Anybody else struggling with anorexia and bulimia?

blueheaven · Jan 5, 2009

While I don't have anorexia or bulimia, I do have an eating problem of another sort: compulsive eating disorder. I have an addiction to food, and I can feel myself relapsing. I haven't been to the gym in nearly 1 month, and I have been binging on high-calorie takeout food for the past month. I worked so hard to lose this weight, and I'd be terribly disappointed to regain.

I also have compulsive eating disorder. I realized in the past year that I do have a problem and have recently began seeking help through a 12 step program. I've gotten a sponsor and have rearranged my work schedule so that I can regularly attend meetings. You know you are nutz when you are sitting in your car pigging out on a package of cream puffs and hiding the wrappers under the seat. I isolate myself so that I can munch on my carb of choice. I tend to munch out whenever I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (HALT). When ever someone brings doughnuts to work-LOOK OUT! My drugs of choice are high carbohydrate high glycemic index food that gives me that dopamine and serotonin buzz. Since I tend to have compulsive issues and swap from one to another just as a druggie or alcoholic will switch addictions. Oh...wait a minute I'm an addict too (food). My "favorite compulsions" are codependance, shopping, and binging.

I've been involved in 12 step programs most of my adult life and now I get to add another one to the list! Oh well, better late than dead! Doin' it one day (second, minute sometimes) at a time.

Letter soup- Al-anon, ACOA, Nar-Anon, OA...LOL

blueheaven · Jan 5, 2009

mixy, its great to hear that its POSSIBLE to recover, I'm sick of people telling me "you'll never recover"

I went with my husband to a Narcotics Anonymus convention and the theme of the convention was "We DO recover" As long as we are not using our drug of choice and working at changing our behaviors that contributed to it...then we are recovering and are progressing. :up:

This is a peeve of mine. Where I work, we have a high incidence of drug, alcohol related patients due to our particular demographic. Many of these people haven't abused in years and some are working a program while others continue in "research and development". When we get them in the hospital, my coworkers say all kinds of derrogatory remarks about them. This bugs the crap out of me as this will be the same people that would take care of my hubby if he would ever need ICU care.

blueheaven · Jan 5, 2009

This sounds so much like my substance abuse disorder. (Fancy word huh?) Angel on one shoulder, devil on the other, they're usually pretty cool with each other and don't fight, but when the pooh hits the fan, the little devil tries to beat down the angel and take away her halo. He wants to wear it and abuse it. But, guess what, I don't let him. My angel is much stronger now than she has ever been. It just takes time, counseling and a lot of support to get over those humps.
Substance abuse disorder is much like an eating disorder. I have even seen people in AA that were not alcoholics, but had ED. They said it helped them to join. Even though we were talking about alcohol, they related it to food and their problem.
Have courage against your disease, and beat down that devil when he tries to throw you down!

LOL I say I have an evil twin. Haven't given her a name yet but she is there all the same :).

I've been told that if I was ever in an area that didn't have an OA meeting, to go to an AA meeting. I go to NA meetings with my husband sometimes. I can relate to most of the stories and change the drugs to food. There is a study that just came out that stated that sugar is just as addictive as any other substance. WoW wonder how much money was spent on that brilliant revelation! :banghead:

LaceyRN · Jan 6, 2009

mixy, its great to hear that its POSSIBLE to recover, I'm sick of people telling me "you'll never recover"

Don't ever let anyone tell you it can't be done - IT CAN!

There is ALWAYS hope no matter how deep you are or how bad it gets. At one time I was purging up to 10+ times a day. I felt so isolated, lonely, depressed, and disgusted with myself. I overcame and you can too! :redpinkhe

Mariposa88 · Jan 6, 2009

thanks i've just been dealing with this for sooo long, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is that it is possible to recover, that some people have.

inthesky · Jan 15, 2009

I recovered from an eating disorder =) and getting through college like that was extremely rocky. Something finally clicked for me; it is hard to explain. It was a combination of a lot of really hard work, support, psych meds, and the 'click'..a type of intangible emotional barrier I finally broke through.

