Published
I am an adult child of an alcoholic father. My mother never drank at all but was always stressed trying to "fix" everything.
I guess my family line up was something like this: Dad-usually drunk, rarely spent time with me/us but when he was sober he was great very loving, kind, giving etc.
Mom- stressed, very loving and would do anything for us, No sacrifice was too big for her kids (she is still that way), she worked ALL the time either at a job or at home
My Brother- he worked hard as a kid then during the high school years he stayed in trouble (grades, staying out late etc), then he went to college for automechanics and went to work, he has always spoken his mind and did what he wanted regardless of how it may effect other people including mom
Me- INVISIBLE, Very quiet, always tried to stay out of trouble, very shy, I tried to be whatever everyone needed me to be. I never wanted to cause any problems for anyone especially mom. Always want everyone to like me and be viewed in a positive way. Hate confrontation, try to always keep peace regardless of how I may really feel about something. I always thought that if I was "good enough" "perfect" enough then dad wouldn't want to drink, then mom wouldn't be so stressed and we would be a happy family. No matter how hard I tried the good things I did were rarely noticed amidst the chaos of work, drinking and covering for dad, and then dealing with my brother during high school. I was quiet, stayed out of the way and was pretty much self sufficient (cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc since I was 8yo)
Now as an adult I find that things really aren't that different. My dad passed away a few years ago. My mom is still amazing, my brother lives 2 miles from me and we are very close. I am still very shy, quiet and still try to be whatever I need to be to make everyone happy. I hate confrontation and almost always back down in a disagreement. I always end up feeling like I am in some way the one who is wrong.
Now that I am an RN I find that it has effected that aspect of my life also. In school I felt like either I wasn't good enough or if I did do really well then it must have been an easy test or whatever. Even graduating with honors was not "good enough" for me. In my mind that just meant it was a larger fluke. During my short time on the floor before I gave up on myself and quit I felt like I should know everything I needed too already and I shouldn't make mistakes. Of course its fine for others to make mistakes and not know everything but for me thats failure because I am letting someone down. It's like I have one set of rules/expectations for myself and another for everyone else. I don't trust my own judgement/knowledge and ALWAYS feel others are better. Does any of this make sense to anyone? Are there any other ACOA's out there who find they feel the same way? How do/did you make it as a new RN when you feel/felt this way? I have been out of school since May 08, worked for 2 and a half months and quit (read post "Lost, Afraid....in First year after license for back story). Anyone else in similar situation and do you think your childhood has effected your ability to trust yourself as a nurse?