Anybody else struggling with anorexia and bulimia?

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Dec 7, 2008

To all of you who suffer from either bulimia or anorexia, my prayers go out to you; and to your families. I know it's terrible for the person suffering from it; but it isn't easy for your families or the ones that love you either.

Those that love us eventually give up and walk away.

Kolohe99 · Dec 7, 2008

Those that love us eventually give up and walk away.

I am so sorry to hear that. I can't comprehend that in the case with my DW; but then I only witnessed it for a few years. I remember how helpless I felt, but I'd like to think that I'd still be by her side even if she was still in the throes of the terrible disease. Apparently that hasn't been the case for you. ((hugs))

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Dec 7, 2008

I am so sorry to hear that. I can't comprehend that in the case with my DW; but then I only witnessed it for a few years. I remember how helpless I felt, but I'd like to think that I'd still be by her side even if she was still in the throes of the terrible disease. Apparently that hasn't been the case for you. ((hugs))

It's heart breaking and reaffirms the belief that one is disgusting and worthless. I can't blame them though. They don't understand the disease, don't understand why I don't just stop, and I think have to seperate themselves for their own self protection. Which still hurts like hell. I don't think I ever will recover. I have so much respect for people like your wife who are strong enough to beat it.

flightnurse2b, LPN · Dec 7, 2008

you WILL and you CAN recover. you need to take control of your life. you need to sit down with yourself, isolate the edo (cause it is it's own entity-- it's not you, i promise) and tell it to get the hell out.

i am a survivor of a deadly battle with anorexia nervosa. there isn't a darn day that goes by when i don't look in the mirror and see a big fat blob. there isn't a day that goes by when i don't want to restrict, oh just a little, and smoke a whole darn pack of cigarettes to make the hunger go away.

i beat it. she's still alive, that little girl, somewhere in my brain. but I TOOK OVER. i look MY LIFE back from her.

i look at a photo of me every morning of me as a 14 year old girl, with a CVC in my neck and an ETT down my throat. i see empty eyes looking into a lost lost soul. and i know i never want to go back. so i still fight.

you can do it. you are not worthless. you are not disgusting. you are beautiful. i know why you don't just stop. because it's addictive, that's why. that's your subconcious way of grabbing the reigns and saying look whose in control now. but you've failed to see that you've lost all control, girl.

i'm here for you. i've been there. i have boobs now. and a little bit of a butt. and even hips. and although somedays i am not thrilled about it, i don't look like a boy from a concentration camp. my eyes sparkle and my hair is shiny. i beat it. it was a long long hard road. it took me years to break 100 lbs. i spent time inpatient, outpt, inpatient, outpt, it took over years of my life. i chanelled my self-loathing into other outlets.

it stinks big time when you feel like family has given up on you. i remember how frightened my younger sibs were when i came home from the hospital. they would ask my mom "is she gonna get sick again?"

they love you. i promise. they don't know what else to do and distancing is the easiest way for them to protect themselves.

learn your triggers. learn your patterns. learn the times when she's out and you're in. take over. i believe in you.

keep in touch.

Kolohe99 · Dec 7, 2008

It's heart breaking and reaffirms the belief that one is disgusting and worthless. I can't blame them though. They don't understand the disease, don't understand why I don't just stop, and I think have to seperate themselves for their own self protection. Which still hurts like hell. I don't think I ever will recover. I have so much respect for people like your wife who are strong enough to beat it.

But she wasn't able to do it on her own....... she had help. She had me. And most of all, she had a baby growing inside her who she was determined to give the best chance at life as she possibly could. It was our DS who saved her before he was even born; I'm convinced of this. I know those exact conditions aren't available to you. But it is going to be difficult to do it on your own.

I'd like to offer you a solution, but I'm out of my league here. Did you contact the previous poster (nurselsteele) who offered to help?

I can do this much. I understand the relation between self esteem and the disease. I KNOW you have worth. You give aid and comfort to people with a disease that others have often abandoned. My grandmother suffered from dementia before she passed away in an LTC facility. I can easily imagine you taking care of someone like my grandma. Ignoring her calls of "jackass" as you give her the medicine she needed. The people who took care of Grandma day after day when I'd show up once a week were held in high esteem by me. Yes, I have no doubt that you have worth. The hard part is to convince yourself of that.

flightnurse2b, LPN · Dec 7, 2008

But she wasn't able to do it on her own....... she had help. She had me. And most of all, she had a baby growing inside her who she was determined to give the best chance at life as she possibly could. It was our DS who saved her before he was even born; I'm convinced of this. I know those exact conditions aren't available to you. But it is going to be difficult to do it on your own.
I'd like to offer you a solution, but I'm out of my league here. Did you contact the previous poster (nurselsteele) who offered to help?
I can do this much. I understand the relation between self esteem and the disease. I KNOW you have worth. You give aid and comfort to people with a disease that others have often abandoned. My grandmother suffered from dementia before she passed away in an LTC facility. I can easily imagine you taking care of someone like my grandma. Ignoring her calls of "jackass" as you give her the medicine she needed. The people who took care of Grandma day after day when I'd show up once a week were held in high esteem by me. Yes, I have no doubt that you have worth. The hard part is to convince yourself of that.

i just wanted to say that you are an angel. there are not many people who stand by those with EDO's. we are very difficult people. we do not see the person you see.

bless you. i am glad your wife is doing well.

