with me that she was promoted to leader at her clinic after working for 3 months and everyone was envy of her and didn't like her. she told me how she told the nurse manager during the interview that she was not about making friends but doing her job. At first I used to think hmmmm what am I doing wrong to not have that 'personality' then I looked back and said what is more important your morals or money? recognition or doing whats right? your conscious or a paycheck? its nothing wrong with being relatable to others and yes, their are other ways to get recognized without having the 'me , myself and I' mentality. I'm not perfect, (I was born this way) lol. yet I appreciate every challenging moment as self growth and improvement. you just have to think outside the box.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Your issue with authority has nothing to do with playing a game or integrity.

We ALL serve somebody. Your managers have a job to do. I have had MANY positions where I did not see eye to eye with management... I always made it work. It was for MY benefit.