mom has alzheimer's, and i guess she's now in what could be called the late stage. she's had to give up so much already -- her home, her car, her pets, her independence. she spent over two years in a lovely assisted living with her own things around her. and then, as her dementia progressed, she had to give up her private room and bathroom and her furniture, paintings, books and other things -- most of which she no longer remembered -- and go to a dementia unit of a nursing home. she wore my father's wedding ring on a chain around her neck after he died . . . but the last time i saw her, she'd misplaced it. a social worker tried to comfort me, saying "it's not as if it meant anything to her any longer." while she was right, it wasn't really comforting.
and now she's misplaced her own wedding and engagement rings. she no longer has much -- if anything -- left to give up.
mom got engaged at 17 and married at 18. she's 80 now; those rings haven't left her fingers since she got them except for one brief -- two day -- period in the late 1960s when it was all the rage to have one's rings welded together. she never took them off to do dishes or lotion her hands or even to do messy work like mucking out a stable, grinding meat for sausage or butchering chickens. when we were burglarized a few years ago, my husband's friends anxiously inquired "did they get ruby's wedding ring?" dh was honestly puzzled. "why would they think that? do their wives take off their rings when they go out?" the only time he's seen me remove mine is when he took it to the jeweler to buy me an anniversary ring to wear with it for our tenth anniversary. i was raised to believe you just didn't take off a wedding ring. my ring is almost as much a part of me now as my mother's was of her. i'm sure i learned it from her.
i cannot imagine my mother taking off her rings -- i didn't even realize it was possible. her knuckles have swollen, and although she's lost enough weight to take her from plus-size to small, i didn't think her rings would make it past her arthritic joints. the fact that she took them off means that she's lost more of herself than just those rings.
the last time i saw my mother, she had lost the part of her that gave her interest in me. she recognized me as her daughter; she just wasn't interested in me. i stopped calling her daily when she made it clear she wasn't interested in the phone calls -- not just once, but day after day after day. alzheimer's took most of our relationship away. it took the good parts, leaving only the bad. now it's taking my mother's identity from her at the most basic level. those rings -- and the marriage they represented -- were an enormous and very basic part of my mother's identity. and now it -- and they -- are gone.
I am so sorry for your and her loss. Just last week we caught someone throwing their rings away, and gave them to their spouse for safekeeping. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease on many levels. The person with it loses so much, but can't really remember the past after awhile. It's family and friends who can remember who suffer loss after loss for a very long time. My heartfelt sympathies.
i could tell from the title and the author that this post would hit hard- and it did! i'm not experiencing anything similar, but the way you word it is so relatable. you really have a gift for writing!
i'm so sorry you're having to endure all this. i can't offer any words of encouragement other than to remember that you're not alone, that there are lots of us out here in an.com-land thinking about you and praying for your struggle. :redpinkhe thank you for sharing such a deep part of yourself with us.
I am just so very sorry. I lost my parents quickly -- they each literally "dropped dead." While that was difficult enough (and still is), I didn't have to watch them go through this truly terrible decline. My heart goes out to you.
Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for your pain right now. This is precisely why I did not stay long in LTC. You see the people who had active lives, love, a life...slowly losing all they hold dear, while their loved ones stand by feeling helpless, unable to do anything to help their loved one. Husbands would visit their wives, hoping for a glint of recognition, leaving at the end of their visit dispirited and hunched in upon themselves. Or the wife, unable to comprehend that her "Bill" would never again be able to recall her name, their children, or how much he had loved her...no. It was too hard to see that day in and day out and used to make me go home and cry for hours afterward.
I am so sorry you are going through something so awful. Prayers going your way!
My mom had dementia from brain radiation. She did things she never would have done pre-goofy. It was sad. Dad kept her going- and provided excellent care; I moved from where I LOVED (TX) and returned to my hometown (armpit of the midwest).... urosepsis killed her- which was horrible.
But, she never got to the point of not knowing family. She did mess up the details (I moved back in a U-Haul- she told her friends I quit nursing to become a truck driver ) But at least she still knew us up until the last 2 days.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to see them decline one bit or piece at a time. :hug:
Specializes in Dialysis. OR, cardiac tell, homecare case managem.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. My mother also had alzheimers. I know it is hard but somewhere deep inside her she knows, it may not always be when we want it to be but it is there. Just take day by day. I know it is a long grieving process. My mom is gone almost 6 years and I still am not over her death, I will be praying for you. DO NOT FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF THROUGH ALL THIS!! Take care!!
It hurts. It hurts a lot. Please keep in mind your mom is loved and well cared for. Losing those rings doesn't take away her marriage/history. Those are symbols that you care about more than she does. Please keep in mind this grief is yours and not hers at this point. I know it hurts to hear that... it just hammers home to you that her dementia is real/progressing. Your original post seemed to be more about how you feel about the situation and that's understandable. Nothing, not her dementia nor her jewelry can take away from the life she had with your dad/family. That history is still all there and real regardless of her capacity to remember it. That history is alive in you/your heart/your memory.
I don't know what else to say. Be at as much peace with the situation as you can be and know that this internet stranger can personally relate to your pain.
As a charge nurse in a cert alz facility, its important to try to look and remember what it was that made the person. I know its a very hard process, and it is a process more for the family than the patient. we dont try to not know the patietn, just the opposite...you can bring so much out by talking about what you know of the persons life. Have you had the facility look upside down for those rings. if they are found maybe have a nice setup picture taken instead of leaving the rings. Belongings are going to get lost. valuables should not be left with the person. glasses get set down and picked up by someone else that thinks they are theres. please dont quit talking to your mom. send cards, maybe old pictures believe me somewhere in there it will affect them. my facility is participating in this painting program and the artwork that comes from my dementia residents is wonderful....its in there just locked away....treat them with dignity and respect and never talk down to them...talk about there family....something may trigger a heartfelt long lost memory and it only takes one to make a person smile....I feel for you because i have seen teh families deal with the whole process of this disease and it is so hard....god bless
) But at least she still knew us up until the last 2 days.
LPNnowRN
115 Posts
I am so sorry for your and her loss. Just last week we caught someone throwing their rings away, and gave them to their spouse for safekeeping. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease on many levels. The person with it loses so much, but can't really remember the past after awhile. It's family and friends who can remember who suffer loss after loss for a very long time. My heartfelt sympathies.