Mommy_of_3_in_AL..RN · Jan 18, 2009

I too suffer from anorexia, although the story of how i got there is a little different from most. I began because of an addiction to Ambien..i found that the medication hits you faster on an empty stomach, so i just chose not to eat, in order to get a better high from the drug. I went from not eating dinner at night, to refusing to eat anytime after noon. I still struggle with this, daily. I have always been small, but becoming even more so became another addiction. I am 5 foot 7 and currently check in at around 112 pounds. My smallest was over the summer when i dropped to 97. I am beginning to get better with the eating thing, but still struggle with the addiction to Ambien. I started off at 10mg, and "eased" my way up to about 70-80 mg sometimes. I am holding steady at about 30-40 mg right now, which is way to much, but it is something that i cant seem to let go of. I am scared to talkto my doctor about it, becuase i am scared he wont let me have anymore..and i wont sleep (i was diagnosed severe insomniac about 8 years ago). I am lost as to where to go from here. I know it is something i cant keep doing, but on the same note, something i feel comfortable with. I guess i am just looknig for a little advice, and to know that i am not alone...

inthesky · Jan 20, 2009

I suggest that you start by seeing a therapist. Please don't wait for things to spiral out of control. Ambien is not the only sleep med in town and not all of them are addictive. Very good work on cutting down, but you shouldn't be doing this on your own.

the best to you

kajh20 · Feb 23, 2009

Wow...I was so amazed to see all these postings on EDs (only b/c my contract at the hospital got broken b/c I made one of the hardest decisions of my life which was to put my career on hold to seek treatment b/c of my fear of doing harm to a patient if I worked under the influence of my ED-give the wrong med,inability to concentrate, critically think, prioritize, & etc. and put my license in jeopardy. So, choosing treatment meant putting my boards off, I only stayed in treatment for 3 months b/c the hospital was pressuring me to take my boards, so after 3 months of inpatient I set up outpt. treatment and tried my hardest to study at the same time. I took my boards less than 2 months later and failed. I rescheduled while still struggling with restricting and binging/purging and failed again. Per the contract if not passed by second try you break the contract and have to pay the $15,000 fine).

I did really well not letting this added stress send me back into the ED cycle. I see many posts where people say that they don't understand why they can't just stop their ED behaviors. One of the many things I learned in treatment was that we did not choose to have an ED, it's a disease like many others however it's just that the public is uneducated on the disease, the toll it takes and the recovery process (b/c it's different for everyone).

I struggled for 14 years and never understood why I just couldn't stop my ED. I knew I was strong; I ran marathons, I was independent, I didn't rely on anyone, I just could not understand, until treatment. IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING STRONG, it's about utilizing your coping tools! That right there opened a huge door for me.

I could write a book but I'll just high lite a few things that helped me:

1. I never told anyone about my disease and I mean no one, well, except my therapist

2. Once I began sharing w/my family and friends about my struggle I had this amazing weight lifted off me, I know it sounds odd and if people told me that 2 or 10 years ago I would of thought they were crazy. Have my ED was the most shameful, humiliating, embarrassing thing that anyone I knew could know about me and I'm still working on it. I debated whether to post on here.

3. My family is defiantly not close and I was 33 years old with debt from 2 degrees and had no idea how I would pay for treatment. But I also knew that I could not be the best nurse I wanted to be unless I got treatment. Therefore going more into debt was minimal, plus I choose a really good inpatient homelike setting in Canada for only $300 a day (non medical center)

4. Having my ED does not identify me, nor is it apart of me, it's something that happened to me (and NO the path to recovery is not easy, OMG it's so hard but you know what it's so worth it. My life now is so amazing, so free so liberating, I still struggle for sure but I counter the ED thoughts that pop up randomly and I'm still working on it. Life w/out a ED is so much easier, I have so much time, so much energy, no puffy face or blood shot eyes)

5. One of my therapist introduced me to "Life Without ED" by Jenni Schafer. It opened one of the biggest doors in my recovery path.

