An Angel's Gaze

People are rarely born being who they are to become, life experiences change and mold a person and create who they are. My path in life was forever changed the day my son was born and I held heaven in my arms. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

An Angel's Gaze

My chariot charges forward with an incommunicable urgency, pushed onward by my attendant. I finally arrive at the anticipated destination. As the quiet buzzer reveals my arrival; the steel doors swing open to allow my chariot to pass. Hushed chaos washes over me like I am a tiny pebble in a huge raging sea. I am overwhelmed and begin to feel panicked. The excitement is gone, replaced by a tremendous horror. I am deathly afraid. I have come to this place to see an angel but the surroundings suggest otherwise.

A glass door is the only thing separating me from what I fear most. I ask my attendant to bring my chariot closer to the door. I lean forward and peer through the slab of glass to try and capture a glimpse of what I have come to see. I am dismayed as there is only a small clear coffin in the middle of the room. I was brought here to see an angel, not a corpse; do they not realize that a mistake has been made? I try to protest but no one hears me. I keep my eyes tightly shut as my attendant pushes the chariot closer to my nightmare.

When I sense that I am close enough to the coffin to reach out and touch it; I slowly pry my eyelids apart. I blinked trying to comprehend the image before my eyes. There an angel lies, bathed in a heavenly blue light bound to the bottom of the casket with innumerable wires. I tentatively reach my hand out and gently caress the cool clear plastic lid of the tiny coffin. As though the angel senses my presence, he moves ever so slightly. I hold my breath not wanting to disrupt the delicate balance that has been achieved.

The lid of the coffin is opened and the tiny angel is freed from his earthly bonds, suspended in mid-air for a fleeting moment, as he is transported from his casket into my waiting arms. The people in the room slowly melt into the background, becoming nothing more than fluttering smudges on the walls around us. The tiny angel opens his eyes and stares deeply into mine, and the room becomes still. The insignificant smudges cease to flutter; seemingly aware that a miracle is about to occur. His brilliant blue eyes are framed in gold and shimmer like two perfect sapphires set into solid alabaster. His gaze is so deep and wizened it takes my breath away and leaves me gasping for air. The angel seems to breathe a sigh of relief as he melts into my arms and binds to my soul. A connection has been forged; one so strong and indestructible that not even death could sever it.

I lean closer to the angel and inspect his beautiful perfection. Hands so tiny they barely reach around my thumb complete with fingernails no bigger than poppy seeds. His tiny face mirrors my own. He has a halo of gleaming gold softer than the finest down fluff. I breathe in deeply; underneath the stench of antiseptic, I can smell his fresh soft scent. His skin is pure and unblemished, a slight touch of rose, colors his pouty lips. I hold him and sway to our own private lullaby until he becomes still in my arms and his magnificent eyes close forever. I close my own eyes and tears stream down my face. An angel's gaze has burned been into my soul forever, and my arms ache for his heavenly presence.

This is why I am who I am and why I am on the life path that I have chosen to pursue.

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This is why I want to be a nurse :)

Specializes in LTC, rehab, medical review.

That is a beautiful story...I have never had to heal with a preemie (I am guessing your son was one), but I have four children of my own. It is because of the miracle of their lives that I want to be a midwife. I want to being more miracles into the world. I can tell that you will be a wonderful nurse. Good luck to you!

Specializes in school RN, CNA Instructor, M/S.

That was so beautifully written!

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I, too, lost a newborn many years ago, and as with you, the experience changed me forever. Your story is heartbreaking and yet so wonderfully written, I can visualize your son as if I'd been the nursery nurse on duty that day.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's the kind of hurt that never goes away entirely......and yet, you have obviously learned a great deal about life from it.

God bless you.:redbeathe

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am crying, and just gave my son a long hug. I have a friend who recently experienced a similar occurrence... she also says that God gave her an angel and needed him back... I admire the courage and strength you both have.

Specializes in interested in NICU!!.

beautiful written, sorry for your loss.

may your baby rest in peace,

god bless

beautifully written, tears are falling from my eyes. Thanks for sharing

I waited 12 days for my baby to die. It's not easy.

I thought that this was such a lovely piece -and such fine prose I should add, more a short story than a letter or blog or report- that I had to post it on my site. It is on page 1 near the bottom and I posted the link to this site at the end of the story. Also, the angel in the story posted is my youngest grandson ... also an angel.


So many of us has experienced a loss similar to yours. And it can only make us better nurses because we understand that there is always more to the patient than is initially visible. We lost our first at 9 months old, miscarriage with the 2nd and now we have a happy healthy baby that is the love of our lives. My angel is helping me survive nursing school.

Specializes in OrthoRehab/Med-Surg.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have written so beautifully about your experience that I could feel your pain and love. I am the mother of two beautiful boys, both of whom have saved my life and shaped me into the person I am today. God works in such precious manner and reaches all of us on so many levels and in so many ways! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your precious experience with all of us.

Love and happiness to you, friend!