Any Nurses In Long Term Care Setting?

[dreamer0x]

Has anyone been in a situation where they get attached to a resident? I took care of this resident for 3 years I went above and beyond,  I’d get her her favorite books, and bring in her favorite snacks, she’d always come to me whenever she needed anything. She is very artsy she loved making crafts, drawings and when she was done she’d give them to me for everything that I do. When I’m not there she’d always ask about me. Whenever I’d walk in to work she’d be sitting right by my med cart ready to talk to me about her day. We were very close. and today I got a text from a coworker that she passed over night. . She was completely fine the day before and she told me she’d see me Friday which would’ve been today. I am heart broken I’ve known her for so long it hurts to know that she’s not going to be there. I was in tears when I got the text and just the feeling of me going in I don’t know. I’ve lost residents in the past but this one because I’ve known her for so long it just hits different ? I don’t know if I can continue with long term anymore it’s just too much it’s sad. 

[Davey Do]

Yes, dreamerOx, loosing someone we feel a close connection to is emotionally upsetting. A piece of our life we cherished if gone, and we feel that void.

Losing someone is a difficult process with which to deal, but it can be done, and we can be all the better for dealing with it.

It is disheartening- however understandable-to hear that someone as caring as you are, dreamerOx, are considering leaving an area of nursing with which you have devoted yourself.

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

12 hours ago, dreamer0x said:

I don’t know if I can continue with long term anymore it’s just too much it’s sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss. But the joy that the past three years brought to both of you was something that you can cherish for not only the rest of your career, but for the rest of your life. And that's the difference between providing care in most other settings vs long term care. She felt a love and friendship over those years that she would not have known if you weren't there. I know it's hard today and will always be sad, but I hope that you will stay and bring similar love and joy to people that really need it most. 

I hope that happy memories of time with her will bring you peace. Wishing you all the best. 

[dreamer0x]

5 hours ago, Davey Do said:

Yes, dreamerOx, loosing someone we feel a close connection to is emotionally upsetting. A piece of our life we cherished if gone, and we feel that void.

Losing someone is a difficult process with which to deal, but it can be done, and we can be all the better for dealing with it.

It is disheartening- however understandable-to hear that someone as caring as you are, dreamerOx, are considering leaving an area of nursing with which you have devoted yourself.

Don’t get me wrong I love my job and residents. You’d think after 4years in long term I’d get used to death.  It’s just that I don’t want to get too attached anymore because they eventually end up passing. It’s so hard it’s like losing a very close friend or family member there will never be anyone like her.. Long term is depressing sometimes.  Her death was so sudden. She was in good condition.  The upside is at least I got to spend time with her a few hours before I found out she passed. 

[dreamer0x]

On 4/8/2022 at 1:41 PM, JBMmom said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. But the joy that the past three years brought to both of you was something that you can cherish for not only the rest of your career, but for the rest of your life. And that's the difference between providing care in most other settings vs long term care. She felt a love and friendship over those years that she would not have known if you weren't there. I know it's hard today and will always be sad, but I hope that you will stay and bring similar love and joy to people that really need it most. 

I hope that happy memories of time with her will bring you peace. Wishing you all the best. 

Awe this literally brought tears to my eyes!! ? But thank you!! I know she’s in a better place now!! 

[amoLucia]

JBMom - your post is what LTC is all about. So well said.

OP - I'm assuming that your friend passed away QUICKLY, and without much distress. In her sleep, warm & dry, having had a good day with other friends & staff. Could & would it be that all our pts pass this way.

I, too, have been very close to some pts. Not quite of the 3 years time, but still enough that I missed them and still think of them fondly (12 yrs post-retirement). You'll likely become fond of someone else who will benefit from that type relation. And it was the little things that stand out in my memory.

It would be an AWFUL happenstance that you should give up on LTC. Caring nurses are so sorely needed in LTC.

You may find talking to EAP (or your facility Soc Wrkr) may help you feel better. I sometimes attended some pt viewings. Didn't broadcast it, but I felt closure and it was rewarding to see pts 'peaceful'.

Not to open the can of worms but some facilities (and readers  here) discourage staff attending pt viewings. Use your discretion.

I always felt that I made a contribution to my pts' lives in ways that were hard to measure. I always gravitated back to LTC after some diff nsg forays. It mattered to me and I want to believe that for them.

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

8 minutes ago, amoLucia said:

I sometimes attended some pt viewings.

I also attended a number of calling hours for patients that passed away. Because I worked evening shift I didn't always know the family, but they were almost always so happy to have someone from the facility that came. They know that we were there for their loved ones when they couldn't be and while we never tried to replace family, I think that everyone benefits from having more people that care for them.

I also agree that the sudden passing of someone who seems in good health is nearly the ideal scenario. While it may be more shocking at the time, a slow decline for some would be worse than anything else. 