6. I always looked "healthy" in part b/c I do alot of sports, always have (ran 12 marathons within 5 years eating only an apple a day or piece of bread weighing 108lbs. at 5'8"). But the last 8 months I've had major dental work. My teeth look perfect on the outside but on the inside I have so much erosion. I don't have insurance so about $5,000 went on my credit card.

Okay, I'm going to stop now...please feel free to email me for any reason, I still have all my papers, resources and etc. from treatment and it only helps me in my recovery when I can help someone else.

One last thought. We may never know why treatment works or doesn't work at certain times even though the drive to stop the ed behaviors is so strong, my belief is that everything happens for a reason and that there must be some reason why those who struggle w/ed do and others don't. We just must believe, believe that things can only get better:)

Thanks for reading,

Kelly

Kolohe99 · Feb 24, 2009

.......no puffy face or blood shot eyes).....

Your comment about the "puffy face" struck a chord with me. When the DW and I were still dating she attributed her puffy face to "swollen glands". I had no idea what "hell" she was going through at the time; nor what she had endured previously.

I wrote something in my journal a few months ago about my wife's bulimia. I am going to post it here now. I don't know that it will help anyone suffering from the disease, but I'm fairly certain it won't hurt. And if there is even a slim chance that it will help anyone in their struggle; than it's worth it to me to share it.

"I commented on a thread about eating disorders because my wife suffered from Bulimia when we were first married. She eventually overcame the disease and now maintains a healthy weight through a reasonable diet and exercise. She is forced to watch her diet because she has developed GERD, which is undoubtedly due to her years of purging. What I’ve always wondered, and was asking in the post, was if I should consider her a recovered bulimic and be watching for signs of a relapse. The responses I got from my post were as unexpected as they were heartbreaking. I was surprised at how quickly they brought back memories of the helplessness, the despair, and the hate. No, the hate wasn’t directed at my wife, it was directed at her stepfather.

In the thread, many of the posters talked of a trigger that set off the eating disorder. In the case of my wife it was an abusive stepfather. What hurt her just as much as the abuse was that her mother knew of it and did nothing to intervene. I can remember her asking me with tears in her eyes, “Why doesn’t my mother love me? Am I that horrible?” But the incident that instilled a feeling of hate in me came one night when I woke up because of my wife tossing and turning. In her dreams she was taking on an assailant and whimpering, “Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!” I knew who the assailant was. I tried to gently wake her but my hands on her became the hands of her assailant and she struggled and cried out more. I let go but she continued to cry… I felt so totally helpless to see her crying and the only way to wake her was to once again become the assailant and forcefully wake her. I did finally wake her and I held her close and told her everything was all right……. even if it wasn’t. It wasn’t right that she had been violated and driven to an insidious disease by another person. It wasn’t right at all. I had never hated another human being until that moment.

With time, and love, and caring, she eventually overcame the disease. I believe the final healing moment came when she became pregnant with our first son.

But the helplessness I felt as I read the posts isn’t just an old memory. It is in the here and now. I know that the person who made the original post is in despair, that she feels hopeless……. and I don’t know how to help her. I wish that I did. :cry: "

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Feb 24, 2009

So I haven't posted for awhile, but just as an update...I'm doing REALLY well. Like, scary well. I started outpatient treatment again. I haven't purged since January 2nd, which is huge for me, since I usually purge at LEAST 3 or more times a day. I'm hating my body and the way it's reacting to being refed, but not hating it so much that I want to destroy it. I don't really know what finally "clicked," I think it was a combination of things, but whatever. I'm beginning to see that for whatever reason, God has given me the gift of life, and that He wants me to live it abundantly here on Earth. It's minute by minute, but I'm fighting, and I think I'm going to win.

