I am an adult child of an alcoholic father. My mother never drank at all but was always stressed trying to "fix" everything.
I guess my family line up was something like this: Dad-usually drunk, rarely spent time with me/us but when he was sober he was great very loving, kind, giving etc.
Mom- stressed, very loving and would do anything for us, No sacrifice was too big for her kids (she is still that way), she worked ALL the time either at a job or at home
My Brother- he worked hard as a kid then during the high school years he stayed in trouble (grades, staying out late etc), then he went to college for automechanics and went to work, he has always spoken his mind and did what he wanted regardless of how it may effect other people including mom
Me- INVISIBLE, Very quiet, always tried to stay out of trouble, very shy, I tried to be whatever everyone needed me to be. I never wanted to cause any problems for anyone especially mom. Always want everyone to like me and be viewed in a positive way. Hate confrontation, try to always keep peace regardless of how I may really feel about something. I always thought that if I was "good enough" "perfect" enough then dad wouldn't want to drink, then mom wouldn't be so stressed and we would be a happy family. No matter how hard I tried the good things I did were rarely noticed amidst the chaos of work, drinking and covering for dad, and then dealing with my brother during high school. I was quiet, stayed out of the way and was pretty much self sufficient (cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc since I was 8yo)
Now as an adult I find that things really aren't that different. My dad passed away a few years ago. My mom is still amazing, my brother lives 2 miles from me and we are very close. I am still very shy, quiet and still try to be whatever I need to be to make everyone happy. I hate confrontation and almost always back down in a disagreement. I always end up feeling like I am in some way the one who is wrong.
Now that I am an RN I find that it has effected that aspect of my life also. In school I felt like either I wasn't good enough or if I did do really well then it must have been an easy test or whatever. Even graduating with honors was not "good enough" for me. In my mind that just meant it was a larger fluke. During my short time on the floor before I gave up on myself and quit I felt like I should know everything I needed too already and I shouldn't make mistakes. Of course its fine for others to make mistakes and not know everything but for me thats failure because I am letting someone down. It's like I have one set of rules/expectations for myself and another for everyone else. I don't trust my own judgement/knowledge and ALWAYS feel others are better. Does any of this make sense to anyone? Are there any other ACOA's out there who find they feel the same way? How do/did you make it as a new RN when you feel/felt this way? I have been out of school since May 08, worked for 2 and a half months and quit (read post "Lost, Afraid....in First year after license for back story). Anyone else in similar situation and do you think your childhood has effected your ability to trust yourself as a nurse?
I'm the daughter of an alcoholic dad, too. I thought I dealt with it by joining the Army and going around the world, visiting occassionally until he died. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, never really had close friends at work, never invited people to the house, never thought I was smart enough, as good as the other nurses, I didn't think I was good enough to be a friend, etc, etc...I truely believed this stuff.
Then one day my son's drug addiction came to light, and when he went into recovery he asked me to go to a nar-anon/alanon meeting. I didn't know how sick I was and always had been because of my Dad's addiction. I'm slowly, through alanon meetings and reading, finding my way out of the darkness.
So, yes, my childhood definitely affected my career. I let my insecurities control me, the fear of failure was overwhelming. On the flip side of all the negatives, my fear has made me very particular about patient safety, and I'm much more compassionate to the "drunks and druggies" and their families than some who've not been personally affected by this disease.
I am the adult child of parents who were both alcoholics, and very few of the adults around me growing up were not alcoholics. I suppose my family has the 'gene' (somehow it missed me); however, rather than being an alcoholic myself, I have anxiety/panic disorder and it's very easy to conclude where it came from.
Those of us that can overcome the emotional wounds of being raised in a family with addiction issues are strong people; we are survivors.
There are no 'tricks', however, in overcoming the wounds. They must be faced, head-on, with a competent mental health provider. Most adult children need a significant amount of mental 're-programming' through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I start nursing school this Fall; I am proud to have overcome the hurdles and roadblocks to get where I am now.
At a certain point, I realized that my doubts, low self-esteem, etc. were provoked by thoughts. Now, when one of those thoughts tries to sneak in, I tell it to knock first and treat it like any guest coming to my home: good thoughts are welcome. Bad thoughts are sent away like incompetent solicitors trying to sell me something I don't need.
Best of luck to all here who may be struggling...you can do it! :nuke:
Specializes in med-surg 5 years geriatrics 12 years.
