Admissions Essay Assistance Appreciated:)

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hello. i am applying to bsu and the application does not say how much of admissions is based on the essay. i have a 3.96 in pre-requisites and all of the co-requisites as well. the application can be up to six pages but i have only managed to write about two. is short and succent effective or should i elaborate? below are the two questions i am answering and my responses. i appreciate any feedback as this is my original essay and i am much better at science than writing!

thank you

1. what factors influenced your decision to become a nurse?

as a teenager i developed an interest in health and healing and took several noncollege courses in massage therapy, acupressure, and reflexology. over the years i have developed a desire to advocate for and assist others in dire situations. i did not know nursing was for me since i have an affinity for non allopathic systems of health and healing until i heard about caring theory. once discovering the holistic nature of nursing regarding caring for an individual both physically and emotionally instead of medically i knew nursing was for me. the philosophy behind healing has remained withme throughout the years which i hope to expand up on through obtaining a bachelors degree in nursing. during future patient interaction i hope to utilize theskills i have from massage training and yoga instruction while practicing massage and range of motion exercises on residents. i have a long range goal of becoming a registered nurse with a certification in holistic nursing.

2. share an experience in your life in which you demonstrated compassion and empathy for another person.

working as a cna in hospice care was a constant lesson on compassion and empathy. from this experienceihaveafondness for the nurses whoprovidedcriticalcareto the residents whom i assisted with activities of daily living. on several occasions i would accompany residents during their last days with unrelenting compassion and kindness inawe of the measures taken by the nurses to ensure comfort and dignity towards the residents. i have made an obligation to provide constant compassion and companionship in addition to the required care for the residents that i had interacted with.

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I don't know if it's just my monitor but I'm not able to read your entire post. From what I am able to see, though, I think you are on the right track. It might be helpful if you could expand #2 to include a very specific example - state exactly how/what you did that was an example of compassion/empathy.

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Thanks, I edited the format. It was reall wonky looking, lol. I'm not to sure what would be a good example but hopefully I'll think of one by tomorrow:)

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Now that I edited this please let me know if it is legible, properly formatted. I am really nervous about writing this essay because I don't know how much weight it is worth towards admissions!

Thanks

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Are you supposed to answer both questions in Q&A format or were you supposed to write a personal statement in which you included the answers to both questions? I think an essay/personal statement would read better than the Q&A format, but you obviously need to do what the app specifically asks for.

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As far as specific critique of what you have, what you have is a great start, but I would be more specific and descriptive in both answers.

For the first question, how exactly did you become interested in health and healing as a teenager? Did you witness the illness of someone close to you? Did you have an injury yourself? How did you become interested in massage, reflexology, and acupuncture? Did you know someone who used these treatments? Did you use them yourself? How did you discover the holistic nature of nursing? Do you know a nurse? Read about it online? Was that an a-ha moment--a moment where you realize that this career seems to be compatible with your life-view of what we are as humans and what makes us healthy? State your philosophical beliefs outright, something like, "I believe that as humans we are so much more than just a medical diagnosis. Emotions, social interaction, spirituality all have their impact on our health... I first became interested in a holistic health model when I was a teenager and..." I would caution you to be careful about expressing your desire to use alternative therapies on residents unless you know the program you're applying to utilizes these therapies. You can't just do range of motion exercises on your patients. That would have to be medically approved and ordered. Plus, you start to sound like a career in physical therapy might be more appropriate than nursing.

For the second question, you need to be very specific. "When working as a CNA in hospice, I found deeper compassion that I thought I had. As I watched Mr. Brown in his last days of life, I was honored to be able to assist him and make his passing more comfortable. I remember the day that...(specific experience with Mr. Brown). Additionally, I observed Mr. Brown's nurse educating his family on what to expect in Mr. Brown's final days. I was inspired by his/her ability to alleviate both physical and mental pain for this patient and his family..." You get the idea.

Hope that's helpful.

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jt- THANK YOU! Your response was very helpful. I'm going to mentally digest those ideas and rework some of my thoughts.

I have just always been interested in alternative medicine/ethno medicine and read about ayureveda, traditional medice and folk healing for as long as I can remember. I was surfing the web and ran across something written by Watson about caring theory which made me have an ah-ha moment regarding what the art of nursing is when previously I just thought of it as part of the medical field. I was talking doing ROM on residents as a CNA when in their care plan of course was parallel to yoga in some ways.

I guess I should refocus on less complementary/alternative methods. However I am not sure how to write about a person as their name is supposed to be private. Should I just say Mrs. Jane Doe, instead of the resident? Or make up a name and say pt. name has been changed?

Thanks again. I'm going to use your response to brainstorm some more!

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Are you supposed to answer both questions in Q&A format or were you supposed to write a personal statement in which you included the answers to both questions? I think an essay/personal statement would read better than the Q&A format, but you obviously need to do what the app specifically asks for.

The answers are supposed to be in Q&A format. So I really need to focus on staying on topic to the specific question. These are just two of the ten questions we have to answer. These two are giving me the most difficulty. Thanks for the reply:)

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I don't think you should cut out the alternative therapy interest. Sorry that didn't come out clearly from me. I just wanted to point out that the examples you gave (which are only a couple of many I'm sure you have) sounded a lot like physical therapy. You could state your interest in alternative therapies and then say you one day hope to synthesize them in your practice of nursing. The things you wrote in response to my Qs made you MUCH more interesting to me than your original statement. I think if you work with it and get more of YOU in the answers, you will be a more attractive candidate. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with saying something like "for as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to and interested in...It's part of who I am". Good luck!

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Oops...I think you could say Mr. B and leave it at that. I really have to say when I read your first post you seemed very generic. Now you seem so interesting. I absolutely wouldn't cut out the complementary/alternative interest. It's part of who you are and what makes you unique. It's all in the details I think.

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I think your formatting is off, and I'm assuming it's just a copy/paste issue. There are some obvious errors, like you need spaces between words. Besides that, here are some suggestions regarding grammar & wording.

My interest in health and healing began when I was a teenager, when I was inspired to take several non-credit courses in massage therapy, acupressure, and reflexology. Over the years, I have developed a desire to advocate for and assist others in stressful and dire situations. I wasn't sure my affinity for non-allopathic systems of health and healing would fit in with nursing, until I heard about caring theory. Once discovering the holistic nature of nursing, with its emphasis on caring for an individual physically and emotionally, I knew nursing was for me. I hope to expand upon my knowledge of the philosophy of healing while earning a Bachelors degree in Nursing. My long range career goal is to become a Registered Nurse with a certification in holistic nursing.

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Be aware of repetitive language "developed an interest", "developed a desire", "over the years", "throughout the years" etc. "Dire situations" is a little too specific, so I broadened that up for you. I think you should leave out "instead of medically" because it sort of gives the impression that you're not interested in the medical aspects of nursing, which you will do A LOT of in nursing school. I also think you should leave out the bit about doing yoga ROM exercises with the patients... if you do any ROM exercises with patients, you will do it how they tell you to do it.

Try making some similar language changes for the second question. I was going to tackle that one too, but I need to study!

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I second jt43's advice. Put in some personal stuff. They want to get a picture of who you are, and where you want to go. Also try not to use I statements. Google and see other examples for ideas as well. Be your unique self. At my college everybody had an amazing or very intersting background....which all people do, you just have to bring it forth in your writing. Best of luck.

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