kajh20 · Feb 24, 2009

Your comment about the "puffy face" struck a chord with me. When the DW and I were still dating she attributed her puffy face to "swollen glands". I had no idea what "hell" she was going through at the time; nor what she had endured previously.
I wrote something in my journal a few months ago about my wife's bulimia. I'm am going to post it here now. I don't know that it will help anyone suffering from the disease, but I'm fairly certain it won't hurt. And if there is even a slim chance that it will help anyone in their struggle; than it's worth it to me to share it.
"I commented on a thread about eating disorders because my wife suffered from Bulimia when we were first married. She eventually overcame the disease and now maintains a healthy weight through a reasonable diet and exercise. She is forced to watch her diet because she has developed GERD, which is undoubtedly due to her years of purging. What I've always wondered, and was asking in the post, was if I should consider her a recovered bulimic and be watching for signs of a relapse. The responses I got from my post were as unexpected as they were heartbreaking. I was surprised at how quickly they brought back memories of the helplessness, the despair, and the hate. No, the hate wasn't directed at my wife, it was directed at her stepfather.
In the thread, many of the posters talked of a trigger that set off the eating disorder. In the case of my wife it was an abusive stepfather. What hurt her just as much as the abuse was that her mother knew of it and did nothing to intervene. I can remember her asking me with tears in her eyes, "Why doesn't my mother love me? Am I that horrible?" But the incident that instilled a feeling of hate in me came one night when I woke up because of my wife tossing and turning. In her dreams she was taking on an assailant and whimpering, "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!" I knew who the assailant was. I tried to gently wake her but my hands on her became the hands of her assailant and she struggled and cried out more. I let go but she continued to cry... I felt so totally helpless to see her crying and the only way to wake her was to once again become the assailant and forcefully wake her. I did finally wake her and I held her close and told her everything was all right....... even if it wasn't. It wasn't right that she had been violated and driven to an insidious disease by another person. It wasn't right at all. I had never hated another human being until that moment.
With time, and love, and caring, she eventually overcame the disease. I believe the final healing moment came when she became pregnant with our first son.
But the helplessness I felt as I read the posts isn't just an old memory. It is in the here and now. I know that the person who made the original post is in despair, that she feels hopeless....... and I don't know how to help her. I wish that I did. "

You never know what you share how it will affect someone and in what way. Most often, at least for me-I take the littlest things that people mention and write it down to be remembered, to feel it. Choosing to be free of your ED is like learning (and i don't know why it has to be like this, thou not for all I realize)sometimes you (we, I) need to hear it so many times and in so many ways.

We don't choose to have this struggle with this disease, it's only a coping mechanism, it becomes our best friend, our own little secret.

I can relate, b/c my mom and sister totally suspected I struggled with a ED but did nothing. When I decided to go into treatment I felt alone, abandoned. Why wouldn't they want to help me? I blamed them and was upset. Then I realized that it's a very sensitive matter. And until one is ready to take the recovery path it just ends up being a battle, therefore better left unsaid!!

This is why I have a strong desire to educate others on ED and help those who struggle and let them know that it is possible to recover, I swear....if I did it at 33 years old anyone can. Please let me help share what I've learned (and by all means I am challenged more often than not). BUt every time we say no, when we resist the urge it makes us one step closer to recovery. That said, every time we try recovery yet we slip we are gaining valuable information and getting one step closer to recovery.

It's okay to slip, don't tell yourself you can't do it , b/c you'll want to do it more (at least for me). Once we begin to eat again our metabolisms speed up. Once we nourish our brains and reset our neurotransmitters, the desire is gone. I can say that my ED defiantly did not serve me the last 10 years, it's was a habit that I was unable to kick on my own (for many proved scientific reasons).

To have the peace, the serenity the calmness of life w/out an ED is an amazing thing.

In treatment they told us to write a letter to ourselves stating why we want to recover (which has to be done when you are active in your ED b/c our perspective is so different). I still have that letter in my day planner. After treatment I read it a few times and it was so powerful it brought back horrible memories, the loneliness, making excuses not to go out with friends or excuses as to why I didn't make the family dinner. I scarf iced my relationships, my family-so unfair I see now.

Anyways, faith will get us thru, knowing why you want to live a ED free life and what you want for your life are powerful thoughts to keep close.

Thanks