I really enjoyed my time in LTC, but I readily admit some of it was tough. I always found Mother's Day to be the worst. Family that rarely came all year would pack the room and expect mom/grandma/great-grandma to be "on" all day. These women were exhausted! Every year someone would yell at me about why didn't we call to tell them that mom looked so awful/old/tired/sick (just what happens when you haven't seen her in months), and then by the time they left the whole building would be exhausted and crabby. But on the quieter days when I could sit in the dining hall with someone and talk with them, hear their stories, or just sit a few minutes in their room, it was a great place to work. Despite the constant short staffing, the lack of supplies, and increasing acuity of patients, the staff worked so well together to make a home for the residents. 

[amoLucia]

JBMmom - we'd be good partners to sit & chat. I really liked LTC.

[SilverBells, BSN]

Dreamer0x, 

I work in a SNF/LTC facility and can relate to much of what you posted.  I, too, have gotten attached to a few residents who have passed, and still think of them from time to time.  I think the only difference in my case is that the passing of some of my favorites was pretty much expected, and wasn't as sudden as your patient's death was.    Regardless, there are just some patients' deaths that just will affect you.  I don't really see this as a bad thing--it means you cared for them.  

A few examples of mine include: 

1. A little, 90-pound lady with Parkinson's disease.   She used to take up hours of your time if you allowed it to happen.   She loved her room temperature strawberry ensure, a cup of hot water and hot broth at all times, and she generally ate only one significant meal every day which usually consisted of pureed chicken or beef, steamed broccoli, a salad and perhaps some toast or an orange on the side.   We used to celebrate communion together on Sunday's when I worked with the minister that would come around, and her bedtime routine always consisted of hour-long foot soaks.  I still think of her every time the call light from her old room comes on. 

2.  Another 90-something year old who was mostly blind, hard of hearing, and absolutely loved vanilla ice cream, loud cartoons and church music.  I remember as a nurse surprising her with a cup of vanilla ice cream from time to time.  I knew she was diabetic, but she was often bored through the day and the ice cream was a day brightener for her.  

3.  A third patient that I enjoyed working with was a very pleasant, quiet, 90-something year old lady with Alzheimer's who always left candy out for the nursing staff and loved her game shows.  She never said a whole lot, but as a quiet person myself, I never minded this and her family was always very appreciative.  

I'm sure there are more, but those are just a few examples.  Like I said, I still miss them, but I've found that even though they are gone, there are still other patients who are living and who need you.  If you work in LTC long enough, you'll develop connections again.  I can guarantee it, and this is coming from someone that struggles to connect with other people more than the typical person.  

Hugs ?

[SmilingBluEyes]

20 hours ago, dreamer0x said:

Don’t get me wrong I love my job and residents. You’d think after 4years in long term I’d get used to death.  It’s just that I don’t want to get too attached anymore because they eventually end up passing. It’s so hard it’s like losing a very close friend or family member there will never be anyone like her.. Long term is depressing sometimes.  Her death was so sudden. She was in good condition.  The upside is at least I got to spend time with her a few hours before I found out she passed. 

I am so sorry you're going through this. But a huge part of the solution lies in the sentence I bolded. You need strong boundaries to protect your heart. It's always sad when we lose our patients we know well. I work in an area where we see our patients as often as we do family.

But they are not family.

They are not friends.

They are my patients.

At the end of the day this is all I can allow them to be.

It's also not fair to go above and beyond for "favorite" patients and not do the same for others.

If you really feel like you can't go on, I suggest you find a therapist or life coach to help you through this loss and with a plan not to get as caught up in the future.

I am sorry for your loss. Take comfort in knowing you did right by her and were a wonderful caregiver. I wish you the best.

[amoLucia]

5 hours ago, SmilingBluEyes said:

... They are not friends.

They are my patients.

... It's also not fair to go above and beyond for "favorite" patients and not do the same for others.

SBE - I usually agree with you, but I take some exception here.

Pts freq do become 'friends' - not that I expect any invites to granddtr's wedding. Many do offer good wishes & prayers for me as appro. Just as any 'friend' would. And yes, they are pts ALSO. But they're friendly pts.

The little things I've done for selective pts, I've done because I know it's apprec and, in some ways, it make me feel good too. And to say, I HAVE DONE THINGS FOR PTS I TRULY DID NOT LIKE. There was a need and I could do something. Easy peasy.

I confess. Only 1 time did I continue to provide a little nicety for 1 pt, while I bypassed her  AO meany roomie. SMALL twinge of guilt there.

Nursing is a caring profession and for 36 yrs of clinical practice I knew my boundaries as I cared. Unlike OP, I was NEVER so upset by a pt's death that it affected my career.  

Even today, I smile for triple choc donuts, cinnamon toast, Cheerios & Milky Ways, wedding pix frames, women sleeping caps, ginger tea, etc.

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

On 4/8/2022 at 4:46 PM, amoLucia said:

JBMmom - we'd be good partners to sit & chat. I really liked LTC.

I would love that, and I'm flattered you would say so.