Kolohe99 · Dec 7, 2008

I have so much respect for people like your wife who are strong enough to beat it.

I've been reading your posts. You mention your respect for my wife; well you remind me of her in a way. We have two DS's and she loves them dearly. She would take on a grizzly bear with a stick if it came after either one of them. I see that same sense of devotion and protectiveness with you when it comes to your patients. That is something I respect. Thank you for loving AND protecting the unloved.

I hope you can beat this thing; you deserve it, and your patients deserve it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

tmulder · Dec 29, 2008

I can do this much. I understand the relation between self esteem and the disease. I KNOW you have worth. You give aid and comfort to people with a disease that others have often abandoned. My grandmother suffered from dementia before she passed away in an LTC facility. I can easily imagine you taking care of someone like my grandma. Ignoring her calls of "jackass" as you give her the medicine she needed. The people who took care of Grandma day after day when I'd show up once a week were held in high esteem by me. Yes, I have no doubt that you have worth. The hard part is to convince yourself of that.

You have a very eloquent way of putting this. It is so much easier to see the worth of others than it is to see the worth in ourselves. I wish that I had an answer for you dear "lovingtheunloved", just know that you are not alone. I have struggled with my ED for 15 years. Some days are good, some days are horrid......just like the rest of my life. I finished nursing school a year ago and now am blessed to work in 2 different jobs that I love. One of these jobs is at an inpatient eating disorder clinic. I am learning coping mechanisms here at my job. I hope that someday, I can love myself as much as I am growing to love the beautiful girls and women that I care for. If nothing else, just remember that you are not alone, you can lean on those of us here who are willing. Sometimes just knowing you have somewhere to turn is what keeps us from going off the deep end.

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Dec 30, 2008

It would be nice if a total and complete recovery from an ED were possible. Maybe for a lucky few... I have dealth with anorexia for nearly 20 years. After many relapses, I thought I had it beat. Then, life throws the curves at you and next thing I know.. I have the devil on one shoulder telling me, "Don;t eat it" and the angel on the other telling me to. I fear it will never end. It is exhausting... just thinking about it constantly. Good luck to all those struggling. I have just learned to accept that some days, weeks, months, etc may be better than others.

This sounds so much like my substance abuse disorder. (Fancy word huh?) Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other, they're usually pretty cool with each other and don't fight, but when the pooh hits the fan, the little devil tries to beat down the angel and take away her halo. He wants to wear it and abuse it. But, guess what, I don't let him. My angel is much stronger now than she has ever been. It just takes time, counseling and a lot of support to get over those humps.

Substance abuse disorder is much like an eating disorder. I have even seen people in AA that were not alcoholics, but had ED. They said it helped them to join. Even though we were talking about alcohol, they related it to food and their problem.

Have courage against your disease, and beat down that devil when he tries to throw you down!

shopgirl44 · Dec 31, 2008

I've been struggling with bulimia for 8 years and each day is a battle. You are not alone...this disease is pretty vicious at times but I feel, at least for me, each year gets a little bit easier. Hang in there....God doesn't give us anything we can't handle! I also know that it is hard to combat this demon alone...enlisting in eating disorder support groups is so vital...what we can't do alone we can do together! All the best!

Altered · Dec 31, 2008

you have a very eloquent way of putting this. it is so much easier to see the worth of others than it is to see the worth in ourselves. i wish that i had an answer for you dear "lovingtheunloved", just know that you are not alone. i have struggled with my ed for 15 years. some days are good, some days are horrid......just like the rest of my life. i finished nursing school a year ago and now am blessed to work in 2 different jobs that i love. one of these jobs is at an inpatient eating disorder clinic. i am learning coping mechanisms here at my job. i hope that someday, i can love myself as much as i am growing to love the beautiful girls and women that i care for. if nothing else, just remember that you are not alone, you can lean on those of us here who are willing. sometimes just knowing you have somewhere to turn is what keeps us from going off the deep end.

were you honest with your employer, about your current struggle, when they hired you? :uhoh21:

sxybuttrfly · Dec 31, 2008

first of all, i applaud you for the courage i know it takes to opening yourself up by admitting your struggle with these two eating disorders. second, you are not alone... like you and adknursie, i also struggle everyday with the always there war of living with and managing my own battle with anorexia and bulimia. these two disorders have been a part of me and my life and struggle for 18 long years. so, i know and understand every single pain, feeling and emotion you feel and have felt. there is no contradiction, it is possible to suffer from one or the other or both, as i have and do. please know i am here if you ever want or need to talk. my thoughts and prayers are with you:}