I agree that you need to be talking to someone about the family dynamics. You sound a bit defensive about your dad when there's no need. You can love someone and still see the flaws. I am the child of 2 alcoholics....dad was violent and mom made excuses for him. And as a result for years I was the peacemaker. Now I can see clearly who they were and how it formed me and love them all the same. You may want to take a step back and review your family and it's effect on you but to do it well might mean some help. Good luck, we'll be in your corner.
my father was an alcoholic and he was very violent when he got drunk. i always had to please him or do whatever he wanted me to do so i can keep him quiet. at work i have problem with talking to people with authorities or i'm afraid of people with authorities. i try to please my co-workers rather than speaking up for myself. i never feel like i"m good enough, i dont feel like i"m "normal" like other people, and i feel more comfortable in hostile environment. the fact that i'm very shy person and have prolems with interpersonal skill is making my job even more difficult and almost everyday i feel like i've entered wrong profession.
have you attended acoa meetings? there are live and online meetings that a person can attend.
I agree that you need to be talking to someone about the family dynamics. You sound a bit defensive about your dad when there's no need. You can love someone and still see the flaws. I am the child of 2 alcoholics....dad was violent and mom made excuses for him. And as a result for years I was the peacemaker. Now I can see clearly who they were and how it formed me and love them all the same. You may want to take a step back and review your family and it's effect on you but to do it well might mean some help. Good luck, we'll be in your corner.
quote There are no 'tricks', however, in overcoming the wounds. They must be faced, head-on, with a competent mental health provider. Most adult children need a significant amount of mental 're-programming' through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). quote..
i, perhaps too much, and perhaps inappropriately projecting.....dont want you to end up like me.....feel, deal and heal.....
I too can relate to your story because my mother was a heavy wine drinker until the age of eighteen. The only reason that my mother stop drinking was due to medical issues , from there she was placed on medication for the withdrawal symptoms. Today, she has been sober for 17 years and she is the now the mom I wish I had as a child. The effects of growing up with a mother that drank way too much for an only child of a single mom was rough for me to say the least. My mom would always tell me that she drinks just to get to sleep. That was always her reason for drinking so much wine.
My biggest fear back then as a baby girl was that she would drink too much and die. The idea of my mom dying was too much for me to take on, but I had no choice. I had to make sure my mom was OK on a constant basis. I had major responsibilities as a little girl. Therefore, at a very young age I learned how to clean up vomit, hide from her, and stand on a stool and make instant coffee to sober my mom up. My childhood was lost because I had to be an adult at the age of five. However, today for me as an adult one of the unfortunate effects that growing up with a parental drinker is my lost childhood. So now a days I make up for that by indulging my inner child with people that are nurturing and supportive of me doing this. This has been a great healer for me and it has help me to let go of some of the trauma that was caused and I am forever grateful to the people that have allowed me this therapeutic relief. Some other issues I still face today as a result of growing up with a drinker is that I have to push myself to stand up for myself, vent- release when needed and most importantly remember that the past no longer owns me. I own the present and remind myself of that on a daily basis.
I haven't read all the posts, but if you haven't already, please read "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz. I read it for the first time at age 35, and thought she had been looking in my window!!! There is a list of 13 Characteristics of ACoA, and I had 12 of them.
And then, by all means, get some therapy, and rise above your past, as your timidity and seeming inability to own your accomplishments may inhibit your career progress. Overcoming a lifetime of being an ACoA is harder for some than others, and getting a little help isn't a bad thing. :hug:
As an ACOA- I know that I am probably a great nurse because of my life experience. My mother struggled her entire life with Alcoholism/depression/psychosis which led to an accident causing her paraplegia. She later overdosed while drunk on medication, it is unclear if it was accidental or not. It took me years to trust my husband enough to commit to my marriage or give myself real value. While I still (and will always have) issues with my past, I realize some of my best traits also stem from this. I have more empathy for my patients because of my experiences. I am a strong person and I know how to be independent when I need to. I began to trust myself and OWN the decisions that I make. The diverse and wonderful people I work with help me realize that I am not alone in the world and I don't have to always have to rely solely on myself.
There is a list of 13 Characteristics of ACoA, and I had 12 of them.
Nurse1966
92 Posts
I'm the daughter of an alcoholic dad, too. I thought I dealt with it by joining the Army and going around the world, visiting occassionally until he died. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, never really had close friends at work, never invited people to the house, never thought I was smart enough, as good as the other nurses, I didn't think I was good enough to be a friend, etc, etc...I truely believed this stuff.
Then one day my son's drug addiction came to light, and when he went into recovery he asked me to go to a nar-anon/alanon meeting. I didn't know how sick I was and always had been because of my Dad's addiction. I'm slowly, through alanon meetings and reading, finding my way out of the darkness.
So, yes, my childhood definitely affected my career. I let my insecurities control me, the fear of failure was overwhelming. On the flip side of all the negatives, my fear has made me very particular about patient safety, and I'm much more compassionate to the "drunks and druggies" and their families than some who've not been personally affected by this disease.
Thank God for alanon...."Bless them, change me"